- [over commlinks]
- Nathan Ford: Guys, listen up. We're going on my count, not a second sooner. Parker, no freelancing.
- Eliot Spencer: Hey, relax. We know what we're doin'.
- Nathan Ford: And on the count of five, four...
- Alec Hardison: Aw, he doesn't want to be our pal.
- Nathan Ford: We're on the count! Five, four, three...
- [Parker runs by]
- Eliot Spencer: She's gone!
- Nathan Ford: Son of a...
- Parker: [leaps over side of building] Yee-hooo!
- Eliot Spencer: That's twenty pounds of crazy in a five pound bag!
- Eliot Spencer: [Having just defeated five guards in the time it takes Hardison's bag to drop to the ground, Eliot turns to Hardison with a smirk] That's what I do.
- Eliot Spencer: What's in it for me?
- Nathan Ford: Payback. And if it goes right, a lot of money.
- Parker: And what's in it for me?
- Nathan Ford: A lot of money. And if it goes right, payback. Hardison?
- Alec Hardison: I-I was just gonna send a thousand porno magazines to his office, but, hell yeah, man, let's kick him up!
- Eliot Spencer: What's in it for you?
- Nathan Ford: He used my son.
- [long pause]
- Nathan Ford: All right, let's go get Sophie.
- Eliot Spencer: [they walk out, except Eliot who hangs back] What the hell's a "Sophie"?
- Eliot Spencer: [Referring to their former employer, Victor Dubenich] He tried to kill us!
- Parker: More importantly, he didn't pay us!
- Eliot Spencer: [dumbfounded] How is that more important?
- Parker: I take that personally.
- Eliot Spencer: There's somethin' wrong with you.
- Parker: [hangs down from bar overhead] Can I have one?
- Alec Hardison: You can have the whole box.
- Eliot Spencer: What are you gonna do when she finds out you live with your mom?
- Alec Hardison: [chuckles] Age of the geek, baby. We run the world.
- Eliot Spencer: Mm-hmm. You keep tellin' yourself that.
- Typed Caption: Parker: Security Circum
- Typed Caption: [deletes that] Infiltration and Alter
- Typed Caption: [deletes that] Thief.
- Parker: What is it with women and shoes?
- Sophie Devereaux: There's something wrong with you.
- Eliot Spencer: That's what I said.
- Eliot Spencer: You're not as useless as you look.
- Alec Hardison: I don't even know what you do.
- Typed Caption: Eliot Spencer: Retrieval Specialist.
- Alec Hardison: Goin' to Plan B?
- Nathan Ford: Technically that would be Plan G.
- Alec Hardison: How many plans do we have? Is there, like, a Plan M?
- Nathan Ford: Yeah. Hardison dies in Plan M.
- Eliot Spencer: I like Plan M.
- Alec Hardison: Anybody else notice how hard we rocked last night?
- Nathan Ford: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Eliot Spencer: Yeah well, one show only. No encores.
- Parker: I already forgot your names.
- Alec Hardison: It was kinda cool being on the same side.
- Nathan Ford: No, we are not on the same side. I am not a thief.
- Parker: You are now. Come on, Nathan, tell the truth. Did you have a little bit of fun playing the black king instead of the white knight? Just this once?
- Dubenich's Secretary: You are strong for a computer guy!
- Eliot Spencer: Thank you. I like to work out. I'm trying to stay big 'cause I - I love dressing up like a Klingon and going to all the conventions, you know? Q'apla! Sorry.
- Dubenich's Secretary: [startled and amused] That's okay. Q'apla!
- Eliot Spencer: Don't you tease me.
- Dubenich's Secretary: Oh!
- Alec Hardison: Oh, hold up, man, that is not- that is not cool! That is *not* cool! We're gonna have a *strong* talk when you get back!
- Alec Hardison: [about Sophie's acting] She's very awful.
- Parker: Is she injured... in the head?
- Eliot Spencer: Seriously, man, this is the worst actress I've ever seen.
- Nathan Ford: This is not her stage.
- Victor Dubenich: You recognize any of these names?
- Nathan Ford: Yeah, I've chased all of them one time or ano - Parker? You have Parker?
- Victor Dubenich: Is there somebody better?
- Nathan Ford: No. But Parker is insane.
- Victor Dubenich: Which is why I need you.
- Nathan Ford: [chuckles] No. I'm not a thief.
- Victor Dubenich: Thieves I got. What I need is one honest man to watch them.
- Hotel Clerk: They came straight from the airport and up to their room.
- Head of Security: So, you've never actually saw any of them then.
- Hotel Clerk: But the, the credit card numbers checked out!
- Head of Security: [to security guards at suite door] Break it down!
- [doors open on teenage Alec surrounded by women in Princess Leia bikini costumes holding toy lightsabers]
- Head of Security: Does that look like Mick Jagger to you?
- Alec Hardison: [waves hand slowly] This is not the room you're looking for.
- Nathan Ford: Eliot, what I want you to do is clear the zone and use Hardison as bait.
- Alec Hardison: Bait? Whoa hold up! Hold up! Wait a minute! I know you ain't talkin' about me, I ain't nobody's bait.
- [last lines]
- [a client asks what the team can do since the judge said he and his wife couldn't appeal their daughter's wrongful death]
- Nathan Ford: People like that... corporations like that, they have all the money, they have all the power, and they use it to make people like you go away. Right now, you're suffering under an enormous weight. We provide... leverage.
- Eliot Spencer: This thing safe?
- Alec Hardison: Yeah, it's completely safe... it's just you know, if you experience nausea, weakness in your right side, stroke, strokiness...
- Eliot Spencer: You're precisely why I work alone.
- Alec Hardison: Got all the designs, got all the backup. I'm leaving this cupboard bare.
- Nathan Ford: Drop the spike.
- Eliot Spencer: Did you give them a virus?
- Alec Hardison: [laughing] Dude, I gave them more than one virus.
- Nathan Ford: *This* is her stage. Sophie Devereaux is the finest actress you've ever seen... when she's breaking the law.
- Eliot Spencer: No. No. I vote no.
- Nathan Ford: Ah, Parker's right: Dubenich knows us, and we need a fresh face.
- Nathan Ford: [turns focus to Sophie leaving the stage door; applauds] I thought you were great.
- Sophie Devereaux: My only fan.
- Typed Caption: Sophie Devereaux: Grifter.
- Alec Hardison: [regarding the comm gear] No. No, no, no, *no*. No, *hell* no!
- Typed Caption: Alec Hardison: Internet and Computer Fraud
- Alec Hardison: This equipment is total VH-1, bra. It's "Best of the 80s". I got somethin' nicer.
- [Parker's flashback, Kansas City, 19 years ago]
- Drunk Dad: You thought I wouldn't find this? You don't get bunny until you do what I say. So be a good girl... or, I don't know... a better thief.
- Parker: I can't even tell how many guys are in the room, how can you tell who's who?
- Nathan Ford: Haircuts, Parker, count the haircuts.
- Parker: I would have missed that.
- Nathan Ford: What?
- Parker: Nothing!
- Parker: [pointing a gun at the others when she discovers she wasn't paid] My money's not in my account. That makes me cry inside, in my special angry place.
- Victor Dubenich: Mr. Ford, how badly do you want to screw the insurance company that let your son die?
- Parker: Problem. Those guards you ganked? They reset all the alarms on the roof and all the floors above us. We can't go up.
- Eliot Spencer: Every man for himself, dude.
- Alec Hardison: Go ahead! I'm the one with the merchandise.
- Parker: Yeah, well, I'm the one with an exit!
- Nathan Ford: [into comms] And I'm the one with a plan. Now, I know you children don't play well with others but I need you to hold it together for exactly seven more minutes. Now, get to the elevator and head down. We're going to the burn scam.
- [flashback, Paris, 7 years ago, Sophie is carefully cutting a painting from its frame]
- Nathan Ford: [kicks in the door] Freeze!
- [Sophie shoots Nate in the shoulder; Nate shoots Sophie in the back or backside]
- Sophie Devereaux: You wanker!
- Sophie Devereaux: I'm a citizen now... honest.
- Nathan Ford: I'm not.
- Sophie Devereaux: [she looks past Nathan to the rest of the team, then back to him] You're playing my side?
- [Nathan nods]
- Sophie Devereaux: I always thought you had it in you.
- Nathan Ford: Um, are you in?
- Sophie Devereaux: [nods] I wouldn't miss this.
- Parker: [from around the corner] Sophie!
- Sophie Devereaux: What's going on?
- Parker: [tosses a rappelling harness to Sophie] Put this on!
- Sophie Devereaux: What's it for?
- Parker: Speed.
- Victor Dubenich: Are you in?
- Nathan Ford: It's not gonna work. These - these people you've hired, they all have the same rep. They work alone. They always work alone. There's no exceptions. And there's no way they're gonna work for you.
- Victor Dubenich: No, they will. They will. For $300,000 each, they will.
- [ringing]
- Parker: [Southern accent] Hello. I.T.
- Dubenich's Secretary: Yeah, this is Victor Dubenich's office. My computer just completely crashed.
- Parker: Oh, well, I'm sorry to hear about that. Have you tried turning it on and off again?
- Alec Hardison: [to Nate, proudly] That's a computer thing. I, uh, I told her to say that.
- Nathan Ford: Well done.
- [first lines]
- Bartender: I checked. Airport's shuttle's in 15 minutes.
- [Bartender gives man at bar a drink. Man adds a mini-bottle of additional alcohol to the drink]
- Typed Caption: Nathan Ford: Ex-Insurance Investigator
- Victor Dubenich: I-I'm sorry. Uh, Mr. Ford, sorry, I know who you are. I've, uh - excuse me. I read all about you. I know, for example, that- that when you found that stolen Monet painting in Florence you probably saved your insurance company, what, twenty, twenty-five million dollars? But I just, uh, know that when you needed them... What happened to your family is the kind of thing...
- Nathan Ford: You know this part of the conversation where I punch you in the neck 9 or 10 times? We're coming up on that pretty quick.
- Victor Dubenich: I just want to offer you a job.
- Nathan Ford: What do you got?
- Victor Dubenich: Do you know anything about airplane design?
- Nathan Ford: I could give it a shot. You know, you could give me a pencil and one of those little rulers...
- Victor Dubenich: Somebody stole my airplane designs!
- Nathan Ford: Oh, I see, and you'd like me to find them, right?
- Victor Dubenich: No. I know where they are.
- [Dubenich leans in]
- Victor Dubenich: I want you to steal them back.
- Alec Hardison: Shouldn't *I* be playing the computer guy?
- Nathan Ford: No, I want you to actually *be* the computer guy.