Journey to Promethea (2010 TV Movie) User Reviews

New Lease on Life

[harris3810-1 · 1/10 · 20 January 2011]

My 12-year-old nephew chose this film off our NetFlix suggestions list. I find this suggestion extremely frightening because it proves the Internets, or NetFlix at least, are now self-aware and have the ability to read not only into your mind, but your soul. In the opening scene of the film I was skeptical; were these 'medieval' costumes so clean because they were rented and needed to be returned later that afternoon? were there actually three Snow White figures in each town? is chrome armor so effective you don't need pants? do six soldiers make an army?

As the piece continued, however, my disbelief lifted like a fog and I began to really get a feel for the characters. There was a woodland hunter, so human, so fallible, who did not realize he could not kill anything with his crossbow because there was no point on the arrow. This touch of subtlety in the creation of this work of art indicates a master's hand. The 'hero' character, young, naive, beautiful, wore knee-high boots with tassels that were as new to walking as he was to battle in a stunning display of symbolism. The greenish-yellow troll thing spoke with an electronically-altered voice rendering it completely impossible to understand and his floppy rubber hands warned me: DO NOT TRUST THIS TROLL. (I did not.)

In London I saw Ian McKellan and Patrick Stewart perform Samuel Beckett's "Waiting for Godot," but never before have I been blown away by a performance than last night when I saw Billy Zane's interpretation of the King (I forgot the king's name). His mannerisms: pure royalty. His face: a mirror into my own decadence. His hair: well, I think it was a wig. It would be criminal for me with my rustic intellect to even attempt a worthy critique. Like a sunrise after a storm or the birth of an angel, you must see it to fully understand its beauty and its effect on the human spirit.

Many of you can appreciate a spectacular smile on a young woman, and boy does this film deliver. The filmmakers were well aware of the little-known tactic 'Amazon' warriors used with great effect: distract your enemy with the nearly-exposed female form. The grace and fluidity in movement of these lady-soldiers complement their skill as orators. When a supple young bodyguard tightens her delectable abdomen and draws a deep breath before pledging her very life to protect the princess, you find yourself hoping the situation never calls for blood, because she. is. serious. SPOILER: She lives like 2 more minutes.

I realize this review must gloss over much of the film, but the one scene that cannot be overlooked, the culmination of hours, maybe days of writing, setting up, filming, is the final epic battle between good and evil. The King's general, Fat Round-Faced Bald Man with No Pants, finally confronts our hero and his sexy entourage. With an army of at least 6 men, No Pants Man boldly dispatches everyone in his way, even our hero's beloved mentor who was supposed to be an awesome warrior. Fortunately, our hero is reminded through (rather ill-timed) flashback to "Remember his Destiny!" and soundly defeats No Pants Man by knocking tobacco juice out of his mouth. Our hero and his semi-buff, shirtless brother, accompanied by super-hot princess run to thrust the glowing sword into a pile of cardboard. I am not sure why the film crew chose cardboard, but it worked. Miles away, Billy Zane burst into flames (much like my eyes had done during his performance) and that was pretty much it. All the 'townsfolk' in their very clean costumes walked towards their dazzling castle, painted on the sky in the far distance.

In conclusion, this film, this commentary on the human condition, has started me on a new path. I no longer overlook starving homeless people. Now I look on with pity. I pick litter up off the street (as long as there is a trash can nearby). Please, take 84 minutes to watch this film and let's make the world a better place. One Star for only being 84 minutes long.

My 343rd Review: Way Beyond Renaissance Fair Bad.....

[intelearts · 1/10 · 12 October 2010]

Hear ye, hear ye.....if you think that this kind of language is impossibly exciting then you will probably tolerate JTP.....but seriously....

Every single cliché ever is trumped by some of the worst filming lighting and sound, if you were to gave a bunch of renaissance fair geeks some high quality cameras and a wardrobe budget that would be (verily) a massive improvement.

The acting would grace any high school stage - and in fact the whole exercise looks like it was cooked up by a high school drama team.

The only magic here is the amazing trick that someone pulled in getting this greenlighted - promote that person I say - they managed to turn a pile of manure into well, more manure, while still making gold from dross for themselves - now that's magic.

If you love anything with magic, knights, and princesses, then don't, just don't, seriously, there is nothing remotely magic about this and you will watch and then go off and burn your costumes in shame.

Definitely only for the fanboys.....and then probably not even them....

worst movie of the year

[jasonryan1991 · 1/10 · 3 December 2010]

i can't believe that someone took the time to invest money into this horrible storyline. The customs used looked as if they were purchased from the Walmart Halloween section, and the makeup from a junior high school drama room. The studio should be forced to reimburse anyone who was fooled into renting this piece of trash. The actors are juvenile in their attempt to acting, the action scenes pitiful. They can't even make the blood look real. This is the lowest of acting from a usually good actor Billy Zane He certainly reached a low point in his career with this flick. Don't bother renting or taking the time to even consider it.

This is the worst film I have ever seen in my life

[danny-boy72 · 1/10 · 30 January 2011]

The beginning of the film was doubtful, as all the costumes looked like they had been purchased from a local store just before use. Their was no make-up art worth talking about, and no one in the film had any sort of professional acting skills. The plot was never completely established and the part that was established never took place. The main character Grado is supposedly grandson of the previous king and has somehow become a farmer in a group of people that apparently walk through the forest forever, with no apparent purpose. Death is given little thought in this movie(sorry did I say movie, I meant elementary drama production) characters randomly die of unknown causes and those around them simply shrug. The little yellow troll, from what I can tell is Satin weird creeper cousin is suddenly wounded and dies in the middle of the film, but it is a joy to be rid of him. The mysterious hunter that wonders why he can never shoot a rabbit never realizes his arrow is a small tube, it's strange he can't even hunt considering he was one of the greatest soldiers ever in the kings army. The large bearded evil man with no pants is the protagonist in it, and while he is said to be more powerful than the entire army which is about 8 guys by the way is defeated when he is hit with a sword, and spits ketchup out of his mouth. The movie is finished when the magical sword is stabbed into the sacred cardboard rock, and the king magically turns into dust and for some reason all the guards in his chamber are already dead. I give this movie a -438 stars but you can only go as low as one.

Atrociously bad and painful to watch (unless you are a male :) )

[zoltar-1 · 2/10 · 12 October 2010]

Never before I was in the situation to rate a movie so low as this one. Actors are also simply bad, especially the supposedly lead hero. Imho the only one that seemed any good was Billy Zane as King Laypach. But even the cruel king was bored out of his mind practically begging for the movie to end. Of course the ending itself is uninspired to say the least(with that stone just sitting there in the middle of nowhere).

Special FX are a shame even for an amateur. As a matter of fact they are worst I ever seen. I saw that the estimated budget on IMDb is around $2,000,000. That's way too many zeros it surely must a mistake. I can't possibly think on what they could spend such an amount. Almost all the action takes place in the forest. Nothing was needed to be built. Trees grow by themselves. The castle itself it just a drawing. Also even for the medieval times, having most of the actors walking barefoot is just laughable. Even the king himself has no shoes...

So why does the movie gets a grade of 2 instead of one ? Lots of beautiful ladies save the day... again. It was all thanks to: Marcelle Baer, Jessica Heap, Cherie Thibodeaux, Lacey Minchew(my personal favorite) and few others not listed on IMDb that I made to the end. Also the movie might appeal to small children(below 10) even though it has a few violent scenes. For a good quality fairy tale I recommend The Secret of Moonacre.

Don't, Don't, Don't watch this movie!

[bethannhalverson · 1/10 · 31 October 2010]

Unless you are so bored, and have watched every other movie on the planet! I swear the budget had to be around $2,000. The music, costumes and acting were just SO awful. I simply cannot believe Billy Zane would agree to do this movie! Maybe his mortgage is going head up... Don't waste your time, go see something else! Voice effects were inconsistent, face makeup was so clearly done by a total amateur, and the plot was very far-fetched. I could not believe how awful and unoriginal the music score was. I am, however, happy that the dreams of some actors were achieved. It looked to me like writer, director & producer Dan Garcia had been involved with some other actual good movies. What made him sink so low?

Billy Zane didn't even want mid-level billing on this, apparently - with good reason.

[oldkingsol · 1/10 · 23 June 2011]

I'm too tormented by visions of gray knit "chain mail" armor & the awesomely enormous budget my nephew's 3rd grade spring play had compared to the apparent budget of this flick. I think the best, clearest indicator of the caliber of this movie is in the list of cast on the front of IMDb's page for this movie. Billy Zane is featured prominently on the cover of the movie, but appears nowhere on the primary cast listing. The first mention you see of his name on the IMDb site itself is in the review appearing on the primary page. He may or may not be listed in the extended cast listing you can reach by clicking "full cast & crew", but I don't want to know.

Just... don't. Really. You won't regret it. The other reviews are not lying. Unless you're feeling really lackadaisical and not too concerned with enjoying the experience, in which case, go for it. :-)

WOW! Unforgettable is an understatement

[boffotov · 20 October 2010]

To say this was an epic adventure would hardly do it justice(it's only 83 minutes long)but I'm sure it took much longer to film it in the backwoods of Louisiana. Unclouded by action, stunts, effects or even acting, the plot was childishly simple and it was very easy to tell good from bad. I don't want to pan the flick, it was what it was - entertaining. Funny, in fact. I think Billy Zane put it best in the throne room, when he deadpans "man, we're really in the sh*t now". I felt like a guest at a convention for SCA fan-films. I especially enjoyed the wide vista shots of Promethea - looks like photo-shop from Mom & Dad's vacation in the Appalachians. Kudos to wardrobe - those knee-length gray box-knit sweaters you chose as 'ring mail' hauberks looked both convincing and comfortable. I cannot say as much for the chrome spaghetti pot helmets and very shiny breastplates. The faux-suede and leather skirt/bra combos of the princess's escort were a very nice touch, as were the really big unsheathed swords. With a budget of a mere $2M, cutting corners on little stuff like wardrobe and SFX leaves more money for important things, like catering. As the box cover says 'Their Courage will make them Legends" I'll be talking about this one for quite a while I expect. My vote: Watch it with GOOD friends, you can share the laughs. Besides, it's only $5 bucks, and if your friends cover snacks, it's all good.

Watch for laughs only

[nurse545 · 1/10 · 12 November 2010]

Okay Redbox needs to remove this out of their machines. We should get paid to watch, not pay to watch. I've seen decent B movies but this doesn't even qualify as a Z!!!! The costumes on the Simarians were so clean and bright and new, I was looking for the price tags! The chrome soldier helmets and breast shields looked like they had just been polished and buffed. I had a hard time finding any sadness for the good people who were killed. Also the King's harem and the princess' female guards looked like soft porn stars and their acting wasn't anything to write home about. I was surprised that our characters just kept leaving fires unattended, Smokey the Bear couldn't keep up. The plot line was barely there. I guess if you are the writer/director/producer you don;t have enough time to develop the story and deal with all the details. The cover and the poster are better than the entire movie. The synopsis on the cover was better written and more entertaining than the whole movie. It was bad enough the 83 minutes the movie took but the credits were long and went at a snail's pace to prolong the agony. The princess had very little affect to her face, she looked bored with the whole production.

Obligated to watch.....

[hasmicdesigns · 1/10 · 25 June 2016]

My now wife and fellow cast members of the Louisiana Renaissance Festival are the 'citizens' at the beginning of this monstrosity. I had to watch it out of obligation to them at the time....... and it was bad. The best part of this film? The box cover lies about Billy Zane's role! He doesn't wear armor and fight! Instead he sits on his ass making dumb jokes about armies of children and mothers. The only times he leaves the throne are to 1) go to bed on the floor in front of it with his harem and 2) To die in the most ridiculous way possible. The effects are crap, the acting is mediocre, the costuming is alright, a lot of poor decisions made in editing. All in all a bad movie not even worthy of infamy like Troll 2 and The Room. Definitely a movie to skip.

The stupidest waste of money ever

[teresa-10-718265 · 1/10 · 25 March 2011]

This is the stupidest movie I have every seen. I could do better filming it in my back yard. I can't believe the video store even carries it. We couldn't even get through the whole movie. The best/worst part that had us in stitches was when Ari dies and they try to simulate the drama of Gladiator with the flashing of his wife on the screen. And his dying agony is probably the worst acting I have ever seen. The costumes are so fake and cheap looking. My son and I were almost crying we were laughing so hard at how ridiculous this movie was. Why did all of the villains have to have stupidly made up distorted faces? What was the deal with the fortune teller with bad white contact lenses? They definitely spent their money on the DVD cover to make it look remotely interesting. But what a stupidly bad movie. What kind of low has Billy Zane sunk to to be in it? Or did he just want to roll around for a few hours with the pathetic actresses in his scenes? Why did the princesses guards have next to no clothing on and half of the people had bare feet? I could go on and on.....

"Troll 2" at the Renaissance Fair

[JohnC09 · 8/10 · 27 November 2011]

When one chooses to watch "Journey to Promethea," with a poster featuring a sword-wielding, 45-year-old Billy Zane surrounded by hot babes and sweaty beefcakes, one should already be able to tell what he or she is getting into. There is nothing to suggest the presence of a well-crafted story, or decent acting, or interesting effects, or any level of professional film-making. All one should expect is a sword-wielding Billy Zane. And you're not going to get it! No, he never wields a sword, or even leaves his chair. But he does inexplicably - and literally - vanish into thin air at the end.

A generation that hails "Troll 2" as a cult favorite for unintentional hilarity shouldn't pass up a movie like this. You like bad acting? It's there. Massive plot holes? Check. Bizarre, unexplainable behavior by characters who appear and die off for seemingly no reason? Of course! If it amuses you to see just how amateurish, rushed, and entirely unnecessary a $2,000,000 movie can be, and if you can find a way to watch it entirely for free, then "Journey to Promethea" is worth your time.

Horrible film.

[professionalevan · 1/10 · 3 November 2010]

The cover was actually the only key element that got me to rent this movie. I think the cover is better than the movie itself. The second it started I didn't like it. Bad angles, weird lighting, the wardrobe looked too clean cut, warrior armor looked fake, dialog wasn't right, and the extras looked like they didn't want to be there. This movie was completely "see thru" to me. Almost as if the production was meant more for a preschool Play rather than a full length film. The beginning was lame, the middle was lame, and the ending was lame. The actors with masks on looked like Halloween costumes that you might see at a theme park in October. I guess you can say the only thing that kept me some what interested was the hot females. Other than that, a complete waste of my time. I'm not mad at the actors/actresses because their just doing their jobs. I'm mad at the entire staff behind this film. Will never support a Dan Garcia movie ever again. Folks, you might be more entertained by watching a full length porn film from the 70's.

So bad its good

[NewEnglandCamper-945-454545 · 2/10 · 8 January 2011]

I knew something was up when the movie started and the cast looked like they escaped from the King Richard's fair. All the costumes looked brand news too bright. Walmart Halloween clearance rack?? The only ones benefitting was the soldiers in the tacky helmets. They don't have to show their face in this movie.

What was going on with the filming? It was shaky in some areas. I think my son could do better with our home camcorder.

Overall, I agree with the last reviewer... watch it with good friends... its so bad that its good to make fun of! Tacky costumes (what's with the cape and tights?) and with the comically seductive but mindless women? Oh well, I only paid $1 for it at Redbox. LOL!

Billy Zane never stands in this entire production.

[masoperez · 1/10 · 31 May 2018]

Rarely funny even ironically and gets a star for at least having a plot that can be followed.

It doesn't get much worse

[Leofwine_draca · 2/10 · 18 June 2018]

JOURNEY TO PROMETHEA is another zero-budget fantasy film made by amateur filmmakers shooting out in the American woods somewhere. The whole thing is a travesty of filmmaking and among the worst movies you'll ever see; certainly it has little discernable plot, and completely horrid acting from the entire cast. Poor old Billy Zane is stuck appearing in this, playing an evil king who swaggers around, sits on his throne, and makes a great deal of wisecracks. Meanwhile, there are bikini women left over from ONE MILLION YEARS B.C. and the worst and most uncharismatic leads you can possibly imagine.

Pluck out mine eyes and torment me no longer.

[kgbx-988-330954 · 1/10 · 29 May 2011]

Bad acting, bad dialog,bad writing, bad directing, bad special effects, and bad musical score but other than that a good movie. The only saving grace is the queen's scantily clad Amazon guards. The male soldiers were armor but the ladies do not require much more than a loin cloth. This movie could not make up its mind whether to be soft core porn or a serious film and as a result it was neither. I have seen better acting in porn films as well as better plots. And what is with those fake British accents?

I cannot believe that someone had $200 million dollars just laying around that needed to be spent on this dog of a movie. Surely there are more worthy causes that could benefit from this money. Scholarships for clown college perhaps?

Seriously? OMG!

[greyeagle52 · 2/10 · 11 August 2016]

My first thoughts were shock at how clean the common folk clothes were: bright, clean...supposedly peasants! A descendant of a king gets beheaded. A prophecy is revealed his son will avenge his father. His son is thrown in the King's dungeon.

The king does nothing throughout the whole movie but sit on his throne surrounded by beautiful women in skimpy outfits. He has a jester telling horrible jokes, grimacing and finally getting killed by the king for his poor jokes.

The young boy to be king journey's through a forest and...there were serious spots in the movie but so unbelievable as to be comical on the lowest level. I watched the whole thing wondering how this was going to conclude. Instead of a final impressive battle we only get ...you'll have to see...the budget must have been a tad less than 5 bucks! Geeze! this movie was bad! LOL

One dollar to much

[ichirou1989 · 1/10 · 30 October 2010]

I just finish watching this awful awful movie, and I must say, I want the hour and a half of my life back. I have seen some awful movies in my life time but this takes the cake, I personally saw this movie because red box had nothing else, and even one dollar was to much to pay for this movie. The movie begins watching a bunch of samirian's walking through the woods which they were sentenced to do for life, and most of them were extremely well dressed for people walking the woods for years, some with perfectly clean white shirts. It looked like they rounded up people at the renaissance fair and asked them to pose for a camera. the soldier's armor was all exactly the same and clean, even the weapons for every character were the same as if they ordered everything whole sale, these characters looked so unrealistic for the time era they were posing for, the make up on the deformed characters looked like they were wearing a cheep Halloween mask. the only good actor was the king but they did not nearly give him enough camera time, one character looked like a yoda wana be, and the only part worth my money was seeing the eye candy in the water half naked. Honestly 2 million dollars to pay for this movie is a joke, it felt like a budgeted porno film, I was waiting for the tacky music to turn on and the green midget to rip his robes off and start humping the princess. if you want to waist the plot left a lot to be desired and nothing in the movie made sense, they showed scenes at points were it should not of been and no one cared about, the one thing that brought me to this movie was the poster and the title which lead me to believe it was a high resolution mythology movie, but really its a bunch of geeks that made something maybe only worthy of youtube. I rate this a 1 and if I could a -10, nothing is worse than this movie, i would go to the point to sue for my one measly dollar back to help prevent this company from making any more movies like this one you have been warned, do not see this movie!

A Class-A Stinker for All Time

[carmi47-1 · 1/10 · 21 March 2011]

This alleged film is nothing less than a crime against humanity, an insult to the collective intelligence of the human race. At least I was able to watch it at no cost, as it's presently on the free movies feature from Comcast, at least in my city.

In an attempt to explain why this atrocity was ever put on film, I can only offer a few suggestions: 1) The supposed studio behind the film needed a tax deduction and made a film that was sure to lose them a bundle. That at least would explain the absurd claim of a $2 million budget. 2) Billy Zane needed some quick scratch to pay a traffic fine. 3) Billy Zane's career has tanked. 4) Billy Zane really ticked off somebody in Hollywood and this is the only work he can get nowadays. 4) Somebody had to grind out a film to graduate from a course at one of those basement tech schools.

This film features absurdly crisp, shiny new costumes on people who have supposedly been trekking through the woods nonstop for decades, never allowed to stop walking. If you look carefully at the end credits, you will see that most of the evil king's guards keep their helmets on b/c they play other roles, so we mustn't see their faces. Note too that about 90% of this nonsense was shot outdoors (otherwise known as free scenery). I thought the only convincing performance in the film was a blind fortuneteller, who mercifully won't suffer serious professional damage as she's on screen for all of 3 minutes.

You might also note that the cast of another recent Zane epic,"Darfur," overlaps considerably with that of "Promethea." I have not seen Darfur and as of right now, have no intention of doing so. Neither should you.

For the first time, Plan 9 from Outer Space has a serious rival for the distinction of Worst Film Ever Made.

Nauseating Nonsense

[jasminetanner2 · 1/10 · 12 August 2014]

This movie is so thoroughly ridiculous that you all need to be forewarned. I never ever leave a movie/ book without finishing it, but this thing that faintly resembles a movie is a complete waste of time. I made myself watch about 25 minutes of it and gave up. What was Billy Zane thinking? Has he taken up crack? It's the only explanation for this movie. It's about as good as home movies that live action role players make, you know the really nerdy ones that like a lot of swords, boobs and little plot. I sat through Sharknado - that movie is the kind of absurd that can be absorbed as pure comedy, but this... this makes that look like an Oscar nominee. My advice: just don't do it to yourself.

Nothing good here at all

[rebecca-bradeen · 2/10 · 3 July 2012]

It was rather amazing how bad this was. It starts with a little set up of the prophecy and then you watch three groups of people wander around in the forest badly delivering poorly written and sometime completely nonsensical lines and then getting into poorly choreographed and boring sword fights. Add to that a thin unoriginal plot, some really bad affects and costumes that look like they were cobbled together from what they could find in their closets and you have something not worth watching. The quality of the acting, writing and film itself suggest that a bunch of friends walked into the local woods with a video camera. Billy Zane tried but he had nothing at all to work with.

DR. WHO DOES MIDDLE EARTH

[nogodnomasters · 2/10 · 13 May 2018]

There are positives in this movie. The scenery at times is good. The women are all pretty, and for the most part show a lot of leg. The story is based on the classic cosmic myth that is the basis for many religions. There is an evil king (Orion) who is counseled by wise men (belt of Orion) about a child who will usurp the king (coma).The king has a slaughter of the innocents (Eridanus @ Rigel) and there is a maiden (Virgo). Add to that the legend of Excalibur and I think you get the general plot of the story.

The script is bad. The acting is bad. The costumes are very bad. The armor worn by the knights does not cover their arms and legs. The knights who wear the armor walk around all the time with their helmet visors down. The movie made use of eerie "special effect" contact lenses, voice enhancers and cheap rubber masks. The guy who is the "chosen one" is supposed to lead the battle against the king, but he can't fight a lick. He takes fighting lessons during a music montage that includes a belly dancer. His brother who is a fighter is in prison. What was the midget in the costume with three fingers supposed to be?

The cover on the DVD looks like this would be a great epic action adventure such as Conan. Don't be fooled. This would make for a great MST movie. You might want to watch it stoned and have a good laugh. Talking and cell phones are permitted during the movie.

Not very good, really low budget.

[silverkelt · 2/10 · 18 December 2017]

While you can get away with low budget movies, trying to do so with a cast this large, produced a very bad result. Hackney scripting, acting and story telling. Bad props, terrible makeup, horrible voice effects.

I do not blame anyone really, when you try to do a fantasy epic on 2 million dollars, Boom, this is your end result. This is ok for say, some friends who got together and did a fantasy movie, for almost zero dollars spent (because in reality 2 million for something of this scope is nearer to Zero dollars then not. )

Not good, not worth your time watching really.

Compare and Contrast this with something like Saga, Curse of the Shadow ..

That was "low" budget done right, I am sure its budget was bigger then this, but still, it was done right.