30 Rock (TV Series)

When It Rains, It Pours (2010)

Alec Baldwin: Jack Donaghy

Quotes 

• Jack Donaghy : My son. You may not remember me. I am your father. This message is coming to you either from beyond the grave or because I am in the grip of insanity. The purpose of these DVDs is to educate and guide you through life in my absence. I will begin with our shared history. The Donaghys originally come from Ireland's little-known County Steve, where, historically, we were whiskey testers and goblins. I was raised in Sadchester, Massachusetts. I won the Amory Blaine Handsomeness Scholarship to Princeton, and then attended Harvard Business School, where I was voted "Most. " I once hit a stand-up triple off Fidel Castro. I was the first person ever to say, "I need a vacation from this vacation. " The song "You're So Vain" was, in fact, written by me. In other words, I have lived. In living, I have learned. And now I want to impart that knowledge to you. I will begin with the basics. You are hiking in the Japanese highlands. A pair of snow leopards is stalking you, and the blade of your katana is frosted into its scabbard...

• Jack Donaghy : My daughter. I am John Francis Donaghy. I am your father. If you have the blondeness and self-esteem of your mother, you will need no advice. Life will be easy for you. Otherwise, I'd like to introduce you to Elizabeth Lemon.

  Liz Lemon : Good afternoon. Let's jump in. Every human has hair on his or her face, some of us just have more. I think it's nice to occasionally splurge on a straight-razor shave. If you're running low on laundry, a bathing suit makes perfectly acceptable underwear. Bandanas are a fun, sexy fashion accessory...

  Jack Donaghy : This is over.

  Liz Lemon : Let me give my reasons.

  [as Jack reaches to turn off camera] 

  Liz Lemon : Put potato chips on a sandwich!

• Jack Donaghy : I'm not going to be around forever, Tracy, so I recorded advice for every scenario my son could face.

  Tracy Jordan : Jackie D. You want to make God laugh, make a plan. Or read him a Dave Barry book.