- Charlie Harper: Jake's in the bathroom. He's either finishing breakfast or starting lunch.
- Herb: Well, he's a growing boy.
- Charlie Harper: He's a growing pain in my ass.
- Alan Harper: He says that with love.
- Charlie Harper: No, I say it with a dull, throbbing pain in my ass.
- Charlie Harper: What have they got you on?
- Herb: All the good stuff. They could pull out all my teeth and I wouldn't even know it. They haven't, have they?
- [Opens mouth]
- Jake Harper: What's your movie idea?
- Alan Harper: It's about a man who finds himself at a crossroads in his life.
- Jake Harper: You know what I think of that movie? Boring! Rated G... A,Y.
- Charlie Harper: Alan, smack your kid for me.
- Alan Harper: Should we really risk more brain damage?
- Jake Harper: Thanks for sticking up for me, Dad.
- Alan Harper: Oh, hey! You'll never guess who I ran into.
- Jake Harper: Kobe Bryant?
- Alan Harper: No.
- Jake Harper: Lauren Conrad?
- Alan Harper: No.
- Jake Harper: Sean "P. Diddy" Combs?
- Alan Harper: What is wrong with you?
- [Turning toward Charlie]
- Alan Harper: No, I... I ran into Mia at the coffee shop.
- Charlie Harper: You're kidding!
- Alan Harper: No. Apparently, she's single again and living in L.A.
- Jake Harper: What's wrong with *you*?
- Charlie Harper: So... Mia. How'd she look?
- Alan Harper: Better than ever.
- Charlie Harper: Damn. What'd she say?
- Alan Harper: Uh, she said to give you her best.
- Charlie Harper: That's it?
- Alan Harper: Pretty much.
- Charlie Harper: How'd she say it?
- Alan Harper: Whadda ya mean?
- Charlie Harper: I mean was it perfunctory or was there subtext?
- Jake Harper: Per-func-tory... That could be my rap name: M.C. Perfunctory.