Martin was a normal teenage boy before the country collapsed in an empty pit of economic and political disaster. A vampire epidemic has swept across what is left of the nation's abandoned ... See full summary »
Nearly a year after a botched job, a hitman takes a new assignment with the promise of a big payoff for three killings. What starts off as an easy task soon unravels, sending the killer into the heart of darkness.
When a successful country lawyer captures and attempts to "civilize" the last remaining member of a violent clan that has roamed the Northeast coast for decades, he puts the lives of his family in jeopardy.
Brandon Gerald Fuller,
Lauren Ashley Carter
Cheng Li-sheung is a young, upwardly mobile professional finally ready to invest in her first home. But when the deal falls through, she is forced to keep her dream alive - even if it means keeping her would-be neighbors dead.
In order to avoid a ghostly figure in the road, high school senior Brent Mitchell wraps his car around a tree, killing his father. Constantly confronted by his mother's emotional collapse after the accident, Brent escapes into a marijuana fueled world of loud metal music to block the pain and guilt. Dejected and out of sorts, he has a shot at happiness with his girlfriend Holly, a grounded, caring girl with drop dead good looks, a dream date for the high school prom. But his plans are thwarted by a disturbing series of events that take place under a mirrored disco ball, involving pink satin, glitter, syringes, nails, power drills and a secret admirer. Brent has become the prom king at a macabre, sadistic event where he is the entertainment. Written by
If this is an entertaining movie then what the hell is a boring one? Made for people whose life-time highlight was experiencing crib death as an infant.
No matter what genre a movie fits into there are good movies and bad ones. You can watch a horror movie and not be a horror movie fan and still enjoy it because it is a good movie. Personally, I'm a horror movie fan, having watched hundreds if not thousands of horror movies and can still appreciate a good drama (The House of Sand and Fog) or comedy (Harold and Kumar go to Whitecastle). There are just certain elements that make up a good movie that make them entertaining or interesting because of the creativity involved despite their genre or budget.
"The Loved Ones" has none of these elements.
At the time I write this the IMDb rating is 6.6 and I find this phenomena in comparison to how bad the movie is the main reason I'm writing. I watched up to 38 minutes of it before turning it off in complete boredom which sucked even more since there were so many 10 out of 10 reviews on this sight that made me anticipate how good this was supposed to be.
I'd like to be diplomatic and say the movie got good reviews because people's tastes are diverse but cannot bring myself to because the people who actually liked this movie must be the biggest f***ing idiots in the world. There is just no other way to say it. There is absolutely nothing original or interesting in this movie to validate the rating it has here or to be objective about the people who liked it. They are just morons plain and simple.
This is torture porn plain and simple. Is it fun, entertaining, witty, dark, surprising, or creative in any way that makes a good movie no matter what genre it is? No. It's redundant, stale, predictable,and has the personality of a department store mannequin fresh off the assembly line ready to be dressed up in last year's fashions to promote a liquidation sale. At best this movie could possibly be construed as laughably bad if you're partially retarded and mentally sadomasochistic at the same time, which must be the collective mindset of it's fan base.
I cannot stress this more: there is nothing funny, fun, crazy or twisted in the first 38 minutes of this movie unless you're a cinema virgin with amped-up disproportional self-delusions of your own deviancy. Everything I watched was the essence of complete boredom from the sappy sentimental set-up to the pseudo-psychotic behavior of the woefully unconvincing villains. At an 84 minute running time by the 38 minute mark there had been no gore and the evil psychos had done nothing more than kidnap a high school kid, threaten to put a nail through his penis (and did not), and chase him up a tree in a car. Whoa. Heavy. The film makers better stop now before they use up all their best, brightest and bloodiest ideas before the end of their not even hour-and-a-half long film (that's sarcasm by the way for the fans and filmmakers of this film in case it was too subtle).
Don't be fooled by the mindless hype behind "The Loved Ones". The fact that there is no point is not the point, it's the problem.
Even though I am not a huge fan of the torture porn genre (it being an excuse for film making hacks to hide their lack of talent, intelligence and creativity behind a minimalist narrative and plot structure like this one) here is a list of the best movies with stories, whether in the horror, comedy or drama genre, that are based on the act of torturing characters to propel the plot, drama or horror of the situation. All of them are far superior to "The Loved Ones".
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974). Farmhouse (2008). Swimming with Sharks (1994). The Pit and the Pendulum (1991). Among Friends (2009). Hard Candy (2005). Truth or Die (2012). No One Lives (2012). Martyrs (2008). The Human Centipede (2009). I Spit on Your Grave (2009). I Spit on Your Grave 2 (2013). Community (2012). Seven Days (2010). The Abominable Dr. Phibes (1971). Dr, Phibes Rises Again (1972) Storm Warning (2007).
There are a lot of different actions and devices in the movies listed above that define themselves as torture, from the literal to the abstract, and they are all open to interpretation. If only the people behind "The Loved Ones" had realized this the movie itself might have made enjoyable one of the most controversial behaviors of human nature rather than illustrating it to be what it usually is, the dull uninspired act of desperation better left as a political and social afterthought to a reality that is boring enough to be championed by people too stupid to handle their own problems in any other way.
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