Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (2009)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic

Quotes 

• Nostalgia Critic : Look out! Puppets created by Jim Henson's mentally retarded brother!

• Nostalgia Critic : Ah, so these must be the Garbage Pail Kids. God, they look even stranger than I imagined. This must be Eighties McNo-Style, Hairspray Overkill, Bully L. Stereotype, and Mannish T. Tarzan. Wow, it's like the cards are coming to life.

• Greaser Greg : Chicks is chicks, and I know my chicks.

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah, I know my chicks... they have penises, right?

• Nostalgia Critic : You're telling me there's an actual state home for the ugly, and yet Joan Rivers, Michael Moore and Carrot Top are allowed to roam free? What kind of sick, twisted world is this?

• Nostalgia Critic : Oh that's nice. One of the kids has a pocket knife. Remember, kids, real beauty is on the inside, and if you disagree,

  [shouts] 

  Nostalgia Critic : I'll cut you open to prove it!

• Nostalgia Critic : So Dodger goes to his job at the antique store where he's joined by his boss, Captain Manzini. I suppose they call him that because he held some kind of command, but I think it's because he had a kids' show on PBS. You know, like Captain Kangaroo, only minus the fun.

• Nostalgia Critic : So they go to a theater that shows Three Stooges shorts... okay, first of all, what movie theater shows Three Stooges shorts anymore? This isn't the '40s. Second, is everyone in this theater high? I mean I love the Three Stooges, but they're all laughing like fucking hyenas. Maybe they've been devoid of real humor in this movie that the moderately funny stuff seems incredible to them.

• Nostalgia Critic : Why doesn't he tell him what's really in there? A bunch of annoying shits that won't shut the fuck up. That'll keep him away.

• Nostalgia Critic : DO SOMETHING! I'm tired of sitting around watching the high school version of I Can't Believe It's Not Muppets!

• Nostalgia Critic : [as Reagan]  Ugly people need to be destroyed.

• Nostalgia Critic : [as the GP kids, singing]  Heigh ho, heigh ho, this movie's gonna blow.

• Nostalgia Critic : I feel raped. I feel honest to God raped by this movie. It is *that* bad.

• Nostalgia Critic : [very slowly, in deep voice]  My God... it's full of shit.

• Nostalgia Critic : Beauty has always been in the eye of the beholder, and anyone who has eyes can clearly see that they are ugly as sin.

• Nostalgia Critic : Okay, how the fuck do you drive over a car? It's not a goddamn monster truck.

• Nostalgia Critic : After that, they take a stop at the toughest bar in the world that is literally titled "The Toughest Bar in the World." Who wrote this?

• Nostalgia Critic : [high pitched]  I'm acting!

• Nostalgia Critic : So meanwhile, at the State Home for the Ugly, they keep the kids locked away with history's most hideous treasures. Like Gandhi, Abraham Lincoln, and Santa Claus. Did they ever read this out loud?

• Nostalgia Critic : [Juice punches Dodger]  Dude, you're beating up a twelve year old. What an asshole!

  [Dodger tackles and punches Juice] 

  Nostalgia Critic : He's getting beat up by a twelve year old, what an asshole.

• Nostalgia Critic : This movie is so bad that it's actually splitting the fabric of space and time!

• Nostalgia Critic : [imitating Juice]  I suppose I should be dealing some drugs or robbing some liquor stores. But no, a 12-year-old with a fashion scheme, that's where the real money is.

• Nostalgia Critic : Oh, wait a minute. I think they're gonna do another pissing-pants joke again.

  [Nat Nerd does indeed urinate on the floor] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Well, you know what they say, if at first you don't succeed, try, try, try, try...

  [gets angry] 

  Nostalgia Critic : ... try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try...

  [voice becomes more high-pitched as he bangs his head on the desk] 

  Nostalgia Critic : ... try, try, try, try, try, try, try, TRY, TRY, TRY, TRY, TRY, TRY, TRY...

  [screams] 

  Nostalgia Critic : ...UNTIL YOUR FUCKING LITTLE MIND CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!

• Valerie Vomit : We're the Pepsi generation.

  Nostalgia Critic : Why do I get the feeling Pepsi regrets that little promotional plug?

• Nostalgia Critic : What kind of a bar would operate like that?

  [imitates bartender] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Hey, those kids just killed my wife, ate my dog and crucified my mother. They've got guts. Drinks for everybody!

• Nostalgia Critic : [about Garbage Pail Kids]  Then some numbnuts at MGM said to himself, 'hey, here's some good potential for a really good, gripping storu here.' I don't know what he was smoking either, let's just hope he got brain damage from it.

• Nostalgia Critic : And so Garbage Pail Kids: The Movie was created, in the loosest form of the word 'create'. How did they make a film based off a trading card that has absolutely no story or character develoment at all? I'm still not convinced they did.

• Valerie Vomit : Let's go see a movie picture.

  Nostalgia Critic : Yes, watching any movie different from the one I'm watching now is definitely a plus.

• Nostalgia Critic : [as if talking to a child]  Use your thoughts, writers. Use your thoughts.

• Nostalgia Critic : So they all make it to Tangerine's fashion show where they plan to show that thief a thing or two. Okay, so what are they gonna do? Are they gonna throw paint on the clothes or cut the dresses into ribbons or... rip them off the models, exposing their almost naked bodies? Is this movie for kids or what?

• Nostalgia Critic : Where am I?

  Older Critic : [sitting at kitchen table, eating Cheerios 2]  You are inside of a bad movie. A film so horrible that it actually ages you even as you watch yourself.

  Nostalgia Critic : Wow. Boy, the movie is that bad?

  Older Critic : Yes. Now piss off

  [throws a carton at him] 

  Older Critic : I'm trying to eat my processed cereal.

  Elderly Critic : [throws carton at OC]  Will you shut up? I'm trying to die over here, for crying out loud!

• Dodger : I don't think you're pretty anymore.

  Nostalgia Critic : [as Tangerine]  Wow, I got burned by a fifth grader. I think I hit a new low.

• Nostalgia Critic : This is IT! The worst! The absolute worst! No story, no character, no plot. Just pain. Pure, concentrated pain. There has never been anything this bad in the history of badness. It should be studied. It should be anaylzed. It is... pure evil! I don't know whether to give it to a scientist to examine or a priest to exorcise. I mean it is remarkable. Absolutely remarkable. Even the closing credits are hurting me. Everything about this movie is horrendous.

• Nostalgia Critic : Because that's funny, right? Right? The correct answer is no.

• Nostalgia Critic : [two characters are named Tangerine and Juice]  This isn't a cast of characters, it's a fucking grocery list!

• Nostalgia Critic : Okay, so they find the State Home for the Ugly where they plan to break in one night and get all the ugly people out. But it has to wait as the other plot thread about the designed clothes is taking place as well. How did we go from a movie with no plotlines to a movie with too many plotlines?

• Nostalgia Critic : Oh great, another pissing your pants joke, because, you know, 12th time's the charm.