Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Double Dragon (2008)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic

Quotes 

• Nostalgia Critic : So as it turns out, New Angeles is a crime-ridden hell hole where earthquakes occur every couple'a seconds, criminals rule the streets and the police never come out after dark. How is that any different from the old Angeles?

• Guisman : I JUST want total domination of ONE major American city!

  Nostalgia Critic : [sighs]  Alright...

  [points] 

  M. Bison : Of course!

  Nostalgia Critic : I'll never get sick of that joke.

• Nostalgia Critic : [imitating thugs]  Hey, next week I'm getting a root canal. Ah ha ha ha! Hey, I just found out I have cancer. Ah ha ha ha!

• Nostalgia Critic : With a game this popular, Hollywood producers quickly put their minds together and came up with the idea to make a movie out of it... seven years later. I mean, come on, by this time you could find Double Dragon in toy dispensers. It's not like it was at the height of its popularity.

• Nostalgia Critic : So the film starts off with this bullshit:

  Narrator : Thousands of years ago, an evil army of shadow warriors terrorized the great city of Chang-San. The good king sacrificed himself to create a mystical madallion. The king split it in half. This is the legend of the Double Dragon.

  Nostalgia Critic : No, this is the plot to Surf Ninjas.

• Nostalgia Critic : Anyone can talk about it. It's quite a different thing to actually experience it.

• Nostalgia Critic : In the city, we meet the Lee brothers, Jimmy and Billy. They meet every Wednesday at the Karate Kid reenactment guild as they practice their infamous karate moves: like the fire-blazing drop kick, the fearsome, raging roundhouse, and the fatal demon-head nookie of doom. It's a terrifying world where criminals wave their fingers at you, little people do... whatever the hell this is, and news programs are hosted by George Hamilton and Vanna White. Wait, what?

• Nostalgia Critic : Oh good. Punch her in the stomach and take her away, will ya? We're trying to get this movie off the ground.

• Nostalgia Critic : I'm sick of your stalling, movie. It's time you do something with that woman. Do something with that wo...

  [Satori is killed in an explosion] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Well that was... harsh.

• Nostalgia Critic : Bottom line: this movie is horrible. It's about as entertaining as colon cancer. Nobody in their right mind should, would, or could like this movie.

• Nostalgia Critic : Is it me or have I been dying a lot lately?

• Nostalgia Critic : Maybe the idea for the movie was just so good that it could cross the boundaries of the zeitgeist and give us one hell of a timeless classic. But I really doubt it.