Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog (2009)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic

Quotes 

• Nostalgia Critic : Now where's my other student, Fuckup McDumbass?

  [as slovenly student] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Hey, teach, here's my project and it's awesome! It's got a lot of running, a lot of chili dogs, there's a monkey and a chicken and they just yell all the time. Blah blah blah blah blah, it's totally awesome.

  [as teacher, deadpan] 

  Nostalgia Critic : McDumbass, did you put any effort into this?

  [as student] 

  Nostalgia Critic : No, I just got high.

  [the Critic gives the project an F] 

• Nostalgia Critic : You make them sound annoying for a reason... THEY ANNOY YOU!

• Nostalgia Critic : [seeing the second Sonic show]  Effort! Honest to God effort!

• Nostalgia Critic : It's the kind of thing they would show Malcolm McDowell in "The Clockwork Orange" in order to break his mind.

  Alex DeLarge : [being forced to watch "The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog"; screams]  Stop it! Stop it, please! I beg you!

• Dr. Robotnik : It warms the cockles of my heart.

  Nostalgia Critic : Okay, the less I know about your cockles, the better.

• Nostalgia Critic : So, what's wrong with this show? What's *right* with this show? *That's* the shorter answer!

• Nostalgia Critic : ...I consider myself a man of decent logic. A man who has a fairly firm grasp on the perceptions of reality. A man who's down to earth and lives in the realms of the real world... UNTIL TODAY, when that reality was *challenged* by a blue-tinted hedgehog and his flying fox with two tails! This is the gateway to madness that the world of children's programming has chosen to call "The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog".

• Nostalgia Critic : [showing picture of Chester A. Bum]  You must be at least this high to watch.

• Nostalgia Critic : My god! How do you even advertise a show like this? I mean, what did the commercials look like?

  [as an announcer] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Hey, kids! Ren and Stimpy making too much sense for you? Then put on "The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog"! You'll love this cosmic out-of-body raping of your senses. It's like a Japanese show in English, only you still have no idea what's going on,

  [pointing at a picture of Chester A. Bum] 

  Nostalgia Critic : You must be at least this high to watch.

• Nostalgia Critic : [to Princess Sally]  You're not really a princess. You just took the title 'cause it sounds cute. Take some authority! You're a queen! Queen it up, bitch! They don't all have to look like Queen Elizabeth II; you can still be pretty, but start moving forward and take some responsibility! The furries will respect you for it.

• Nostalgia Critic : [Sees the end of the last Sonic the Hedgehog episode, and there is a monster shrouded in darkness]  Holy shit, what is that? Oh my God, I can't wait for the next episode. What the hell's gonna happen?

  [the word CANCELLED appears over the show logo] 

  Nostalgia Critic : *FUCK YOU*!

• Nostalgia Critic : What *else* could you *possibly* teach that would be as stupid as that?

  Sonic : Even you can learn something from a sloth.

  Nostalgia Critic : [fires hand gun, yelling]  FUCK THIS SHOW! Fuck this show! Fuck this show!

  [shoots characters' heads off, one by one] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Fuck this show, fuck this show, fuck it, fuck it!

  [fires gun repeatedly until there is an explosion] 

• Nostalgia Critic : The show takes place in Who-Gives-a-Shit-Land. I call it that because clearly, you look at the backgrounds knowing the creators just threw up their arms and shouted, "Really, who gives a shit?"

• Nostalgia Critic : [about the second Sonic show]  It literally took nothing and turned it into something, unlike...

  [shows the first Sonic show] 

  Nostalgia Critic : THAT OTHER FUCKING SHOW! They took nothing and turned it into even less than nothing!

• Tails : [surrounded by Scratch, Grounder and Coconuts]  We're surrounded, Sonic. Call 911.

  Sonic : No way, Tails, this is nothing. 911 is for real emergencies.

  Nostalgia Critic : That's right, kids, don't call 911 if someone's trying to kill or kidnap you, only call for important things. Like if the cable goes out and you can't watch "The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog". That's what's important.

• Nostalgia Critic : [on the voices of Scratch and Grounder]  And if you thought Sonic's voice was annoying, just get a load of this ear sodomy.

• Nostalgia Critic : But surely you can't take something as silly looking as Robotnik and make him the least bit intimidat...

  [sees Robotnik] 

  Nostalgia Critic : JESUS! Man, even Robotnik's cool as shit.

• Nostalgia Critic : [about Dr. Robotnik]  Wow, he hates Sonic so much that he actually has the word "hate" tattooed on his very teeth. That's a lot of hate.

• Nostalgia Critic : [on Coconuts]  I don't know why, but this vengeful, war-hungry monkey always reminds me of George W. Bush. Maybe it's the cowboy hat, I don't know.

  [as George Dubya] 

  Nostalgia Critic : He's got weapons of mass acceleration.

• Nostalgia Critic : [Grounder blows into his hand and out pops a pumpkin]  What? Pumpkin! Pumpkin, what? What? Pumpkin? What? I don't care what drug-induced land you're in, you cannot blow in your hand and come up with a pumpkin. How did you even come to that conclusion?

• Nostalgia Critic : What's next? He's gonna blow in his hand and a beautiful woman's gonna come out?

  [a rubber woman attached to Scratch's hand inflates] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Whaaaaaaaaaat? How can you blow into your hand and make a woman? Why would you even be chasing hedgehogs if you can blow into your hand and make a woman? It does not add up!

• Sonic : Guess you guys won't be staying for a second show!

  Nostalgia Critic : Ya got that right.

• Nostalgia Critic : [Describing the show]  Imagine coming across a mentally disabled person who's not only criminally insane but was also drunk, high, and had a whole frontal lobotomy leaving him with little to no intelligence left in his brain.

  [shouting] 

  Nostalgia Critic : He would be NORMAL compared to "The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog"!

• Nostalgia Critic : [about the Sonic Says segment]  But even the messages are weird. I mean, there's the usual stuff like learn to share and eat your veggies, but some days are just... strange.

  Sonic : Believe it or not, every year some ignorant kid takes a ride in a clothes dryer just like this one. If you think it's smart to climb in a dryer, you're really all wet.

  Nostalgia Critic : ...Really? Kids climbing in dryers is such a national problem, they have to devote the entire end of an episode to that? You know what? Given the intelligence of the people who watch this show, this is probably a good thing to teach, because my guess is, when they're not trying to operate heavy machinery with their butt-cheeks, they're probably trying to do something stupid like this!

• Nostalgia Critic : [trying to make sense of Sonic's love of chili dogs]  You know, at least with other cartoons, there's some sort of rhyme or reason: Bugs Bunny with carrots, Winnie the Pooh and honey... a blue hedgehog and chili dogs? What's the connection? My guess is it's what gives him his super sonic speed. That's to say I'm sure he's fast on his feet, but nothing can breathe fire like a gas-producing bean product that makes you want to shit more than a Metamucil cocktail.

• Nostalgia Critic : [shows off footage of Sonic and Tails being chased by robots]  Now, I know what you might be thinking: "Are you just showing the opening of this show again?" Nope, this is literally all the show is, just chasing and yelling. It's like a cartoon show for kids that have Tourette syndrome.

• Antoine : I am hating to be a, oh, how you say, such a worry-worm, but this terrible place, it's... it's not so good for our health. We go home, yes?

  Nostalgia Critic : [mocking French accent]  In fact, why don't we just surrender? 'Cause that's all we French know how to do, right? Surrender, make love, and be unbelievably snooty. Now, where's my French beret, accordion, twirly mustache, and striped shirt?

  [pause] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Jerry Lewis.

• Nostalgia Critic : [surprised to learn about the second show's environmentalism]  Wait, wait, I can't comprehend this - an environmental message that's... SUBTLE?

  [the word SUBTLE appears in big red letters, while the Shock Horror sound effect plays in the background] 

• Nostalgia Critic : [about the second Sonic show]  The show is called "Sonic the Hedgehog". The later got the name "Sonic: Sat AM". Why? Because it came on Saturday mornings, I guess. Now, isn't that kind of stupid? Isn't that like calling the title of a show "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Eastern Standard Time"? Look, I know it's customary to release a show after some time has gone by, BUT WITHIN THE SAME FUCKING YEAR? That's as crazy as the rest of the bullshit I had to put up with today!