The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien (TV Series)

Norm Macdonald/Thomas Haden Church/Pitbull (2009)

Conan O'Brien: Self - Host

Photos 

Quotes 

• Norm MacDonald : [re-telling a joke that his chauffeur told him]  A moth goes into a podiatrist's office, and, uh, the podiatrist's office says, "What's the problem?" And the moth says "What's the problem? Where do I begin, man?" He goes, "I go to work for, uh, Gregory Illinivich, and uh, all day long, I work.

  [audience chuckles] 

  Norm MacDonald : Honestly doc, I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I don't even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness. But I don't know, I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and there." And the podiatrist says, "Oh yeah?" And the moth goes, "Yes." And he goes, "Uh, at night I... I sometimes wake up and I turn to some old lady in my bed that's on my arm. A lady that I once loved, doc. I don't know where to turn to. My youngest, Alexendria, she fell in the... in the cold of last year. The cold took her down, as it did many of us. And my other boy...

  [audience laughter] 

  Norm MacDonald : and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc. My other boy, Gregarro Ivinalititavitch... I no longer love him. As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice that I... that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror. If only the cowardice was stronger then perhaps... perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for all."

  Conan O'Brien : How long a drive WAS this?

  [audience laughter] 

  Conan O'Brien : Do you live in the Valley? Please. Sorry.

  Norm MacDonald : He says, "Doc..."

  [audience laughter] 

  Norm MacDonald : "sometimes I feel like a spider, even though I'm a moth, just barely hanging on to my web with an everlasting fire underneath me. I'm not feeling good." And so the moth- the doctor says, "Moth, man, you're troubled. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come here?" And then the moth said, "'Cause the light was on."

  [audience cheers/applause] 

  Conan O'Brien : [laughs]  Oh my God... my congratulations to anyone who stuck it through to the end. So... so Norm...

  Norm MacDonald : What?

  Conan O'Brien : [chuckles]  We're pretty much out of time.