Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

The 100th Episode: Battlefield Earth (2010)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic

Quotes 

• Nostalgia Critic : [Terl loads gold bars into a coffin]  Why do I get the feeling this is how John Travolta wants to be buried?

• Nostalgia Critic : [the humans harvest gold from Ft. Knox]  They're not. They're honestly not. Son of a bitch! TERL!

  Terl : Oh, it's you again.

  Nostalgia Critic : How can you idiots not know about Fort fucking Knox? What, you never checked to see if we harvested gold too?

  Terl : Listen, you're probably figuring out by now that we Psychlos are not very smart. In fact, the only reason we've ever been able to take over any galaxy at all is that we fart nuclear bombs out of our anuses.

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh. So, none of this has to do with any strategic planning or superior intellect?

  Terl : Nope. It's just farting bombs. Ha ha ha ha!

  Nostalgia Critic : You must be a very proud race.

• Nostalgia Critic : Oh, by the way, something you'll notice very quickly about this film is that every shot is at an angle. And no, I'm not talking about, like, a dozen shots or even a couple dozen, no. I mean, 95% of the shots are slanted. Why? I feel like the fucking movie's sinking, there's no reason for it!

• Nostalgia Critic : We finally see what this advanced alien race that enslaved humanity looks like - Jamaican Klingon clowns.

• Nostalgia Critic : So, this military force of a planet... that has an atmosphere made out of radiation... has never had an explosion?

  [Beat] 

  Nostalgia Critic : This race is more gun-happy than Charlton Heston's shooting gallery, and yet there's NEVER BEEN AN EXPLOSION ON THIS PLANET? THEY COULD LOOK AT A KITTEN AND SOMEHOW THEY'D MAKE IT BLOW UP! THESE GUYS ARE CRAZY! THERE'S NEVER BEEN AN EXPLOS... YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT? THIS IS STUPID! THIS IS STUPID! STUPID, STUPID...

  [the camera speeds way up to show him sounding like a chipmunk] 

  Nostalgia Critic : ... STUPID, STUPID, STUPIDSTUPIDSTUPIDSTUPIDSTUPIDSTUPIDSTUPIDSTUPID! STUPIIID! STUPID! IT'S SO INCREDIBLY STUPID! THIS IS THE WORST PIECE OF SHIT I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE! GOD, HORSE, ASS, WHOLE PACK OF SHIT! STUPID SHIT! THIS IS STUPID SHIT! ASS, FUCKFACE, DICKHEAD, ASSHOLE, YOU IN THE ASS FUCKED HARD! STUPID! IT'S SO UNBELIEVABLY STUPID! SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHIT! ASS! ASS, WHORE, ASS, SHIT, FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!

  [the Critic stops scream and, still in high-pitched, sobs briefly] 

• [the Critic has had a HUGE lapse of sanity from the movie's sheer stupidity] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Okay, the thought occurs to me that perhaps I'm just not in the right mindset for this movie.

  [he takes a hammer] 

  Nostalgia Critic : So, to fix this problem, I'm going to make the proper alterations.

  [the camera cuts to a shot of the Critic in a straitjacket, along with a message: "Please excuse this slight mental breakdown...", while the Critic is heard yelling in pain from hitting himself with the hammer; the camera then cuts back to him, now with a blank expression on his face and his glasses askew] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [dopey voice]  Duhuhuhuh... I like spaceships...

• Nostalgia Critic : Oh fuck you, Roger Christian. Whoever you are.

• Nostalgia Critic : [in archive footage clip]  Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.

  [the present day Critic steps in front of the footage] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Ha ha. Look at that joker. You know, it's hard to believe that such a handsome man could become even hansonomer. Han... hamsemener... hanso... han... prettier.

• Nostalgia Critic : Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic and I remembered it for 100 episodes.

• Nostalgia Critic : Wow, I didn't think it would be this short of time for me not to give a shit, but... there you go! The emotional turmoil of a character I don't know mourning a character I've never seen. I'm in for a treat!

• Nostalgia Critic : [in clip]  Do something special for your hundredth episode. Something everybody's requested but you never had the plentiful balls to do.

  Nostalgia Critic : But what else is there? I've done Batman and Robin, I've done Garbage Pail Kids. Those are some of the worst films out there.

  Ma-Ti : No, Critic, there is one movie you have overlooked. A science fiction movie that is so terrible it makes my nipples tingle with fear.

  Nostalgia Critic : [horrified]  You don't mean...?

  Ma-Ti : No, not that one.

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh.

  [pauses; thinks for a minute; looks horrified] 

  Ma-Ti : No, not that one either.

  Nostalgia Critic : [pauses, thinks a moment; looks horrified again]  You mean...?

  Ma-Ti : Yes. BATTLEFIELD EARTH!

  [Critic screams in agony] 

• Terl : Just you wait, Critic, for soon we will conquer your primitive species just like we have for centuries...

  [explosion] 

  Terl : Uh oh.

  Nostalgia Critic : What's wrong?

  Terl : Oh it looks like someone lit a cigarette on our home planet and now the whole damn thing is going to explode.

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh. Gee, I'm sorry. Well is... there anything I can do?

  Terl : No, no, it's cool. Just let me work on my dying words.

  [clears throat] 

  Terl : Oh...

  [planet explodes] 

  Nostalgia Critic : You know, I'm not going to miss him.

• Nostalgia Critic : This is an absolute ass of shit! I mean, this is bad. This is really, really, really BAD. The acting is over the top, the camera work is a joke, the story is just beyond idiotic, it's just bad. Bad, bad, bad, bad!

• Nostalgia Critic : Terl, why would you educate these guys who clearly want to kill you and then only watch them by taking a still picture every couple of hours?

  Terl : Ha, a puny man-animal such as yourself couldn't possibly understand. We are far technologically superior. We have conquered dozens of species and hundreds of galaxies. Or is it the other way around?

  Nostalgia Critic : You couldn't conquer Rogue Island. You're completely useless.

  Terl : Okay, just because we've given them every need to take us over doesn't mean that they will take us over. We figured humans are raised by the honor system.

  Nostalgia Critic : But you don't even work on the honor system.

  Terl : I know, and that's why we always win!

  Nostalgia Critic : Aw, go away. It's like talking to a horse's vagina.

  Terl : Ha! While you were still learning how to SPELL your name!

• Nostalgia Critic : The human race is apparently enslaved by aliens from the planet Psychlo... Psychlo, really? Come on, this is sounding like second grade fan fiction!

  [as child] 

  Nostalgia Critic : 'And they live on the planet Psychlo where the EVIL Meanasaurus and the NASTY Badamagoo eat up ALL the Oompa-Loompas.'

• Nostalgia Critic : So in a matter of two weeks, let me repeat that, TWO weeks, the humans learn how to find weapons, build bombs, arm guns and even learn how to fly fighter jets. Wow, these guys are making the MENSA people look like lobotomized retards.

• Nostalgia Critic : So, let me clear things up: six fighter jets can take out these ships and yet an entire military in the past couldn't stop an alien takeover? How the fuck does that happen? Well, according to conservative talk radio, it's because there's a democrat in the White House.

• Johnny Goodboy Tyler (Barry Pepper) : Has anyone here ever seen one?

  [Prances around them excitedly] 

  Johnny Goodboy Tyler (Barry Pepper) : A demon, a monster, a beast! YAAAAAAH!

  Nostalgia Critic : Have you ever heard of subtlety, underplay, a good actor? YAAAAAAH!

• Nostalgia Critic : I'm unbelieveable. I AM your Jesus.

• Nostalgia Critic : So, what do I have planned for this unbelieveably big event? I'll tell you what: a crummy-ass clip show.

• Ma-Ti : What happened to you, man? You used to have strong, plentiful balls.

  Nostalgia Critic : No, no, I still do. My balls are still very strong and extremely plentiful.

• Ma-Ti : [in "clip"]  Hey wait a minute, he's not doing anything. He's just looking at his stupid clip show.

  Nostalgia Critic : [rolling a joint]  Huh?

  Ma-Ti : What the hell? We watch 100 episodes of your shit and you just throw this clip show at us? I mean, that sucks ass.

  Nostalgia Critic : [in clip]  Yeah, the Nostalgia Critic of the past wouldn't do something like that.

  Nostalgia Critic : But it's my one hundredth episode.

  Nostalgia Critic : [mimicking]  "But it's my hundredth episode..." what a cop-out!

• Nostalgia Critic : It has as much to do with Scientology as Halloween III does with Halloween I and II.

• Nostalgia Critic : I expect nothing but a subtle performance out of a character that looks like that.

  Terl (John Travolta) : You are out of your skull bone if you think that I am going to write on the report 'shot by man-animal' as the cause of the death unless I see it!

  Nostalgia Critic : But that would be stupid.

• [the Psychlos laugh as the music turns all ambient and their laughing starts to echo. As NC speaks the camera closes up on each of the Psychlo's faces] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Okay, now we're entering a bad Nightcool dream. Is the film's attempt to be artsy? Because... it works about as well as TILTING THE CAMERA ON EVERY FUCKING SHOT!

• Nostalgia Critic : It's just dumb sci-fi action with a dumb sci-fi story. No more, no less. Well actually, A LOT less, but let's take a look at this fuck storm anyway.

• Nostalgia Critic : Yeah, you know what's living? Dying. No wait, that's not living. That's... that's fucking dying.

• Johnny : We have enough problems without killing each other over food!

  Nostalgia Critic : I know I'm just saying this after nearly killing somebody over food, but still!

• Nostalgia Critic : Is that guy's chin a toilet seat?