- Andy Anderson: [having just performed a stunt in which he rides a motorcycle through the house, up the stairs, out the top floor window, into Jensen's house, down his stairs and finishes up by face-planting into the ground] So, what did you think?
- Louie: Perfect. Now, can you do it one more time for real? I forgot to focus.
- Andy Anderson: What? You know how many bones I just broke?
- Louie: And I appreciate every one of them. Now, whenever you're ready.
- Andy Anderson: That's it, I quit.
- Louie: Sorry, Dad, you're just not right for the part.
- Andy Anderson: I know this part. I am this guy.
- Louie: Dewey Landerson's father needs to be a tough, crusty old guy with a heart of gold.
- Andy Anderson: I can do crusty. I am crusty!
- Louie: Sorry, Dad, we're going in a different direction. Next.
- Mr. Jensen: [playing Dewey's father] Darling, if it's not too much bother, could you possibly bring me a beverage that's slightly cooler than room temperature, hmm?
- Louie: No, no, no, no, no, NO!
- Mr. Jensen: Is there a problem?
- Louie: Um, how do I put this? You didn't quit that pathology job, did you, Mr. Jensen?
- Narrator: I secluded myself in my room and wrote the script. Turns out, it wasn't so hard. What they say is true: these things practically write themselves.
- Jeannie Harper: I don't think Janey should be such a victim. See, I see Janey as a take-charge kinda gal who unties herself from the railroad tracks. I wanna give her some spunk, some life. So, what do you think?
- Louie: I think you're fired. Hey, Tommy, put on a wig and tie yourself up.
- Louie: Change of plans: I'm going to be playing Evil Ernie now.
- Jeannie Harper: But you're playing Dewey Landerson.
- Louie: I'll wear a different hat.