- [Lewis and Hathaway have been called to a murdered heating engineer in the basement of the Bodleian Library]
- DS James Hathaway: You realise what we've got, Sir?
- DI Robert Lewis: What?
- DS James Hathaway: The Body in the Library.
- DI Robert Lewis: Now that is *definitely* facetious.
- [while at Dr Hobson's party, a neighbour reported an intruder so Lewis and Hathaway left the party to investigate. Now the neighbour has complained that they were drunk and facetious to him. Innocent rebukes them]
- DI Robert Lewis: We promise not to do it again.
- Chief Superintendent Innocent: Good. You see, the principle behind a partnership such as yours is that the junior officer matures to the level of the senior, rather than that the senior officer should regress.
- DI Robert Lewis: [chastened] I'll bear it in mind.
- [Innocent walks away, then turns back to them]
- Chief Superintendent Innocent: Was it a good party?
- DS James Hathaway: Compared with what?
- Chief Superintendent Innocent: Serves me right for asking!
- [Nell Buckley is a student who makes money from gullible tourists whom she takes on walking tours of Oxford which she livens up with preposterous, invented "facts"]
- Nell Buckley: Now we're going to go down to the crocodile-infested river.
- American Tourist: Suppose I say to you I don't believe a word of any of this stuff?
- Philip Horton: But there are photographs of the crocodile.
- Nell Buckley: And I would say to you, Sir: do you believe that all men and women are created equally with certain inalienable rights such as life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness?
- American Tourist: I hold those to be self-evident truths.
- Nell Buckley: [facetiously] It's easier to believe in a crocodile swimming in the Cherwell!
- Dr. Laura Hobson: [Hobson has just invited Lewis to her birthday party] Oh, if you'd like to bring anybody...
- DI Robert Lewis: Well, I haven't really got anybody.
- Dr. Laura Hobson: You could always bring the dishy Sergeant Hathaway.
- [Hobson turns and leaves]
- DI Robert Lewis: [Lewis muttering to himself, in disbelief] Hathaway? Dishy?
- Dr. Stringer: I teach English Literature. My specialty is the Romantic poets of the early 19th century.
- DS James Hathaway: Keats, Shelley, Byron, the rest of the guys in the band?
- Philip Horton: Am I going to play at being a policeman?
- DS James Hathaway: Why not? We do it all day.