American Dad! (TV Series)

School Lies (2011)

Seth MacFarlane: Stan Smith, Roger the Alien

Quotes 

• Francine Smith : Well, I already signed us up to tour the private school.

  Stan Smith : Fine, but I'm not gonna try to impress anyone. No jokes, no charm, and I'm gonna wear the PJ bottoms where my pud always falls out.

• Stan Smith : [about the private school Francine wants to send Steve to]  There is no way we're sending Steve here to hobnob with Jimmy Boom Box and his silver spoon pals.

• Stan Smith : Steve, your mom and I are paying a lot of money for you to go to this school.

  Steve Smith : More like so you can go! All you care about is taking me there so you can be friends with that senator.

  Stan Smith : Friends? Did he use that word?

  Steve Smith : God, you're embarrassing! But you're gonna be way more embarrassed if you make me go back there. I'll act like a wolfman.

  Stan Smith : No, you won't.

  Steve Smith : I'm a wolfman. My dad is Stan Smith. Don't put him on any task forces!

  Stan Smith : You wouldn't do that!

  Steve Smith : And I'd pant real fast! Wear makeup under the eyes. Is that what you want, Dad? You know I got the pipes!

  [makes a howling noise and the monster hunter breaks through the window] 

  Monster Hunter : Die, demon of the night!

  Stan Smith : I was joking!

  Steve Smith : He was joking!

  Monster Hunter : What? Don't joke about that.

  Steve Smith : I won't!

  Stan Smith : We won't!

  Monster Hunter : I do a serious job. I don't need this.

  Stan Smith : We really appreciate everything you do.

• Roger the Alien : [to Stan]  I'm already having a good day 'cause you called me son. Now give me a kiss. Kiss me on the lips, Dad. I want that kind of relationship with you.

• Roger the Alien : Hey, hey. Should I come out of the closet and then make a big stink when they won't let me take my 50-year-old boyfriend to the prom?

• Stan Smith : [to Roger]  My God! Did you get in a fight at school?

  Roger the Alien : No. Look, you know, I'm gonna be a straight shooter with you now. I think I screwed the pooch on this one.

  Stan Smith : What?

  Roger the Alien : You know how you said try to be friends with the senator's daughter?

  Stan Smith : Yeah.

  Roger the Alien : Well, it began like that, and then middle, middle, middle and then I sold her to a drug dealer. The end.

  Stan Smith : You what?

  Roger the Alien : Are you seriously mad at me, Stan? You're the who's always telling me to go with my instincts. I thought you'd be proud of me.

  [looks out the window] 

  Roger the Alien : Ah, there's a blue jay out there.

  Stan Smith : I don't want to see the blue jay.

  Roger the Alien : Oh, it's so blue. You're not gonna want to miss this.

  Stan Smith : No.

  Roger the Alien : Stan...

  Stan Smith : Fine.

  Roger the Alien : Oh, it's gone.

  Stan Smith : Why would you sell the girl?

  Roger the Alien : Why would you not look at the blue jay earlier?

• Stan Smith : [about Cookie]  How do we sober her up?

  Roger the Alien : We don't. She's she is strung out, but she's a heavy user with a massive tolerance, so she might pull it together. She also might die. Either way, I'm eating dessert. I've been very good this week.

• Stan Smith : [to Steve]  Your face is freaking me out. You look like the cashier at CVS.