Late Night with Conan O'Brien (TV Series)

Janeane Garofalo/Tom Kenny/OK Go (2002)

Robert Smigel: Triumph the Insult Comic Dog

Quotes 

• Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : [backstage at the MTV VMAs]  Oh boy, look at this: It's the American Idol asshole. If you ask me, he's The Weakest Link chick in drag. Right, asshole? Asshole!

• Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : [doing a press conference on his altercation with Eminem at the MTV VMAs, wearing a neck collar and sunglasses]  All right, well, uh, you all saw what happened out there, and uh, I just want to say to all my fans and, uh, friends, and uh, to my 213 illegitimate children that, uh, I'm fine. For the most part. As you can see, I did sustain a neck injury which had immediate ramifications. Right after the scuffle, Christina Aguilera came out on stage, and I was not able to lick myself, nor have I been able to lick myself, uh, since then.

  Reporter 1 : How is Moby?

  Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : Moby, yes, he's fine. I saw Moby licking himself to Christina, and also later on, to Jimmy Fallon. All right, uh, next question, please. Yes.

  Reporter 2 : Hi, uh, Boston Globe. Are you sorry...

  Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : [interrupting]  Yes, Boston is a wonderful town for me to poop on. Please go ahead.

  Reporter 2 : Did you set out to provoke Eminem?

  Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : Yes, no no. I only wish that Eminem could relax and enjoy all he has. Y'know? He has a great, unique talent, and he has smooth white hair, just like a beagle's nut sack. It's quite beautiful. Eminem, really, honestly, the guy should lighten up a little. Seriously, I mean, my mom was a bitch too, but you don't see me writing songs about it. You know what I'm saying? Next question.

  Reporter 3 : Uh, if Eminem were a dog, would you have him neutered?

  Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : ...You're an idiot. Uh, I don't know what he's talking about. Everyone, please, let's all try to be easy on Eminem. At the end of the day, he's just another white guy trying to make an honest living stealing black people's music. All right, thank you very much. You've been a fine crowd for me to poop on.

• Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : [backstage at the MTV VMAs]  Hey, it's David Alan Grier. So tell us about your new sitcom that's going to be off the air in two months.

• Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : Look at this: It's The Hives, everyone. They come from Sweden, where apparently body odor isn't a problem.

• Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : Christina Aguilera, a true superstar who's not afraid to dress like a desperate groupie.

• Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : [talking to two cast members of "The Real World"]  I've seen bigger stars the time I accidentally sat on my nuts!

• Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : Hey, uh, I'm here with Moby. I dunno, y'know, I came from Conan, I asked them to hook me up with a hot chick, y'know, Gwen Stefani, or the Olsen Twins even, but y'know, they were like "No, no, R. Kelly may show up and want the Olsen Twins", y'know what I'm saying? And I'm like, "Come on!" So they give me this guy. No offense man, but I wouldn't let you hump MY leg.