Chris Rock: Kill the Messenger - London, New York, Johannesburg (2008 TV Special)

Chris Rock: Self

Photos 

Quotes 

• Chris Rock : George Bush has fucked up so bad, he made it hard for a white man to run for president! People are like "give me a black man, a white woman, a giraffe, a zebra... anything but another white man! That last one fucked up my roof!"

• Chris Rock : [on John McCain]  I don't need a president with a bucket list!

• Chris Rock : [on John McCain talking about being in a POW camp]  I don't wanna vote for nobody who got captured, I wanna vote for the motherfucker that got away!

• Chris Rock : It's just sad to see some white person trying to do a nigger-less rendition of a Dr. Dre song. It's just fuckin' depressing.

• Chris Rock : I'll tell you this right now, white people in here. If Barack Obama wins, if you have any activity in your life that involves black people that is supposed to happen the day after election day it will not get done. Election Day's a Tuesday. That Wednesday, don't schedule no black shit. If you gotta fly, ain't nobody carrying your bags. You gotta carry your own shit. We got a black president.

• Chris Rock : "Barack" man, he doesn't let his blackness sneak up on you. Like if his name was Bob Jones or something like that, it might take you two or three weeks to figure out he's a black. But when you hear "Barack Obama", you picture a brother with a spear, just standing over a dead lion. You picture the base player from The Commodores.

• Chris Rock : [in South Africa]  I finally made it! Woo! Now let's hope I make it the fuck outta here!

• Chris Rock : [on John McCain]  How you gonna make decisions about the future when you ain't gonna be here?

• Chris Rock : [on John McCain being too old]  When you die at 72, no matter what you die of, it's natural causes. Even if you get hit by a truck, it's natural causes. 'Cause if you was younger, you'd have got out the way!

• Chris Rock : I think pretty soon people gonna be fuckin' for gas. I think people already fuckin' for gas. Some of y'all in here tonight are fuckin' for gas. Like 'Girl, why you with him?' He filled up my tank.

• Chris Rock : Shit, last year the NAACP had a funeral for the word "nigger"! Well, tonight is Easter!

• Chris Rock : George Bush has fucked up so bad he made it hard for a White man to run for president.

• Chris Rock : So much going on right now. And race is the big issue, the biggest issue in the world right now. Race. It's a big thing, man. Racism all over the world. It will never die, it will never die. It will only multiply, baby. Racism all over the world. Even in my life, there's some racism. People go, "Really?" Yeah, yeah. Yes, in my life. I will give you an example of how race affects my life, OK? I live in a place called Alpine, New Jersey. I live in Alpine, New Jersey, right? My house costs millions of dollars. Don't hate the player, hate the game. In my neighborhood, there are four black people. Hundreds of houses, four black people. Who are these black people? Well, there's me, Mary J Blige, Jay-Z and Eddie Murphy. Only black people in the whole neighborhood. So let's break it down. Me, I'm a decent comedian, I'm all right. Mary J Blige... Mary J Blige, one of the greatest R&B singers to ever walk the earth, Jay-Z, one of the greatest rappers to ever live, Eddie Murphy, one of the funniest actors to ever, ever do it. Do you know what the white man that lives next door to me does for a living? He's a fucking dentist. He ain't the best dentist in the world. He ain't going to the dental hall of fame. He don't get plaques for getting rid of plaque. He's just a yank-your-tooth-out dentist. See, the black man gotta fly to get something that the white man could walk to. That's right, baby. Shit, I had to make miracles happen to get that house. I had to host the Oscars to get that house. And to this day, I don't even believe it's my house. That's why I keep a bag packed right by the door... just in case the white people that really own the place show up one day. "Time to go, blackie." "Damn, I knew this day would come. Good thing I'm packed." Do you know what a black dentist would have to do to move into my neighborhood? He'd have to invent teeth!

• Chris Rock : Short guys can talk about tall guys all day long. Short guys can say whatever they want to about tall guys, You tall bastard. You tall motherfucker. I hope your head hits an air-conditioning vent. I hope Bin Laden flies a plane into your lips. But tall guys can't talk about short guys. That's just mean. Look at these midget motherfuckers. Fee fie foe fum!