- Will Schuester: All right, who can tell me who Christopher Cross is?
- Brittany Pierce: He discovered America.
- Rachel Berry: I'd like to dedicate this song to my boyfriend, Finn. I was wrong. I shouldn't try to control you. I just... I've never been this happy before, and I realize that I was trying to hold on to how you were making me feel so much that I was strangling you in my hands like a little bird. I get now that in order for this relationship to work that I have to open up my hands to fly free.
- Brittany Pierce: Finn can fly?
- Sue Sylvester: You know, William, that's what one Hubert Humphrey said back in 1968 at the start of the Democratic National Convention. But then hippies put acid in everyone's bourbon, and when an updraft revealed Lady Bird Johnson's tramp stamp, and tattoos above her ovaries, Mayor Richard J. Daley became so incensed with sexual rage that he punched his own wife in the face, and spent the next hour screaming 'sex party' into the microphones of all three major networks.
- Will Schuester: Okay, I'm pretty sure none of that happened.
- Sue Sylvester: You can expect a call very soon from my lawyer, Gloria Allred. I'm gonna sue the pants off you, Will. I'm gonna take your house, your car, your extensive collection of vests. I mean, seriously, you wear more vests than the cast of Blossom. I'll see you in court.
- Finn Hudson: [pulls a U.S. History book out of his locker] U.S. History? Crap. I forgot I was taking that.
- Emma Pillsbury: Did you ever notice that Britney Spears only makes great music when she's not chasing down paparazzi? She can't just swallow a grenade and let her talent explode all over the walls. She's gotta reign it in. Just like you do. You're such a great teacher, Will. Now, probably the best in the whole school. So why would you wanna be someone else when that someone you already are is so amazing?
- Will Schuester: Because the boring someone that I already am wasn't good enough for you.
- Dr. Carl Howell: Rachel, wake up. You Glee kids are impossible to work on. You're always moving around when you're under.
- Rachel Berry: [groggy from the anesthesia] Is this real life?
- Sue Sylvester: William, I realize you're still mourning the loss of that bony redheaded hominid you're in love with. I understand that. I also understand that you bought a brand new car to impress her. You're flailing, William. Now, I'm secretly hoping it's a mid-life crisis, which means you're halfway to an early death, affording me a blissful, demented convalescence spent peeing on your grave.
- Will Schuester: What's your point, Sue?
- Sue Sylvester: Don't let your own recklessness blind you to the fact that Britney Spears is a genius pop culture provocateur and a gateway drug to every out-of-control impulse ever created. This school is a powder keg of sexual deviance, William, and in my office, I have a chair with a naked butt sweat stain to prove it. I'm not kidding. It's like an inkblot test, that butt sweat stain. Stare into it, William, and you will see the light of all that is good go out of the world.
- Will Schuester: Now, some people think of the term "easy listening" as a bad thing. But I'm going to let this music speak for itself. You guys love Lady Gaga and the Rolling Stones, and you guys are really good about putting it all out there. But really good music can also be controlled and restrained. It doesn't have to attack an audience; it can let them come to you.
- Finn Hudson: [reading the sheet music] How could get you caught between the moon and New York City? They're, like, a hundred miles apart.
- Kurt Hummel: I think I speak for all of us when I say that it's not that we don't love the idea of spending a week on this silky smooth Adult Contemporary, it's just that, as teens, this isn't the easiest music for us to relate to. However, there is a burgeoning Facebook campaign that has swelled to over five members. The ardent demand: that this week, at the fall homecoming assembly, the McKinley High School Glee Club perform a number by - wait for it - Ms. Britney Spears.
- Artie Abrams: Yo, Spears. Spears, yeah.
- [the glee kids all mutter agreement]
- Will Schuester: Sorry, Kurt. Kurt, sorry. No, no, no. I... I don't think she's a very good role model.
- Brittany Pierce: I don't want to do Britney.
- Kurt Hummel: Why no Britney, Brittany?
- Brittany Pierce: Because my name is also Brittany Spears.
- [everyone looks at her, confused]
- Will Schuester: What?
- Mercedes Jones: What the hell is she talking about?
- Brittany Pierce: My middle name is Susan, my last name is Pierce. That makes me Brittany S. Pierce. "Brittany Spierce". I've lived my entire life in Britney Spears' shadow. I will never be as talented or as famous. I hope you'll all respect that I want Glee Club to remain a place where I, Brittany S. Pierce, can escape the torment of Britney Spears.
- Will Schuester: Well, there you have it, guys. It's been decided. No Britney. Sorry.
- Kurt Hummel: Thanks, Britt. Thanks a lot.
- Santana Lopez: Leave Brittany alone.
- Brittany Pierce: Thank you for understanding. It's been a hard road.
- Emma Pillsbury: I know that Britney's had some issues in the past, but I actually think it's quite admirable the way she's gotten her life back together. I mean, hasn't she had what, like, three number one hits in the past two years? She's a single mom raising two kids. I think she's the perfect symbol for the possibility of rebirth.
- Will Schuester: I can't...
- Emma Pillsbury: See, that's your problem, Will. You're too uptight.
- Will Schuester: Oh, you're calling me uptight?
- Emma Pillsbury: Mm-hmm.
- Will Schuester: The woman who buys hand sanitizer by the barrel?
- Dr. Carl Howell: Hey, now. Am I interrupting?
- Emma Pillsbury: Carl, no. Hi. What are you doing here?
- Dr. Carl Howell: I thought I'd surprise you and take you to lunch.
- [seeing her expression]
- Dr. Carl Howell: Oh, I love that look of instant panic every time I try to change your routine. Adorable.
- Dr. Carl Howell: Will, you grind your teeth?
- Will Schuester: I... I don't think so.
- Dr. Carl Howell: [his phone buzzes] Damn it.
- Emma Pillsbury: What? What's wrong?
- Dr. Carl Howell: Another teenager needs a root canal. I swear, not one student in this school is going to have their teeth by the time they're 30.
- Finn Hudson: [seeing Rachel with a mouthful of blue teeth] Ahh!
- Kurt Hummel: Oh, my god!
- Rachel Berry: What?
- [taking a compact from her purse, she looks at her reflection and covers her mouth in embarrassment]
- Rachel Berry: Ah! I don't understand. I floss between classes.
- Dr. Carl Howell: Well, sometimes it's genetics.
- Artie Abrams: [with his own mouth of blue teeth] I think I might be better at brushing and flossing if I could see myself in the mirror.
- Santana Lopez: There you go, blue tooth.
- Brittany Pierce: [sporting blue teeth, too] I don't brush my teeth. I rinse my mouth out with soda after I eat. I was pretty sure Dr. Pepper was a dentist.
- Santana Lopez: Well, Rachel, congratulations. Normally, you dress like the fantasy of a perverted Japanese businessman with a very dark, specific fetish, but I actually dig this look. Yay.
- Rachel Berry: Thank you.
- Kurt Hummel: I think what Santana is trying to say, Rachel, though I risk expulsion by saying so, is that it seems Britney Spears has really helped you blossom. That's all.
- Will Schuester: Wait. Rachel, is that true? I mean, you are sort of dressing differently.
- Artie Abrams: Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy...
- Finn Hudson: [wanting him to stop] Hey, hey.
- Rachel Berry: Look, all I know is that I had a very vivid Britney Spears fantasy at the dentist, and since then, it's made me feel free to get out of my own way. I think I've just always been afraid to dress like a pretty girl because I've never really felt like one before.
- Azimio: [accosting Finn at his locker] Gimme this jacket!
- Finn Hudson: Hey, give me that back! I earned that!
- Azimio: This jacket belongs to people who are actually on the team. But you know what? We're going to restyle it to represent the obvious duality in your sexuality.
- [he and Karofksy both take a sleeve and rip the jacket in half; in a fit of rage, Finn takes a swing at him]
- Azimio: [ducking] Oh, you're trying to swing at me?
- Karofsky: Swing, huh?
- Azimio: Come on, swing at me.
- Karofsky: Come on.
- Azimio: Come on! Come on, let's go!
- Artie Abrams: [entering] Sorry to interrupt. I'm actually glad you're here to see this. Finn, I just wanted to apologize for getting you kicked off the football team. I just hope there's no hard feelings.
- [for show, he and Finn shake hands]
- Artie Abrams: So, what are you guys talking about?
- Karofsky: Dude, take him.
- Azimio: This wheelchair kid is in the way, man. What if I knock him over or something?
- Karofsky: There's something not right about hitting a kid in a wheelchair.
- Azimio: [to Finn] You know, the only thing that's saving you right now is my moral code. I don't hit crippled people. But I'll be back. We'll be back.
- Dr. Carl Howell: All right, so here's the deal. You chew this little capsule. Now, if there's any plaque you missed, the dye will stick to it and turn your teeth blue.
- Santana Lopez: Can I just say that you are the hottest dentist I've ever seen?
- Dr. Carl Howell: I get that all the time.
- Santana Lopez: No, like, seriously. You can totally drill me whenever...
- Emma Pillsbury: [interrupting] Santana. Okay, let's stay focused.
- Brittany Pierce: This room looks like the one on that spaceship where I got probed.
- Dr. Carl Howell: So, Brittany, you, uh... you have the worst teeth I've ever seen. You have cavities in every single tooth. This has got to be some sort of record.
- Brittany Pierce: Please don't pull all my teeth. My smile will look like an adult baby butt with boobs.
- Dr. Carl Howell: All right, I'm gonna put you under with a little general anestesia. You won't feel a thing.
- Brittany Pierce: Like roofies?
- Dr. Carl Howell: Brittany, wake up. All right, you're going to feel a little nauseous.
- Brittany Pierce: [loopy from the anesthesia and her Britney Spears fantasy] I petted a snake.
- Dr. Carl Howell: [with an amused smile] Mm. Rock on. I'm going to have to see you tomorrow. You have sixty-eight cavities. I couldn't get 'em all today.
- Brittany Pierce: Can I have a... a blue toothbrush?
- Dr. Carl Howell: I'll give you a hundred toothbrushes.
- Brittany Pierce: Okay. Are you a cat?
- Rachel Berry: Hey, you all right? You seem a little down. Didn't you like the banana bread I baked you?
- Finn Hudson: Yeah, it was awesome. It's just... how do you feel about me not being on the football team anymore?
- Rachel Berry: I'm actually kind of happy about it. That I don't have to fantasize about what song I'd sing at your bedside if you were in a coma.
- Finn Hudson: Yeah. I'm just so not cool now, you know?
- Rachel Berry: Well, it's just less of a chance of you running off with some cheerleader.
- Finn Hudson: Wait, so you want me to feel bad about myself?
- Rachel Berry: No, I just... I want to be the only thing that makes you feel good.
- [seeing his expression]
- Rachel Berry: I'm just trying to be honest.
- Santana Lopez: [passing by Rachel with Brittany] Hey, dwarf, anyone ever tell you that you dress like one of the bait girls on "To Catch a Predator"?
- Brittany Pierce: Also, I'm more talented than you.
- Rachel Berry: [Finn snickers] You could have defended me.
- Finn Hudson: [throwing it back in her face] Well, Santana has a point. Just trying to be honest.
- Dr. Carl Howell: So, Santana, I'm looking at your charts and your x-rays. Your teeth are perfect.
- Santana Lopez: That's right.
- Dr. Carl Howell: Well, I can't just put you under. Anesthesia isn't something to joke about. It's serious.
- Santana Lopez: Okay, listen, my dad's a doctor. And not a "tooth doctor", a real one. He, like, went to college or something. Which means I have a killer health care plan that pretty much pays for everything. So get up in my grill, 'cause Britts and I wants to get our anesthesia on.
- Brittany Pierce: That's totally cool.
- Dr. Carl Howell: Hmm. Okay, I guess I can give you a super strong bleaching.
- Santana Lopez: Hmm.
- Dr. Carl Howell: Can I turn the radio on?
- Santana Lopez, Brittany Pierce: [putting their iPod earbuds in their ears] We've got it covered.
- Brittany Pierce: I would just like to say that from now on, I demand to have every solo in Glee Club.
- Will Schuester: What?
- Brittany Pierce: When I had my teeth cleaned, I had the most amazing Britney Spears fantasy. I sang and danced better than her. Now I realize what a powerful woman I truly am.
- Santana Lopez: I went with her, and I had a Britney fantasy, too. Although now that I'm thinking about it, I'm not really sure how our fantasies combined.
- Kurt Hummel: You see, Mr. Schue? I told you. Britney Spears busted our Brit out of her everyday, fragmented haze of confusion and gave her the confidence to step up and perform.
- Brittany Pierce: I'm more talented than all of you. I see that clearly now. It's Brittany, bitch.
- Will Schuester: Guys, we're not doing Britney Spears, and that's that.
- Kurt Hummel: Mr. Schue, you're letting your own personal issues get in the way of something that we are all telling you we really want to do. I mean, this club regularly pays tribute to pop culture, and Britney Spears *is* pop culture! To suggest otherwise is heretical!
- Will Schuester: Kurt! I'm done talking about this!
- Kurt Hummel: Jeez! Let loose a little, would you? Stop being so frickin' uptight all the time!
- [shocked silence]
- Will Schuester: Kurt... I'll see you in the principal's office.
- Will Schuester: [at Carl's dentist office] Hey, Rachel.
- Rachel Berry: Hey, Mr. Schue.
- Will Schuester: You all set? You need me to stay with you or anything?
- Rachel Berry: No. I've been taking herbal anti-anxiety pills and reading "The Unauthorized Biography of Britney Spears" to stay calm. I look forward to the day the paparazzi provokes me and I attack them.
- Finn Hudson: [seeing Rachel dressed in Britney Spears' "... Baby One More Time" schoolgirl outfit] Hey, take my hoodie. You look cold.
- Rachel Berry: It's okay, I'm... wait, you mean you don't like my new look?
- Finn Hudson: Don't you think it's a bit much? I mean, I think that guy just broke up with his girlfriend over there just so he could stare at you.
- Rachel Berry: I'm just doing what you told me. Besides, it's not like when I went all sad clown hooker and put on that ridiculous "Grease" catsuit. This is just like my regular look with the volume turned up.
- Azimio: Ooh, baby, you can hit me as many times as you want as long as you got that on!
- Karofsky: How come all the gay guys always get the hottest chicks?
- Finn Hudson: You see what I'm talking about? They're personifying you.
- Rachel Berry: Objectifying.
- Finn Hudson: Whatever! Just tell me why it's okay for you to feel safer with me not on the football team, but it... it's not okay for me to feel safer with you in your old reindeer sweater?
- Rachel Berry: Look, I see your point. In order for this relationship to work, we can't control each other. So you have my blessing to rejoin the football team, if you can.
- Brittany Pierce: [nearby, rubbing Jacob Ben Israel's "Jewfro"] It looks like a Jewish cloud.
- Jacob Ben Israel: [approaching Finn as Rachel leaves] What do you want for her? I'll give you anything. I'll give you my house. I'll kill my parents and I'll give you my house.
- [Finn groans and leaves]
- Jacob Ben Israel: [looking at Rachel lustfully] Wanky, wanky!
- Will Schuester: You have got to be kidding me.
- Sue Sylvester: I was headed to the library computers late last night to score my Cheerios some cheap tickets on one of those off-brand airlines with shoddy safety records; you know, to fly my JV squad, so if the plane did go down, well, it wouldn't be that big of a deal. But then... *horror*!
- [flashback; in the library, Sue comes across a naked Jacob Ben Israel webcamming with an unseen Rachel]
- Jacob Ben Israel: Rachel, are you aware you've never been hotter than you are right now dressed as Britney Spears?
- Rachel Berry: Thank you.
- [cut to Sue's office]
- Jacob Ben Israel: Can I put some clothes on, please?
- Sue Sylvester: No. I want you to feel the beads of your own sweaty, depraved stank dripping down your butt crack.
- Jacob Ben Israel: Rachel Berry was dressing like Britney Spears, and I was... titillated.
- Sue Sylvester: Oh, dear god, please don't ever say that word again.
- Jacob Ben Israel: Can I go now, please? And you're gonna have to turn around when I stand up, if you know what I mean.
- Quinn Fabray: I was pretty sure Artie's legs don't work.
- Brittany Pierce: Did you get a leg transplant?
- Artie Abrams: Nope. My teammates can push my chair like a battering ram.
- Finn Hudson: Yeah, there's no rules against it. We checked.
- Artie Abrams: And I have Britney Spears to thank.
- Brittany Pierce: You're welcome.
- Artie Abrams: Britney plus nitrous gave me an amazing idea, and it gave me the nerve to tell Coach Beiste that Finn and I both really want to be on the team.
- Rachel Berry: Wait. You're back on the football team?
- Finn Hudson: Yeah.
- Santana Lopez: Suddenly, you're way hotter to me. Weird.
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: Wait. I don't get it. How come everyone's having Britney Spears fantasies?
- Artie Abrams: The nitrous oxide dentists use is a mild hallucinogen. Studies have proven that it induces vivid dreams, often the last thing the patient thinks of. The subconscious moves to the forefront. Since we've all been thinking so much about Britney, it only stands to reason.
- Rachel Berry: I always thought the boys' locker room would be all sexy, but actually, it smells like feet in here.
- Finn Hudson: You changed back to your old clothes.
- Rachel Berry: I just want you to know that I heard everything that you said and that I respect your needs, and I'll do anything to make you feel safe and happy.
- Finn Hudson: Cool. Well, thanks. I gotta go.
- Rachel Berry: Wait. I mean... d-don't you want to make me feel safe and happy, too?
- Finn Hudson: Well, yeah. Yeah, sure. Wait. Wait. Do you want me to quit football?
- Rachel Berry: Look, how am I supposed to trust that you're not just going to stray again? All right, remember your little fling with Brittany and Santana? I do... all right? Let... let's face it, Finn... the only way that this relationship is going to work is if we're both losers.
- Finn Hudson: [holding her to comfort her] Okay. Come here. This is how it's gonna happen. I'm gonna be quarterback again, then I'm going to throw a touchdown in our first game, and then point to you in the stands so that everybody in the school knows you're my girlfriend. All right?
- Rachel Berry: That's very romantic, but... I don't know.
- Finn Hudson: Rachel, you can't ask me to choose between you and football.
- Rachel Berry: Well, I am.
- Becky Jackson: The glee club's doing Britney Spears for the assembly. I just found out.
- Sue Sylvester: Becky, you're on red alert. If you see any awkward teenage frottage, you perform that citizen's arrest we practiced.
- Principal Figgins: Quiet, please, children. Quiet now. First, students who ate the ravioli today and are not up to date on their tetanus shots should see the nurse immediately. Welcome to our homecoming pep assembly. Because of last week's grisly train derailment, the dulcimer club is on hiatus until further notice. But do we ever have a treat for you. Fresh off their last place finish at the regionals, please give it up for the New Directions!
- Quinn Fabray: Congrats, Finn. You're back on the team, I'm head cheerleader again. Some kind of symmetry, don't you think? With all the nastiness between you and I behind us, I think we should be together. We'd be a shoo-in for homecoming king and queen. So what do you say? You and me, 8:00, Breadstix?
- Finn Hudson: Look, I'd be lying if I said I didn't have feelings for you. Probably always will. But I'm not gonna get back together with you. There's someone else, and you know who that is. I'm asking you to respect that. I'm sorry.
- [as he leaves, she walks down the hall and approaches Rachel, who has been watching nearby]
- Quinn Fabray: I said what you wanted me to, he shot me down. So congrats. Looks like he really loves you.