Family Guy (TV Series)

Brian's Got a Brand New Bag (2009)

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, White Runner

Photos 

Quotes 

• Rita : You can leave my apartment key on the davenport.

  Brian Griffin : Here?

  Rita : No, the davenport, the chesterfield.

  Brian Griffin : On this?

  Rita : No. Does that look like a divan to you?

  Brian Griffin : Here?

  Rita : Ugh. Leave them on the chifforobe.

  Brian Griffin : You know what? Just take your fucking keys. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

• Chris Griffin : Why are they selling all those DVDs so cheap?

  Peter Griffin : Because, Chris, DVDs are outdated and obsolete. Like white track stars.

  [cutaway] 

  Olympics Referee : On your marks, get set. White guys, go!

  [starter pistol] 

  White Runner : I have high hopes for this. I had a Clif bar before we started.

  Olympics Referee : Everybody else!

  [starter pistol; the black athletes easily outpace the white ones] 

  White Runner : [fearful gasp]  Phew. I thought they were coming after us.

• Peter Griffin : Oh, my god! "Road House"! I wanna buy this!

  Video Store Clerk : Great, and as a bonus, I'll throw in "What Dreams May Come" with Robin Williams.

  Peter Griffin : No, thank you.

  Video Store Clerk : No charge.

  Peter Griffin : I do not want it.

  Video Store Clerk : But it's free, sir.

  Peter Griffin : If that DVD even touches "Road House", I will kill you.

• Peter Griffin : [finishing "Road House"]  That was awesome! And its message is timeless.

  Brian Griffin : Peter, the only message in that movie is that every problem can be solved by kicking.

  Peter Griffin : [gasp]  Oh, my god. Brian, you're right.

  Brian Griffin : Peter, I'm joking.

  Peter Griffin : What did you say to me?

  Brian Griffin : Peter, what are you doing?

  Peter Griffin : Get off my plane.

  Brian Griffin : That's not even the same...

  [Peter roundhouse kicks him] 

  Brian Griffin : Ohhh! What the hell?

  Peter Griffin : Not gonna talk to me like that in my bar.

  Brian Griffin : It's not a bar.

  [another roundhouse kick] 

  Brian Griffin : Ohh!

  [Peter proceeds to beat him up, throwing him outside into the street; to avoid him, a driver overturns his car into Cleveland's house, and an empty bathtub slides out from the top floor and smashes on the ground] 

  Peter Griffin : Oh, that's right. Cleveland moved.

• Lois Griffin : You know, it's still early, Peter. What do you say we horse around a little, huh?

  Peter Griffin : I think I can get on board with that.

  [they giggle and turn out the lights; after a moment, a kicking sound is heard] 

  Lois Griffin : Ow!

  Peter Griffin : Road House.

  Lois Griffin : Peter, for god's sakes, if you're gonna do that, at least aim for my breasts.

  [another kicking sound] 

  Lois Griffin : [aroused giggling]  Oh, yeah.

• Brian Griffin : Well, you met her. What do you think?

  [Lois laughs] 

  Brian Griffin : What?

  Lois Griffin : [still laughing]  What do I think? She's a hundred! Oh, my god! Peter, did you see her?

  Peter Griffin : [upstairs]  I'm looking at her now! I can see her from the window up here! Hey, anybody make a Jessica Tandy joke yet?

  Lois Griffin : No!

  Brian Griffin : Awesome! I'll be right down.

  Chris Griffin : [just as Peter arrives]  Hey, Brian, who are you dating, Jessica Tandy?

  Peter Griffin : Son of a bitch! Damn it, Chris, I called that from upstairs!

• Stewie Griffin : Hey, it's 4:30. Isn't there an early bird special you should be running off to?

  Brian Griffin : She's 50, Stewie. She's not an old woman.

  [his phone rings] 

  Brian Griffin : Hello? Hey, Rita.

  [lowering his voice] 

  Brian Griffin : Uh, no, I'm not hungry yet. Well, if we get there by 5:30, I'm sure they'll honor it.

  Stewie Griffin : Brian, is she calling dinner "supper"?

  Brian Griffin : So, what are you doing this afternoon?

  Stewie Griffin : [high-pitched falsetto]  "Oh, I'm just sorting out my pills for the week, sweetie."

  Brian Griffin : Well, you do that, and I'll be over a little later.

  Stewie Griffin : [he hangs up]  Huh? Did I get it? Was she sorting out her pills for the week? In that little plastic thing with the seven boxes? Hmm?

  Brian Griffin : Actually, she just got back from the gym, and she's jumping in the shower.

  Stewie Griffin : She got a chair in that shower?

  Brian Griffin : Shut up!

  Stewie Griffin : [Brian leaves]  Have archeologists ever discovered ancient Egyptian pottery in her vagina? You know what? That one was too wordy. That one was too wordy. That-that was... that was flawed from the ground up. It wasn't funny, and we'll work on it and get back to you.

• Rita : Is that... your condom?

  Brian Griffin : No! I... I-I mean, I mean I-I-I wasn't gonna use that on your daughter. I mean, I-I-I wouldn't... I would not... I would not use a condom on your daughter. I mean, I-I-I would, if I was having sex with her, which obviously, I would not do. But if... if... I mean, I'm safe and all, you know. I-I get an AIDS test once every three months. And, and-and not because I... I... it's... you know, it's not because I have a lot of sex. I just... I just eat a lot of poo off the street. Come to think of it, how did this get in my wallet in the first place?

  Stewie Griffin : [narrating an accompanying note]  Dear Brian, somewhere between the point when you're excited enough to want it and too excited to care, think about your future. Your friend, Stewie.

  Brian Griffin : Well, I think I've been humiliated enough for one evening. Sorry to bother you.