Conan O'Brien: Self - Host

Quotes 

• Himself - Host : Uh, ladies and gentlemen, this is sort of a strange situation we have going on right now, uh, and I'll just tell you exactly what's happening. This is the God's honest truth. This has not happened, by the way, in fifteen plus years of doing this show. But this is the part of the show where I'd say, "Here comes comedian Katt Williams." He would walk out right here and he would sit down next to me, and we would talk and here's a very funny gentleman. Looking forward to having him on the show tonight. Uh, but, uh, just before the show started, still no word from Katt WIlliams. No. No word from him. We don't know where he is. My producer, Jeff Ross, said, "I dunno, I dunno where he is, I dunno what's goin' on." Uh, he said it just like that: "I dunno, but he should be here soon. Just talk to Dennis Hopper, it should be fine." That's what he did! So I said, "Okay, that's odd, he's really not here yet?" But we started the show, and we do this all the time. We've done hundreds of thousands of these shows, fifteen of them quite good.

  [audience laughs] 

  Himself - Host : But nothing! And just now, I was talking to Dennis Hopper, and he walked away- he actually rode a motorcycle out of the studio. The studio audience saw it, ahhh, you didn't see it at home! Um, back me up on that. It was incredible.

  [audience cheers] 

  Himself - Host : Incredible. He popped a wheelie, it was a big chopper, and he said, uh, it was pretty amazing. Um, and then Jeff came to me and again said, "Still not here. You gotta kill the time." I was, "Uh, what are you talking about, he's not here? He's gotta be here!" Now I don't wanna, I hope he's okay, I don't know where he is. I hope, uh, maybe he's celebrating this momentous day, I don't know. I don't wanna make any assumptions. I hope he's fine, I hope he's okay. He was here to promote, uh, this, uh, DVD, I believe: "Katt Williams: It's Pimpin' Pimpin'".

  [shows DVD cover] 

  Himself - Host : This is him thinking very hard about whether or not he should show up at "Late Night with Conan O'Brien". And... no. This has never happened before, uh, what am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to do? That's the big question. Well, I've had a little bit of experience killing time. About a year ago, there was a writer's strike, um...

  [audience laughs] 

  Himself - Host : there was, the writers went on strike. And after a period of time, I came back on the air, forced at gunpoint by General Electric. Uh...

  [audience laughs] 

  Himself - Host : they said, "Do it, or we'll pollute the Hudson even more!" It was a threat! What was I gonna do? They said, "You do it, or we'll..."

  [mimes dumping] 

  Himself - Host : You see a seven-eyed fish, you know where it came from!

  [knocks desk mic over] 

  Himself - Host : The point is...

  [audience laughs] 

  Himself - Host : that now I'm going to be fired. My problem used to be: Katt Williams didn't show up; now I've angered a monolithic corporation, that's right now building a gold robot to beat me to death.

• Himself - Host : [before trying to break his wedding ring spinning record]  Hey! Can we do this?

  [audience chants with him:] 

  Himself - Host : YES. WE. CAN!

  [pause] 

  Himself - Host : That's a new low for me.

  [laughs] 

  Himself - Host : Oh, I'm a bad guy.