"Nostalgia Critic" North (TV Episode 2009) - Doug Walker as Nostalgia Critic

Governor Ho : There is only one barren area on all of our islands. Unfortunately, it's Mrs. Ho.

Nostalgia Critic : That's the worst thing ever uttered by humans. This movie is pure evil.

Nostalgia Critic : Wow. I mean, there are stereotypes... and then there's this.

Roger Ebert : I hated this movie. Hated, hated, hated, hated, hated, hated this movie. Hated it. Hated every simpering, stupid, vacant, audience-insulting moment of it!

Nostalgia Critic : You're too fucking nice!

North's dad : [in movie] Here, loosen his pants.

Nostalgia Critic : Wait, what?

North's dad : Here, loosen his pants.

Nostalgia Critic : [pause] Wait, WHAT?

North's dad : Here, loosen his pants.

Nostalgia Critic : [pause] Okay. Okay. You can't let a line like that go by without someone making fun of it.

Joey Fingers : What metaphor? You ever been down there in August? Your balls stick to your leg like crazy glue.

Nostalgia Critic : Ya know, for kids!

Mrs. Ho : In Hawaii, 'Aloha' means hello AND goodbye.

North : Doesn't that get confusing?

Governor Ho : Only when you are firing someone.

North : Oh. Aloha.

Nostalgia Critic : [imitating houseboy] What do ya mean I'm fired?

Pa Tex : [after big song and dance number] 'Nother rib, son?

Nostalgia Critic : No, but a legitimate joke would be nice.

Nostalgia Critic : [regarding the flow scene] First of all, when this was done, this was done in times of famine, not just because they were old. Second, this was incredibly rare and only done as a last resort. Third, this happened EONS AGO! Nobody does it anymore! I mean, did you do ANY research? Do you know ANYTHING about how the world works? Read a fucking book!

Nostalgia Critic : Hello... song?

Joey Fingers : You realized something it takes people a whole lifetime to figure out, and some people never figure it out at all: that a bird in the hand is always greener than the grass under the other guy's bushes.

Nostalgia Critic : I hate you.

Nostalgia Critic : [imitating Jason Alexander] You're killin' independent George, Elaine!

Nostalgia Critic : North was crucified for our sins. When are you gonna make that kind of a commitment?

Easter Bunny : Look, kid, just because I'm in a bunny suit doesn't mean I...

Nostalgia Critic : Yes, yes, it does. Whatever you were about to say, being in a bunny suit pretty much destroys all credibility.

Nostalgia Critic : So North has the summer to find new parents or they will apparently put him in an orphanage.

Judge Buckle : And if any of you has ever seen the little rascals... ho ho ho, you know that's no day at the beach.

Nostalgia Critic : I like to judge things by 1920s comedies. You know, instead of those useless facts or statistics.

North : Where is Buck?

Pa Tex : He died in a stampede.

North : Oh. I'm so sorry.

Pa Tex : Needless to say it was a mighty big loss.

Nostalgia Critic : Did I miss something here? I mean, what was the point of that conversation? Something funny said? They had a son, the son dies, so... so WHAT? They have a son, the son is fat, he died in a stampede so where's the humor? Oh, oh, wait a minute! Big loss! Because he's FAT... and DEAD... and fat dead people are aparently hilarious. Thirty seconds of build up for a dead fat person joke.

Nostalgia Critic : Good gravy, the jokes on Happy Meals are funnier than this.

Nostalgia Critic : I'll give the film credit, though, they did get Native American Graham Greene to play an Eskimo here. I mean, it's not like they got Kathy Bates, spray-painted her face and stuck on a black wig like a minstrel show...

[sees her]

Nostalgia Critic : No! No, no! You go back to your room, movie, until you learn something about being racially sensitive.

Alaskan Mom : Well, when an Eskimo gets too old or weak to contribute to society...

Nostalgia Critic : You're not...

Alaskan Mom : The whole family gets together and everybody walks to the ocean...

Nostalgia Critic : You're really not...

Alaskan Dad : And then the revered olf Eskimo is proudly placed on an ice flow and set out to sea, so he can die... with dignity.

Nostalgia Critic : Yes, apparently Eskimos get in line to shove off their old farts while a ticket holder moves the line along as they say goodbye. Good fuckety God!

Nostalgia Critic : So he goes to Africa where of course everyone lives in a grass hut. Drops by China where everyone hails him as some sort of emperor. Why don't you have him drop by France where everyone wears berets, smokes, drinks wine, and every TV channel has 24 hours of Jerry Lewis... it's the next scene, isn't it?

Nostalgia Critic : You actually went to the lowest common denomenator and made it all a dream? You ass of shit!

Announcer : Number 10!