- Nostalgia Critic: [creeped out by Mr. Dewey approaching Richard like a pedophile] I think we need a Sonic Says right now.
- Nostalgia Critic: Let's take a look at our first problem: the producer, Ted Turner. God dammit, will you stop trying to educate us, Ted Turner? You're no good at it!
- Nostalgia Critic: Anyway, we cut to our hero, played by Macaulay Culkin, named Rich. Oh God, not another Richie Rich movie! There's only so much Culkin I can take in a year!
- [during the storm, everything seems to try and kill Richard]
- Nostalgia Critic: [as God] God is not pleased with you, Culkin! I will smite you before you make the "Nutcracker" movie. "Getting Even With Dad"? I'm getting even with you.
- [a tree branch falls in Richard's path, but he manages to avoid getting hit]
- Nostalgia Critic: "Good Son"? Goodbye!
- [Richard crashes his bike into something and falls down; Critic as God laughs]
- Nostalgia Critic: I got a million of them. I am God, you know.
- Adventure: I wrote the book on sailin'. In fact, I AM the book on sailin'.
- Nostalgia Critic: BOOKS! We like jokes about BOOKS!
- Fantasy: Now I gotta straighten out my Little Mermaid underwear.
- Nostalgia Critic: Please don't make me think about Whoopi Goldberg's underwear.
- Nostalgia Critic: Hey, if we arrest someone, we should probably BOOK him. I wonder if Ellen PAGE is in this movie. Has anyone watched any films with Rex REED? Hey, if the film's not trying, why should I?
- Adventure: [inhales deeply] Do ya smell it? Breathe it in, mates!
- Nostalgia Critic: [in pirate voice] I farted! Give it a good whiff, boys.
- [inhales]
- Nostalgia Critic: Ah, that's cauliflower.
- Nostalgia Critic: So finally they come to the exit which is so close, you can practically feel the ending credits roll by.
- Nostalgia Critic: The only way I can see this movie making any kid want to read is by threatening to play it again if they don't.
- Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. We all liked Michael Jackson at some point, didn't we? But that doesn't mean he can just throw any crap on the screen and expect us to buy it! That's why I have some serious hang-ups with "Moonwalker".
- [clips are shown not of "Moonwalker" but of "The Pagemaster" instead]
- Nostalgia Critic: One of the strangest and most bizarre... um, this isn't "Moonwalker". So, what the hell were up with those clips?
- [he looks offscreen as though someone were whispering to him]
- Nostalgia Critic: Huh? "Pagemaster"? I never watched any "Pagemaster". I did? Well, what was it about? Oh! Oh, yeah, the... the "Home Alone" kid, the... reading adventure, yeah. Okay. Um... "Pagemaster"! Yeah, what a... what a memorable movie that was!
- [laughs, then pauses briefly]
- Nostalgia Critic: Okay, by that total lack of memory, you can probably tell this movie didn't exactly leave much of an impact. And why should it? It's boring! Nothing's developed, nothing's structured, nothing's... anything! It's pretty much just a film fart: it happens, it's unpleasant, but you forget about it just a few moments later. It was a strange attempt to try and get children to read more; a noble cause, but a botched-up delivery. So, let's take a look at why "The Pagemaster" is not only dull, but why it's... REALLY dull.
- Nostalgia Critic: So he bumps into a talking book simply named Adventure, voiced by Patrick Stewart, who really knows how to put the "dick" in "dictionary".
- Richard: Look, all I want to do is get outta here.
- Adventure: Of course, you do, matey! We all do! But this is a library, mate. Nothing is as it seems.
- Nostalgia Critic: [as Adventure] For example, the Kids section is really the Porno section! We get a lot of complaints about that.
- [as Captain Ahab is about to encounter Moby Dick, the colors on him and the background dramatically change to mostly red with bits of blue]
- Nostalgia Critic: What the hell? Did Charles Manson suddenly take over the animation? Dude, you guys have to be a little bit more clever about your lighting schemes! I mean, God isn't just the light man up in the clouds saying...
- [as God]
- Nostalgia Critic: Ooh! A dramatic moment! They're going to need a red gel for that.
- [prepares to use a piece of red transparent paper]
- Nostalgia Critic: So Richard stumbles around and finds a ceiling full of images that I'm sure won't be reappearing in this movie. But things suddenly go strange... imagine that... as the ceiling starts melting and filling up the room with colorful ooze.
- [the colors all mold together to form a cartoon color dragon that chases Richard all over the library]
- Nostalgia Critic: Is it me, or does this look like the evil opening to "Reading Rainbow"?
- [the theme from "Reading Rainbow" plays during this scene]
- Nostalgia Critic: [singing demonically] Take a look, it's in a book, READING RAINBOW!