Eastbound & Down (TV Series)

Chapter 1 (2009)

Danny McBride: Kenny Powers

Photos 

Quotes 

• Kenny Powers : Undaunted, I knew the game was mine to win. Just like in life, all of my successes depend on me. I'm the man who has the ball, I'm the man who can throw it faster than fuck. So that is why I am better than everyone in the world. Kiss my ass and suck my dick. Everyone.

• Kenny Powers : Sure, I've been called a xenophobe, but the truth is, I'm not. I honestly just feel that America is the best country and the other countries aren't as good. That used to be called patriotism.

• Kenny Powers : When my ass was 19 years old I changed the face of Professional Baseball.

• Kenny Powers : You're fuckin' out!

• Kenny Powers : Ya'll get that tanning bed i sent ya'll last year?

  Cassie Powers : Yeah, you mean the one you sent three years ago?

  Kenny Powers : Wow. Three years... hmm. Well, it IS a tanning bed.

• Kenny Powers : Y'all named your kid after fuckin' Titanic? You gotta be shittin me!

  Dustin Powers : It's Cassie's favorite movie.

  Kenny Powers : Oh wow, you better be shittin me. What's his name fuckin' Shrek? No, huh?

• Kenny Powers : Can I wear the Scream mask? The mask from Scream... when I do you from behind...

• [first lines] 

  Kenny Powers : When my ass was 19 years old, I changed the face of professional baseball. I was handed the keys to the kingdom, multi-million dollar deals, endorsements. Everyone wanted a piece of my shit. Just a man with a mind for victory and an arm like a fucking cannon. But sometimes when you bring the thunder, you get lost in the storm.

• Kenny Powers : I'm sick and tired of carrying all the weight, the coaches and owners not giving me the shit I need to win. Atlanta, you're fucking out. Kenny Powers is now a free agent. Let's buy the bar and get shitfaced. Get me paid, bitch!

• Kenny Powers : But a true champion, face to face with his darkest hour, will do whatever it takes to rise above. A man fights, and fights, and then fights some more. Because surrender is death, and death is for pussies.

• Cassie Powers : Her name is Rose, named after Ms. Kate Winslet in the movie 'Titanic'.

  Kenny Powers : [laughs]  Y'all named your daughter after fucking 'Titanic'?

  Dustin Powers : Cassie's favorite movie.

  Kenny Powers : [laughs]  Wow, you gotta be shittin' me.

  [points to Dustin's son] 

  Kenny Powers : What's his name, fuckin' Shrek?

• P.E. Kid : When you did steroids, did they make your balls shrink?

  Kenny Powers : Oh, you think that's funny? How 'bout I show you my balls right now and you can tell me if they shrunk, huh? No, for your information, I have full-size balls. Next question.

• Timid Kid : My dad said you ruined baseball.

  Kenny Powers : You know what? I can already tell that I don't like you. And I'm probably not gonna like you no matter how many pull-ups or push-ups you do. All right, anybody who wants to pick on anybody in class, aim for him, 'cause I'm not watchin'.

• Clegg : Powers. Step into my office. Let's do some blow.

  Kenny Powers : Finally, motherfucker.

• Terrence Cutler : Kenny, I've called you here for something rather serious and kind of sad. Coach Booth died this morning. They're not sure, but they think he may have been taking too many of the pain pills the doctor gave him for his back.

  Kenny Powers : Shit, you can die from that?

• Girl P.E. Student #1 : Is it true you were in jail?

  Kenny Powers : No babe, rehab.

  Girl P.E. Student #2 : Did you hurt yourself?

  Kenny Powers : No, I didn't hurt myself.

  Girl P.E. Student #2 : 'Cause Coach Booth said after his back surgery he has to go to rehab.

  Kenny Powers : Oh okay. Yeah I hurt myself, I hurt my nose.

• Terrence Cutler : When I heard you were gonna be subbing here I almost lost my mind.

  Kenny Powers : Well that's good for you.

  Terrence Cutler : There's something you need to know, Kenny. You're not the only athlete here at Jeff Davis. I happen to be training for a Triathlon right now. Doin' a lot of running, and cycling, swimming. Well you know all about that.

  Kenny Powers : No actually I don't. I do SPORTS. Not try to be the best at exercising.

• Kenny Powers : [on phone with prostitute]  Alright, so let me get this straight. So I gotta pay for a blow job, and I gotta pay for a fuckin' hotel room too? Well that seems like I'm spending too much money for nothin' I got a house. You can just get your ass over and we could just do the blow job here. And can I wear the 'SCREAM' mask? The mask from 'SCREAM' while I do you from behind.

  [prostitute hangs up] 

  Kenny Powers : Hello? Hey?

• Kenny Powers : When we were kids, me and your Dad used to beat the shit out of these retard brothers that used live down the street from us. Hilarious! I mean this guy was the most ruthless one! Now, I'm sittin here, he's got a family, nice shirt on.

  Cassie Powers : We try to teach our children not to make fun of others who are challenged.

  Kenny Powers : Mongoloid Mike? Is that what you used to call him?

• Kenny Powers : I'm the man who has the ball. I'm the man who can throw it faster than fuck. So that is why i am better than everyone in the world. Kiss my ass and suck my dick... everyone.

• Kenny Powers' motivational tape : Undaunted, I knew the game was mine to win. Just like in life, all of my successes depend on me. I'm the man who has the ball, I'm the man who can throw it faster than fuck. So that is why I am better than everyone in the world. Kiss my ass and suck my dick, everyone.

• Kenny Powers' motivational tape : A lot of people ask me, 'Kenny Powers, you're a giant superstar. You can get any woman. Have you ever paid for sex?' And the answer is yes, I have. Several times, in fact. And it's actually kinda cool. You can negotiate practically anything and sometimes, even just kind of do stuff in the moment that you never agreed to pay for and it goes by without much argument.

• Kenny Powers' motivational tape : Sure, I've been called a xenophobe, but the truth is I'm not. i honestly just feel that America is the best country and all the other countries aren't as good. That used to be called 'patriotism'.

• Kenny Powers : Fuck man, I'm a bulletproof tiger, dude!

• Reporter : Kenny, What do you think of New York?

  Kenny Powers : You mean Jew York? It's fucking great.

• Kenny Powers : My minds still blown you got three kids. I remember when you were having this one.

  [points to Wayne] 

  Kenny Powers : Old blondy over here.

  Dustin Powers : We got three.

  Kenny Powers : Three handsome young men. The POWER'S way.

  Dustin Powers : uhh... littlest one's a girl.

  Cassie Powers : [to baby Rose]  You certainly are.

  [to Kenny] 

  Cassie Powers : Her name is ROSE. Named after Ms. Kate Winslet in the movie 'TITANIC'

  Kenny Powers : [laughing]  Ya'll named your daughter after fuckin' TITANIC?

  Dustin Powers : It's Cassie's favorite movie.

  Kenny Powers : Oh wow. You gotta be shittin' me.

  [points to boy next to Wayne] 

  Kenny Powers : What's his name? Fuckin' Shrek?

  [pause] 

  Kenny Powers : No, huh?

• News Reporter : So, Kenny. How do you feel about playing for New York?

  Kenny Powers : You mean 'JEW' York? It's fuckin' great.

• Cassie Powers : You get the Christmas cards we got you this year?

  Kenny Powers : Uhh, yeah I think so, yeah. I mean I get a shit ton of fan mail, so it's a lot of mail to go through. So, uhh yeah I think I did. Ya'll get that tanning bed I sent ya'll last year?

  Cassie Powers : Yeah the one you sent three years ago?

  Kenny Powers : Three years? Wow. Um. Um. Well it is a tannin' bed, you know. So...

  [to the boys] 

  Kenny Powers : you boys ever tag team anybody? Beat up any kids in your neighborhood? When we were kids, me and your dad used to beat the shit out of these retard brothers who used to live down the streets from us. Hilarious

  [referencing Dustin] 

  Kenny Powers : I mean this guy was the most ruthless one. Now, I'm sitting here, he has a family. He's got a nice shirt on.

  Cassie Powers : We try to teach our children NOT to make fun of others who are challenged

  Kenny Powers : 'MONGOLOID' Mike. Is that what we used to call him? We used to bush his head open with a stick. Remember that?

  Cassie Powers : Okay. I think we're gonna tone down the language, right.

• Kenny Powers : Alright, got time for one more.

  [picks timid looking kid in the bleachers] 

  Kenny Powers : Timid Kid.

  Timid Kid : My dad said you ruined baseball.

  Kenny Powers : You know what, I can already tell that I don't like you. And I'm probably not gonna like you no matter how many pull ups or pushups you do.

  [to the class] 

  Kenny Powers : If anybody wants to pick on anybody in class...

  [points back to timid looking kid] 

  Kenny Powers : Aim for him, because I ain't watchin'.

• Kenny Powers : You're fucking out!

• Kenny Powers : You're fucking out.

• Terrence Cutler : There's something you need to know about Kenny, you're not the only athlete here at Chip Davis. I happen to be training for a triathlon. Doing a lot of running, cycling, swimming, but you know all about that.

  Kenny Powers : No actually I don't. I play real sports, not try to be the best at exercising!

• Kid in Gym Class : My dad said you ruined baseball!

  Kenny Powers : You know what? I can already tell that I don't like you! And I'm probably not going to like you no matter how many pull-ups or push-ups you do! If anybody wants to pick on anybody in class, aim for him, cause I aint watching

• Kenny Powers : You wanna know about relationships? I know all there is to know. Just ask my second wife, Tina. Yeah, she was a stripper. And if Montel Williams wants to talk shit some more then he can go fuck himself, 'cause those charges were dropped.

• Kenny Powers : I am the man who has the ball, I am the man who can throw it faster than fuck. So that is why, I, am better than everyone in the world. Kiss my ass and suck my dick! EVERYONE!

• Kenny Powers : You named your baby after "Titanic"? What's this mother fucker's name? Shrek?

• Kenny Powers : [repeated line when pitching a strikeout]  You're fucking out!

• Terrence Cutler : You want a smoothie?

  Kenny Powers : No, I'm straight.