Psych (TV Series)

The Head, the Tail, the Whole Damn Episode (2010)

Dulé Hill: Burton Guster

Quotes 

• Shawn Spencer : You saw the knife wound, did you not?

  Carlton Lassiter : It looked like a knife wound and I've regretted ever since I've said it.

  Shawn Spencer : No! Don't regret it. Don't you see? This should be the best moment of your life! You should- you should feel liberated! In your guts! Because you're following your guts! You found the piece that didn't fit, and even though you didn't know how it fits, you announced it to the world anyway.

  Carlton Lassiter : Spencer, one loose end doesn't make it foul play.

  Shawn Spencer : It doesn't?

  Burton 'Gus' Guster : How do you think we've stayed in business these last four years?

  Shawn Spencer : But what if it does? Lassie, we're comrades now. I do this all the time, I can walk you through this. This is just the weird part of the spit-out-a-crazy-theory process. You say it! Everyone thinks you're crazy, you're incompetent, you should probably color your sideburns

  [everyone looks at Lassiter's sideburns; Juliet nods] 

  Shawn Spencer : We're one in the same. We're Shassie now. We're Sharlton. We're Spenssiter.

  Carlton Lassiter : Oh my god.

• Shawn Spencer : [Addressing a group of fishermen to find someone to take them out to sea]  I'm a psychic, Jack. Check your papers - not the front, page five and further back, sometimes the personals, but believe me, it's all there. We remember Shabby, don't we? Shabby, the sea lion. Well, I tracked him to the sea, found out where the poor fellow was murdered, in the entire ocean, the exact spot. Tell 'em, Gus.

  Burton 'Gus' Guster : I'd rather not.

  Shawn Spencer : Know what else? I found an abandoned boat, at sea, at night. I have keen senses, my senses are very keen. You know what, I'm gonna lay out my history for you people and by the end of it, you're all gonna be begging for my services, okay? Four months ago, a man walks into our offices, says "Help me, I'm a Lycan." Gus is like "You're made out of seaweed?" I said, "No, no, Gus, he's a werewolf."

  [Time passes] 

  Shawn Spencer : We dressed up like civil war people and Gus looked like Denzel Washington in "Glory" and some guy built a tunnel...

  [Time passes] 

  Shawn Spencer : Some chick got hit in the head with a tennis trophy - you know what, screw that case...

  [Time passes] 

  Shawn Spencer : I looked at my partner, it was like looking at a child lost in a shopping mall. Luckily, I'd solved the case. The football players were protecting their bonuses and that is why they left the disembodied foot on the path in the forest.

  Burton 'Gus' Guster : That's not why they did it.

  Shawn Spencer : Yeah, well that one still confuses me. The point is, that is but twenty of my many, many cases that I have solved. You can read the book when I learn how to type.

  [There is one man left in the audience] 

  Shawn Spencer : Sir, the fact that you haven't left tells me you're not afraid of my gift and are ready to use it to catch this shark. Think we have ourselves a boat.

• Henry Spencer : [referring to Lassiter]  Wait a second, are you working with Detective Dipstick on this?

  Burton 'Gus' Guster : You're calling him that too?

  Henry Spencer : I tried not to. It just rolls right off the tongue.

• Shawn Spencer : [to Lassiter, about him announcing the victim was murdered]  I honestly think you're on the right track. If you hadn't had McNab stop us, we probably would have made the same guess.

  Burton 'Gus' Guster : I probably would have guessed ape attack.

  Shawn Spencer : Gus, it's never, ever, ape attack.

  Burton 'Gus' Guster : Oh, it will be, mark my words.

• Juliet O'Hara : I can't believe I'm supporting this, but I have managed to secure a police boat.

  Shawn Spencer : Sweet. We can put our heads together, two mismatched partners on a harebrained adventure.

  Carlton Lassiter : Spencer, I want nothing to do with you. We are not compadres, we are not partners, we are not nothing.

  Shawn Spencer : Are we at least amigos?

  Burton 'Gus' Guster : Homeboys?

  Shawn Spencer : Platonic soul mates?

• Shawn Spencer : Are we gonna get to sing sea shanties, or any other kind of shanties? Do you have Dramamine, or should I just bring my own? Oh, Gus wants to know if you have cable on your boat 'cause it's the season finale of "Leverage" and his TiVo is on the fritz.

  William Tanner : You're job is to shut up.

  Shawn Spencer : Okay, that's good, that's easy. I was worried I would draw swabbing the decks which is a lot more difficult than remaining quiet.

  Burton 'Gus' Guster : You're failing at your job right now.

  Shawn Spencer : Says you.

  Burton 'Gus' Guster : Says the definition of shut up.

• Carlton Lassiter : Well I feared it would be a Spencer that got to that shark before me, I just can't believe it turned out to be the other one.

  Shawn Spencer : I think I should be offended. Gus?

  Burton 'Gus' Guster : Compliment to you, insult to your dad.

  [to Lassiter] 

  Burton 'Gus' Guster : Well executed, two fisted.

  Shawn Spencer : Nice Lassie.