Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic

Quotes 

• Nostalgia Critic : Is there any other American icon that can smash the foundations of my childhood any quicker?

  Bugs Bunny : What's dis? A joint?

  Nostalgia Critic : Why does Bugs Bunny know what a joint is? Bugs Bunny shouldn't know what a joint is. If Bugs Bunny knows what a joint is, that means he knows what drugs are, and if Bugs Bunny knows what drugs are, that means the rest of the Looney Tunes know what drugs are, and if the rest of the Looney Tunes know what drugs are, well, that JUST EXPLAINS TOO GODDAMN MUCH!

• Nostalgia Critic : So, now that all of our favorite cartoon characters are together in one spot, what are they gonna talk about?

  Simon : Marijuana.

  Nostalgia Critic : [stares; puts hand to ear]  Scusi?

  Simon : Marijuana.

  Nostalgia Critic : [somewhat incredulous]  Did... Did Simon of the Chipmunks just say "marijuana"? What... What would possess Simon of the Chipmunks to say "marijuana"? No... No, no, no. This has gotta be some kind of mistake. It can't be the same marijuana *we're* thinking of...

  Simon : An unlawful substance used to experience artificial highs.

  Nostalgia Critic : [shocked]  Oh my God. Why is Simon of the Chipmunks talking about marijuana? What kind of a slap in the face is that? I mean, Simon shouldn't know what marijuana is! Simon is one of the embodiments of childhood! He's from Alvin and the Chipmunks for cryin' out loud! JESUS, I feel so dirty. Simon of the Chipmunks just said "marijuana"!

• Nostalgia Critic : You know what the irony is? I think that most of these cartoon characters were on drugs long before this special ever came out. I mean, look at it: Garfield is always hungry, Pooh is happy as hell, Daffy is hyped up on speed, and Michelangelo... well, listen to him.

  Michelangelo : Your brain must be, like, really messed up.

  Nostalgia Critic : I even think our beloved president smoked a doobie before he came out. I mean, look at him. He's looking at Barbara's head like it's a giant cheeseburger.

• Nostalgia Critic : [referring to Michael's bad behavior]  Corey thinks about telling her father, but he's too busy being an alcoholic... and gay... and the Brawny Man.

• Nostalgia Critic : Any objections?

  Smoke : I make'im feel good.

  Nostalgia Critic : He's got me there.

  [takes a hit off a bong] 

• Nostalgia Critic : [after Michael steals Corey's piggy bank]  He uses it to get more drugs which he hides in a box that he keeps under his bed. And what exactly does he keep in that box? A Silly Putty egg, four turds, and two cinnamon buns glued together, because hey, he was high and he thought it was a good idea at the time.

• Nostalgia Critic : Now, for those of you who don't remember the special, I'll give you the skinny. In the early '90s, ABC said they were gonna do a half-hour special featuring kids' favorite cartoons. You name it: Duck Tales, Chipmunks, Looney Tunes, Ninja Turtles, the works. When you're a kid, this is the equivalent of, like, Elvis meets the Beatles; the world could just explode right there. So for weeks, we had been waiting in anticipation, and finally, the big day came. The Saturday morning, all the kids are up and we're hyped as hell! And who do they get to start off this groundbreaking event? None other than the goddamn President of the United States himself! Oh, my God! George Bush is starting this thing off!

  [pauses briefly, then becomes nervous] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh my God. George Bush is starting this thing off; that can't be good.

• Nostalgia Critic : You know, I thought this would be really cool, but you know what? This really blows! All my cartoon characters are fuckin' narcs!