- Brittany Pierce: I was going to order us one really, really long piece of spaghetti like in 'Lady and Tramp.' And I've been practicing nudging meatballs across the table with my nose.
- Rachel Berry: I'm not really a nice person. I'm selfish. The fact is, I'm only really generous if there's something in it for me.
- Finn Hudson: Yeah, but I still like you.
- Rachel Berry: But you, you're so... kind, and open. Well, it's made me wanna be a better person. We have to throw the competition.
- Finn Hudson: I love Breadstix.
- Rachel Berry: No, if we wanna win at Nationals, then Sam has to win this contest. Okay? He has to feel like he belongs and the team has to believe in him.
- Finn Hudson: Wow, Rachel... I've never seen you like this. I'm kind of impressed.
- Rachel Berry: Well, like I said, you inspired me.
- Finn Hudson: But technically, you're doing this because it'll help us win Nationals, which means there's something in it for you, so it doesn't really count as you doing something nice.
- Kurt Hummel: [whispers] Psst... He's on Team Gay. No straight boy dyes his hair to look like Linda Evangelista circa 1993.
- Mercedes Jones: You're crazy, circa 2010.
- Rachel Berry: Hey, I had something I wanted to talk to you about.
- Kurt Hummel: Oh, please not another pregnancy.
- Rachel Berry: I... I think that you and I are a little bit more similar than you think.
- Kurt Hummel: That's a terrible thing to say.
- Rachel Berry: I know you're lonely. I can't even imagine how hard it must be to have feelings in high school that you can't act on for fear of being humilated, ridiculed, or worse. We're going to win Nationals this year, and you know how we're going to do that? Because we have you.
- Kurt Hummel: That's true.
- Rachel Berry: That's twelve people who love you just for being exactly the way that you are. Look, I know you're lonely, but... you're not alone. So, I was wondering if you would maybe want to sing a duet with me. I think you'll be really happy with my song selection. It's sort of everything that both you and I love.
- Kurt Hummel: But the, uh, duet competition is over.
- Rachel Berry: I know. I just... I thought this one could be for me and you.
- Sam Evans: It must be hard. I think if I went through what you went through last year, I would have transferred to a school on the moon or something, out of embarrassment. Okay, that... that didn't come out right. I mean you're really brave to come back like you have. I don't judge you or anything. I know what it's like to have a... secret that you're ashamed of.
- Quinn Fabray: Oh, holy crap. So you... so you are gay?
- Sam Evans: What? No. Not at all. When I found out I was moving here, I wanted to seem cool, you know? Figured if I looked like Swayze in "Point Break", people might think I was a surfer or something. I didn't think it through very clearly. So... I put lemon juice in my hair.
- [Quinn snickers]
- Sam Evans: I would have gotten away with it, if it hadn't been for Kurt and his sixth sense.
- Quinn Fabray: I think it looks cute.
- Sam Evans: Really?
- [she puts the free dinner certificate away]
- Sam Evans: What are you doing?
- Quinn Fabray: We're not using that. You're paying.
- Sam Evans: Why?
- Quinn Fabray: Because a gentleman always pays on the first date.
- Artie Abrams: [breaking up with Brittany] You used me for my voice. That's the only reason you had sex with me. I have it on good authority.
- [flashback to him in the cafeteria]
- Santana Lopez: She's using you for your voice. That's the only reason she had sex with you.
- Artie Abrams: Wait. How did you know that?
- Santana Lopez: [tapping a random guy on the shoulder] Hi. Excuse me. Do you know Brittany?
- Random Guy: Cheerios Brittany?
- Santana Lopez: Mm-hmm.
- Random Guy: Yeah. We had sex.
- Santana Lopez: [turning back to Artie] Hmm. Look, I don't mean to be a bitch - well, yeah, actually, I do - but the only thing that you can give Brittany that she can't get from someone else is super choice parking.
- [return to real time]
- Artie Abrams: I know that sex doesn't mean anything to you, but did you ever think how much it means to me? After my accident, we didn't know if I'd ever be able even to do that. And when I found out that I could, it seemed like some kind of miracle, and you just walked all over that. You're not my partner anymore. I told Mr. Schue I'm pulling out of the duet competition.
- Artie Abrams: I'm sorry, I can't do this. I just can't. I'm sorry.
- Brittany Pierce: Uh, why... why can't you do this?
- Artie Abrams: I thought I was over somebody, but I... I still think I have feelings for them.
- Brittany Pierce: The Clintons?
- Artie Abrams: Tina.
- Sam Evans: [about his duet with Quinn] Maybe it's for the best that she backed out. I mean, if that Puckerman kid ever gets out of jail, he's gonna beat my ass. I'm sure you still have feelings for her, too.
- Finn Hudson: Oh, no. No way. I'm with Rachel now. I mean, she's a lot shorter than Quinn and she talks a lot, but I'm in love with her.
- Rachel Berry: This is a disaster.
- Finn Hudson: Could you stop pacing? It's stressing me out.
- Rachel Berry: It's just... being the "it" couple is so much harder than I thought. I... I am so stumped at how to lose this thing.
- Finn Hudson: Wait, I got it. You remember we saw "Grease", and it was good, and then we saw "Grease 2" and I fell asleep, but you said the difference was that the songs...
- Rachel Berry, Finn Hudson: Were bad.
- Rachel Berry: Yeah. If we want to lose, we have to do a song that's bad.
- Finn Hudson: And not just a bad song, an offensive song.
- Rachel Berry: [with a squeal of delight] Yes!
- Kurt Hummel: First course is served. Heart-healthy vegan carrot soup with whole grain croutons, and you'd better eat all of it. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find saffron in this town?
- Burt Hummel: All right, let me eat this at the table. You could make a plaster cast of my ass with the cushions from this couch.
- Kurt Hummel: Absolutely not. I am in charge of your care from now on. You had a serious arrhythmia, dad. The doctors say you need to rest until your stress test.
- Burt Hummel: You're my stress test.
- Burt Hummel: How's school?
- Kurt Hummel: It's fine, I guess. There's this new kid, Sam, in Glee Club. He and I are singing a duet together.
- Burt Hummel: Is that a problem?
- Kurt Hummel: Finn practically begged me not to. He said it'd ruin Sam's reputation.
- Burt Hummel: Well, this kid Sam, uh... you know, does he... he play for your team?
- Kurt Hummel: Undetermined.
- Burt Hummel: Oh. Maybe Finn has a point.
- Kurt Hummel: [incredulous] You're siding with him, after what he called me in our basement?
- Burt Hummel: I was talking to Carole, and you weren't totally honest with me. She told me that you had a crush on Finn and you weren't afraid to show it. Is this true?
- Kurt Hummel: So a gay guy can't be friendly to a straight guy without it being predatory?
- Burt Hummel: You got to understand that most guys don't know how to deal with unwanted advances.
- Kurt Hummel: So you're saying I shouldn't sing with this Sam guy because it might upset a couple homophobes? I thought you said no one pushes the Hummels around.
- Burt Hummel: No one does. I... I'm... I'm not saying that. I... I'm saying that maybe it's you who's pushing this kid Sam around, trying to take advantage of him because you're interested in him.
- Kurt Hummel: Dad, you have no idea what it's like. I am the only openly gay kid at school, in this town. I mean, why can't I walk hand in hand down the hall with a person that I like? Why can't I slow dance at my prom?
- Burt Hummel: Come here.
- [Kurt sits down]
- Burt Hummel: You think I don't want those things for you? I do. You know, until you find somebody as open and as brave as you, you're just gonna have to get used to going it alone.
- Quinn Fabray: [helping Sam after he gets slushied] The blueberry flavor is the worst, especially if it gets down your pants. I looked like a creature out of "Avatar" down there when I got slushied.
- Artie Abrams: So, let me get this straight. You want to be my girlfriend because... you like the idea of... wheeling me around?
- Brittany Pierce: I just really want to get you in a stroller.
- Brittany Pierce: Hi. So, I just want you to know I'm really into you.
- Artie Abrams: Okay. Sorry, I'm... just a little confused. You've never even made eye contact with me.
- Brittany Pierce: I know. For a while, I thought you were a robot.
- Brittany Pierce: [making out with Santana] I love your sweet lady kisses.
- Santana Lopez: Mm-hmm. It's a nice break from all that scissoring.
- Brittany Pierce: We should do a duet together. We should sing Melissa Etheridge's "Come to My Window".
- Santana Lopez: First of all? There's a lot of talking going on, and I wants to get my mack on.
- Brittany Pierce: Well... I don't know, I just... I think we just...
- Santana Lopez: Okay, second of all? I'm not making out with you because I'm in love with you and want to sing about making lady babies. I'm only here because Puck's been in the slammer for about twelve hours now, and I'm like a lizard. I need something warm beneath me or I can't digest my food.
- Mercedes Jones: Why would I want to do a duet with you? We can't stand each other.
- Santana Lopez: Look, Wheezy, I realize I've tried to punch you a couple times, and sometimes, when you're not looking, I put weird things in your food. But it's a new year, and you and I are the best singers at this school.
- Mercedes Jones: I don't get what the big deal is. It's just a free trip to Breadstix.
- Santana Lopez: Um, I'm sorry, have you been to Breadstix? They are legally forbidden to stop bringing you breadsticks. One time I brought a wheelbarrow, and when the manager tried to stop me from filling it up, I called the corporate office and got her fired.
- Mercedes Jones: Well, I guess our voices do sorta go together.
- Santana Lopez: Mm-hmm. That's right, girl! So if we do a duet together, we will be the undisputed top bitches at this school.
- Will Schuester: Sorry I'm late, guys. I was with Principal Figgins. Bad news, guys. Puckerman's in juvie.
- Tina Cohen-Chang: It really was just a matter of time.
- Quinn Fabray: What did he do?
- Will Schuester: He drove his mom's Volvo through the front of a convenience store, and drove off with the ATM.
- Rachel Berry: [the club snickers] A-a-and when is he getting out?
- Will Schuester: Unknown.
- Brittany Pierce: He might be the dumbest person on this planet, and that's coming from me.
- Santana Lopez: [On Kurt not wanting a duet partner] How can you do a duet with yourself? That's like, vocal masturbation, or something.