- Paulie and David screw some ZO2 groupies and, in the process, almost screw the band when they oversleep and nearly miss the most important gig of their lives - a kids' party for the son of music titan, Harry Braunstein.
- The show starts as every show should: With lots of rockin' out!
On the phone with a radio host from WFUV, the ZO2 boys reveal who their influences are and what's on their iPods: Paulie Z mentions Kiss, Led Zeppelin, Aerosmith, AC/DC.
Shuffling through the iPod, says David Z, you find stuff like Velvet Revolver, Jet, Wolfmother.
In fact, Joey C. tells the guy, they're backstage at a gig right now and have to go, but people can check them out at Southpaw, the famous Brooklyn rock venue. They hang up, and Paulie says, "All right guys, let's tear this up!"
He reaches to part the burgundy velvet curtain in front of them, and they walk out to the delighted squeals of a room full of...six year olds?!? The special effects consist of balloons and a "Happy Birthday" banner above them.
"Hey everybody!" Paulie yells, strumming an acoustic beside David. Joey, meanwhile, has traded in his drum kit for a tambourine.
"We are the Z Brothers, and welcome to Timmy's birthday party!!!!"
Kids band by day, rockers by night.
Beats digging a ditch!
Yes, this is IFC's new comedy, "Z Rock."
Back at their favorite Brooklyn bar & grill, the Z Brothers/ZO2 are eating fried food. Joey's also ripping into Paulie for leaving the van doors open and driving away, destroying his drum kit.
Sadly, that is not the stupidest thing that Paulie has done. Apparently he has shaved a "Z" into a very special place. Paulie says it's good promotion, and not only that, it's a surprise when they "go down there."
"Like what?" David says. "They go down and say, 'Surprise, you're an idiot'?"
Before Paulie can think up a snappy comeback, in walks Dina, their manager, with good news: She got them the Harry Braunstein gig! Cut to a faux-doc interview aside with the boys (yep, it's one of those shows) where they tell us that Dina got them a gig opening for KISS, so she's one heckuva manager.
"Tomorrow is Harry Braunstein Day!" she says. "I want you to wake up and say, 'Happy Harry Braunstein Day!'" Why is this man worthy of high holiday in Z02 world? Seems Mr. Braunstein is a mover and shaker in the rock n' roll world. Dina explains that if everything works out with Harry, they could finally get signed to a record deal. But there's one important thing they need to know.
Harry Braunstein, she says, is not some calm meditating Buddhist like Rick Rubin or Russell Simmons. "He's not a nice guy. This is a PSYCHOTIC COKEHEAD. Okay? Although he does have primo blow. I don't do that anymore. And you shouldn't. It's awful. Gateway drug into other things."
Getting back to the subject at hand, Dina warns them to tread lightly, as Harry can make or break their careers. Be that as it may...relax! She tells David to flat-iron his hair, and advises Joey to do something with a stick. "Preferably your girlfriend!" she jokes.
The Braunstein coup isn't the only good news. Dina says tonight's gig isn't the typical Southpaw act, because she may have a special celebrity guest there! Excited by this development, the guys try to make her spill. "Charades!" Paulie says."
"OK, stop, I hate that," says Dina, who goes on to tell them that she's keeping it to herself because she doesn't want to jinx it. "I don't know for sure if this person is coming. All you need to know is that you guys need to be focused, and be the rock stars that you are."
And with the announcement that she's late for her Brazilian, Dina flies off.
In her faux-interview aside, Dina gushes that being the manager of a rock band is an amazingly rewarding career. The only job that might be better, she says, is if she were pope. "But, you know, that's a longshot for a variety of reasons." (Reason #1: Popes don't do Brazilians waxes. As far as we know.)
Returning to Brooklyn, Paulie runs after Dina and tells her he's worried about the band. They don't have money for studio rent, again. Dina informs her that's a big thing. She tells Paulie she'll take care of studio rent for them.
Paulie isn't quite comforted. There are other things, he says. In general, things were going well before they got the KISS tour. Dina moans that he needs to stop worrying about a KISS curse, and asks Paulie to remember how she got them the KISS gig in the first place. He re-tells the story for what sounds like the millionth time: She went to temple with Paul Stanley's bubbie, ate gefilte fish with her and nearly went into anaphalactic shock from swallowing horseradish, which she's allergic to.
"I will whore myself so you don't have to! I don't care if my throat closes, that doesn't matter!"
Dina then reveals to the camera that she's not even Jewish, that she only goes to temple for the connections.
Later, the boys show up to Southpaw for load-in. The manager, Neil, corners Paulie in an uncomfortable homoerotic conversation, the bulk of which cannot be reprinted here. (At one point he invites Paulie to go camping and utters the sentence, "Are we wearing pants? I haven't thought that far ahead yet.")
"Neil, you know I'm not gay," Paulie says.
"What? Gay? Who's gay?" Neil responds, following up with the funniest line of this half hour -- one that, again, is not appropriate for all ages. (It's IFC. It's on at 11:30 at night. What do you expect?)
Backstage, David's flat ironing his hair and Paulie is warming with scales: "I-yi love you troo-hoo-hoo-hoo-lee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-heeeee!" he sings.
It's painful to the ears, but part of the job. A knock on the door reveals Dina with her very special guest -- Joan Rivers! With her mostly man-made face!
Dina introduces her Aunt Joan, who's looking for an opening act for an upcoming casino gig. Dina encouraged her to go younger, and here she is!
Southpaw is filling up with the rock crowd - lots a shaved heads, goatees and long, straight hair dyed black. Aunt Joan stands out in her pink satin blazer.
"I'm so proud of you!" she says, kissing Dina on the cheek. "Your late father would have been so pleased about everything you're doing."
"Jo-Jo, my father's still alive."
"Eh," she says with a shrug, "he married your mother, he's dead to the family."
Someone bumps Aunt Jo-Jo's Hermes bag, but it's OK because it's a knockoff. Then, up walks Becky.
"Unlike these two sluts," Joey says of his bandmates, "I actually have a girlfriend, Becky."
"I'm not a slut," Paulie objects. "I am!" David cheerily offers.
Joey continues. "While these two morons are slutting around town catching every disease in the book, I'm at home with Becky hanging out. She's great, and everyone loves her. She's practically the fourth member of the band!"
Um...not really.
Dina introduces Joan to Becky, who can only say, "QVC lady right?" Dina corrects her, saying that Joan also happens to be a very famous comedian. "Say something funny!" Becky chirps.
Becky doesn't seem to have much going on upstairs...but hey, at least she's not a quarantine zone! Dina and Becky start arguing, politely and passive-aggressively, about whether Joey will be attending her sister's wedding with her, or showing up for a gig. Dina suggests, "It's two weeks away! Can't you move it?"
Becky:"...A wedding?"
Dina asks what she should do.
"Get a new drummer," the girlfriend suggests. "Get a drum machine!" Dina thinks it might be simpler to get Joey a new girlfriend.
"Becky's a bit of a speed bump," Dina tells the invisible interviewer. "But I'm sure that's what Paul said about Yoko."
With that, the gig starts...and hey, ZO2 ain't half bad. Imagine The Cult right around the "Sonic Temple"...you know, before they got lame. The crowd is getting into it too. A few hot groupies get up on stage, grinding against Paulie and David's jeans. In the meantime, Dina walks Aunt Jo-Jo the bathroom, but upon seeing it, Joan decides to hold it in.
"I would rather wear Depends," Joan declares.
At this point Joan tells Dina that ZO2 isn't right for her gig. Dina, faux fuming, says "You owe me a really great piece of jewelry." Aunt Jo-Jo removes the turquoise strand from her neck, saying that it was going to be today's special value but Dina can have it instead. "She's so generous!" Dina coos, swiping the trinket.
Post-gig, Dina breaks the news that Aunt Joan didn't think they were a good fit...but they still have the Braunstein gig! She lectures the guys again not to mess it up. Joey's on it: He took off work, and says he's heading home to sleep. Paulie and David are the ones she needs to worry about, he says, and Dina admits she's a little worried, because she sees "the skank signs." Two of the groupies are lurking behind them, leaning against the wall.
"Guys. I love you. Focus. Promise me you won't (bleep) those girls tonight."
"We promise," Paulie and David say in unison, after which they retreat to the band van...and (bleep) those girls. Not before one of them laughs at the "Z."
The early ayem: The guys are asleep with their topless groupies on top of them when the phone rings. It's Harry Braunstein. He tells Paulie, who's just waking up, to avoid the bridge because there's a huge accident, so go through the tunnel. Obviously they're really, really late. They pick up Joey, who rips them a new one for not just going home and settling for sweet ministrations of Rosey Palm and her five lovely sisters.
When they finally arrive at the Braunstein residence, the kiddie party is in full swing. Harry introduces them to his wife, Kitty, then to the kids: "Look gang, it's the Z Brothers!" The kids cheer. Harry turns to Paulie and says in a low voice, "You're dead. Come with me."
Here's where we see what a PSYCHOTIC COKEHEAD looks like.
"Where the (bleep) were you?! SHUTUP! Where were you? SHUTUP! No, where were you?!" Paulie barely parts his lips before..."SHUT UP!"
Then Braunstein sputters out a cokey river of obscenities and blame that sounds like, "Maybetimeandspacearemeaninglesstoyou. Maybethat'sit.Maybetimeandspacearemeaninglessabstractionsowhatdoeslatenessmean? Nothing! It'sa --poof!-- figment ofourimagination! Tellmethat! Or are you LATE like the INbred BROOKlyn TROGlydyte that you are?!"
Paulie calmly replies that he doesn't know what that means, but can they just do the party now?
No! says Mount Braunstein, which was not finished erupting. They have effed the whole party up! Do they know who he is?
"Nickelback! Do you know who brought them out into the public?!" Braunstein screams.
"Uhhh...Harry Braunstein?" Paulie offers. As it turns out, no. A friend of Harry Braunstein's did. But he could have, very easily. Now the The Black Crowes, they're his.
Paulie says the Black Crowes are a good band. Braunstein shrugs and admits all their songs sound the same. Paulie says, "But they've got the spirit, they've got..."
And Mount Braunstein explodes again! "LOOK! I DON'T GIVE A (BLEEP) ABOUT THE BLACK CROWES!" On it goes.
While this is happening, David and Joey are tuning up in the living room...and up walks Sebastian Bach! He says he's a huge fan of theirs.
"No way!" David says. "Where did you see us? Opening for the KISS tour?"
"KISS? Oh, no no no...Not KISS, kids! My kids love Z Brothers! Every time I'm rockin' in my van, going down to bleepin' Gymboree, all I'm crankin' is Z Brothers!"
David tells Bach that's just their day gig, that they have a real rock band! He offers him a CD to take a listen. Sebastian Bach tells them to (bleep) their CD, honestly, and just play "Wheels On the Bus." Then he scoots away, leaving David and Joey red with embarrassment.
In Harry Braunstein's Chamber of Screaming, Harry's ready to hand the gig over to Kidtastic, but Paulie talks him out of it. "In the world of kid music, the Z Brothers are like Led Zeppelin. Kidtastic is like REO Speedwagon."
That's enough to keep the Z boys in play.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Harry says calmly, inviting him to go out there and do a great show. But he finishes with, "If you (bleep) this party up, I'll SUCK your SOUL out and FACE (bleep) it to death! Now. Let's have a good time!"
Paulie joins Joey and David, who is in the midst of recapping the events in the van...perhaps unwisely, because sitting nearby is the birthday boy, to whom David must explain what a "rim shot" is.
Except he wasn't talking about a real "rim shot," i.e. the ba-dum-dum-ching! that follows a bad joke. He was talking about that other, nastier thing that tends to happen in the back of a band's van. Nice going, boys.
At any rate, the party gig starts. They do a song about chicken, making chicken noises and getting the kids to jump up and down. The mothers do too, and a few boobs fly out of dresses.
"There are perks to doing some of these Z Brothers shows. Some of these moms are pretty hot!" Paulie tells the off-screen interviewer.
Indeed! Because right in the middle of the show, in walk...the two skanks Paulie and David banged last night! With their husbands! And their kids! One of their sons runs up to "Uncle Harry" and hugs him. Awkward has left the building -- this could be hazardous to the boys' health! One of the women whispers in Kitty Braunstein's ear, and she looks at David with shock...and a touch of curiosity.
"Yeah!!" Paulie sings at the top of his lungs.
Later, Paulie and David pull their two skanks into a private room. "OK, first of all, you guys are moms," David says.
"Second of all," Paulie adds, "you GUYS are MOMS. What are you doing here?"
David's skank explains that this is her nephew's birthday party. Yes, Harry Braunstein is her brother. All equally horrified, they agree to keep quiet about last night. David's skank leaves him with the compliment that he has a great... undercarriage. She's about putting positivity out into the world, as well as just putting out.
And it's birthday song time! The Z Brothers sing about making a wish on a cake so delish and "blowing it hard." They mean the candles, of course. Once Junior Braunstein blows out the candles, Harry asks his kid what he's wished for. He stands up and points at Joey. "I wish to give that man a rim"...er, shot. Everyone's aghast. Sebastian Bach thinks the kid rocks.
Later, Harry apologizes to Paulie, saying he did a great job. He says he's always looking for bands, and Paulie offers him a CD. Harry says he'll give it a listen. Success!
Paulie finds Joey and they're ready to celebrate...except they can't find Dave. They walk around the apartment, stumbling at last into the bedroom and the master bath. Hearing someone inside, Paulie calls Dave's name and opens the door...where they find Dave standing there with his pants down, and Kitty Braunstein sitting in front of him.
"Close the door," Kitty orders them.
"Yes, Mrs. Braunstein," Paulie says flatly.
If things were dicey before....
"That's your brother," Joey points out angrily.
"He is going to screw this whole thing up," Paulie observes.
"What did you expect?" Joey replies.
Until next week...
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What is the broadcast (satellite or terrestrial TV) release date of Paul and David Nearly Miss a Huge Gig (2008) in Australia?
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