- Bart Simpson: Dad, Lisa's making me see both sides again!
- Homer Simpson: Lisa, what did I tell you about that?
- Lisa Simpson: But dad, shouldn't Bart see both sides to make an informed decision?
- Homer Simpson: Well... But... Aw, now you've got me doing it!
- Homer Simpson: What kind of place is this? There are no snack standees, no soda standees, no standees of any kind!
- Marge Simpson: From now on, this family is eating food that looks bad on the shelf and looks good on your colon.
- Homer Simpson: Why is that guy with a purse?
- Lisa Simpson: That's a reusable grocery bag. This market doesn't use plastic bags because they end up on the oceans and interfere with jellyfish mating habits.
- Homer Simpson: Stupid horny jellyfish neutering our dudes.
- Krusty: As my newest personal assistant, it's your job to drive me to work and avoid anyone I've wronged on the way. There's one now! Former writing partner! Ex-wife! Dog I abandoned! Bookie! AA sponsor!
- Homer Simpson: [after catching Marge with his stash of junk food] Marge, I've never seen this side of you: me.
- Milhouse Van Houten: Which prank shall we open with?
- Bart Simpson: The exploding pen.
- Milhouse Van Houten: I'm not familiar with that one.
- [Pen explodes on Milhouse's face]
- Bart Simpson: Let the games begin.
- Principal Skinner: Bart Simpson, that is a reconstructed Yugoslavian engine. There is no longer a Yugoslavia.
- Bart Simpson: Milhouse, I just learned that there was a prankster in this school bigger than me.
- Milhouse Van Houten: Wow! Imagine his sidekick.
- [Imagines a giant nerd rampaging through a city, pausing to breathe through an inhaler]
- Milhouse Van Houten: If he ever lost that giant inhaler, he'll have to hear from his parents.
- Bart Simpson: It is an honor to meet the guy who wormed Skinner.
- Andy Hamilton: Thanks. Back then, there was no YouTube. It was local news or nothing. Chips?
- [Offers Bart a can of chips]
- Bart Simpson: Wait a minute. Are there fake snakes in here?
- Andy Hamilton: Give me some credit, man.
- [Bart opens can, a cobra pops out]
- Andy Hamilton: That's a real snake. Don't worry, it's defanged.
- [Cobra bites Milhouse]
- Andy Hamilton: Although he can rub venom from his gums. I'd wash that arm if I were you.
- Krusty: Kid, what are you doing? You're ruining the bit!
- Bart Simpson: No! I will not let you become a bitter, twisted monster like Principal Skinner.
- Principal Skinner: [Watching on TV] Watch the Krusty Show, they tell me. It'll help you relax, they tell me.