Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Titanic: The Animated Movie (2009)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic

Quotes 

• Boy Mouse : If it hadn't been for you, I...

  Nostalgia Critic : What just happened? Is this movie on speed?

  Boy Mouse : ...I would now be in someone's else's digestion.

  Rapping Dog : [rapping]  You know there's something you should know, so I'm gonna tell you so...

  Nostalgia Critic : [disgusted]  Oh, god. This is it.

• Nostalgia Critic : I mean, forget the ship. THIS is the major disaster this movie was building up to. Even if this was meant to be done in modern times, it would still fall flat on its ass.

  [in a dorky voice] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Hey, kids, just remember. This Friday is the release of Shit Doggy Dogg's latest single, Kibbles 'n' Bitches.

  [Photoshopped picture with the Rapping Dog's head imposed on a rapper's body while standing between two girls appears] 

  Nostalgia Critic : If it's good enough to play on a ship where the majority of passengers died, it's good enough for your five-year-old any day.

• Nostalgia Critic : Happily ever after? What the hell's wrong with you? This isn't a postcard, it's the sinking of the fucking Titanic! If you really wanted to be faithful, you would've said,

  [in child's voice] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Kirk and Dirk got married to the evil stepsisters, William and Angelica got married as well as adopted the two dalmatians and over 1500 people died in one of the world's largest and most tragic disasters. See you soon.

• Nostalgia Critic : [singing]  Note the stock footage-o. This plot is muy stupid-o. It makes absolute no sense-o. This song is way racist-o. Arrebah!

• Nostalgia Critic : So as you can tell this is just a role reversal of the other Titanic movie, but instead of a rich girl and a poor boy, it's a rich boy and a poor girl. Good God, I hope that means she doesn't want to draw him nude.

• Nostalgia Critic : Well at least the animals made it out alive. Good. The survivors are gonna need something to eat on the way back to shore.

• Nostalgia Critic : This film is actually so bad that a lot of people debate whether or not it actually exists. Copies of it are very hard to find, and most people who do see snippets of it that looks like it was done by a fifth-grader on Adobe Flash.

  [holds up DVD of the movie] 

  Nostalgia Critic : But here's the DVD to prove it: Titanic. As it says on the back, we embark on the REAL adventures of the Titanic. Oh, yeah, because all the other stories you've heard weren't the least bit exciting or credible, were they? No, no, no. This is the exciting version with what really historically happened on the Titanic... with Mexican mice and a rapping dog. HELLO? Be afraid, my fellow viewers. Be very, very afraid. Let's dive in. No pun intended.

• Nostalgia Critic : So, my first thought was that they thought the movie was so bad it decided to fast-forward to the end and skip the whole thing. But nope, the story is actually told in flashback. Again, very original. As we see our main character named Angelica who is forced to be a servant to her evil stepmother and two selfish stepsisters.

  [Cinderella DVD appears] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Gee, does THAT... SOUND... FAMILIAR?

• Evil Stepmother : You didn't pack our clothes properly, you clumsy girl.

  [One of the stepsisters picks up a teacup and deliberately breaks it] 

  Evil Stepmother : Pick up those broken bits of china at once.

  Nostalgia Critic : [laughs]  What the hell? They actually break stuff for her to pick up? That's not evil, that's Tourette's Syndrome. Come on, you've gotta have some logic.

• Nostalgia Critic : [in reference to the mice unpacking]  When did this movie turn into "An American Fail?"

• Nostalgia Critic : Wait, wait.

  [reaches into jacket pocket and pulls out a tiny bottle of Jagermeister] 

  Nostalgia Critic : If we're going to go through with this, I want to be prepared.

  [Opens the bottle and takes a drink] 

  Nostalgia Critic : All right, continue.

  Rapping Dog : [Rap continues]  ... I'll be bustin' the moves and I'll be bustin' the rhymes. We'll be bustin' out laughing 'cause it's party time.

  Nostalgia Critic : Wait, wait! Sorry, this isn't going to do it.

  [Puts the tiny bottle away and pulls out a slightly bigger bottle of Jagermeister and takes a drink] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Okay.

  Rapping Dog : [Rap continues]  Party time! Party time! Everybody's gonna be rockin' 'cause it's party time...

  Nostalgia Critic : WAIT! WAIT!

  [puts the bottle down] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Sorry, I need something a little bit more potent!

  [Bends down and lifts up a huge bottle of Jagermeister and sets it on the table next to him; then in a quiet voice] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Proceed.

• Nostalgia Critic : I'm Sinking Gonzales, the fastest-drowning mouse in all of México!

• Nostalgia Critic : So, I know what you're thinking: what's taking that ice berg so long any how?

• Nostalgia Critic : Ya know, for kids!

• Nostalgia Critic : Nanny? Isn't he a little old to be having a nanny? I mean, what age does he hit puberty, 35?

• Nostalgia Critic : [Opening lines]  Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.

  [Titanic theme begins playing in background] 

  Nostalgia Critic : This is a tale about a ship of dreams. About a young boy and a young girl who fall in love but are torn apart by their social class. And only then, at the height of their emotional commitment does the ship meet with disast-

  [theme stops abruptly] 

  Nostalgia Critic : No wait, that's James Cameron's highest-grossing film of all time: Titanic. My mistake.

  [clears throat, Titanic theme plays again] 

  Nostalgia Critic : This is a tale about a ship of dreams. About a young boy and a young girl who fall in love but are torn apart by their social class. And only then, at the height of their emotional commitment does the ship meet with disaster. This is the story of Titanic... the animated musical.

  [clips from Titanic: The Legend Goes On] 

• Sam : Special Detective Sam Bradbury. Sam to my friends; a threat to my enemies.

  Nostalgia Critic : A Detective, really? I'd never be able to tell. By those clothes I thought you'd be a plumber.

• [Last lines] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Where did this movie come from? What idiotic brain mash could so effectively miss this tragic center of the Titanic disaster? My guess is somebody just saw the James Cameron blockbuster and didn't realize it was based on a real tragic event. They probably just thought that it was a fairy-tale, so they put their half-assed version together thinking to themselves "You know what this collection of human misery needs? A rapping dog." There's a reason so many people don't believe this movie exists because quite frankly, we don't want to believe it exists. It's so horrible that we as human beings don't want to believe that we created it. And with the help of Mr. Alcohol here, I might just be able to make that dream come true. I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to.

• Boy Mouse : Wait a minute, wait a minute, where are you going? The movie isn't over yet. Don't you want to know what happened to everybody?

  Nostalgia Critic : I kinda assumed they drowned.

  Boy Mouse : Hortense and Bernice married Kirk and Dirk, who are gloatingly thinking they've got it made. And here we have ecstatic newlyweds Angelica and William, together with Mother Nanny Jenny, Victoria and the grandchildren, and the dalmatians and their children. Well, here's hoping they'll all live happily ever after. See you soon.

  Nostalgia Critic : Happily ever after? What the hell is wrong with you? This isn't a postcard, it's the sinking of the fucking Titanic! If you wanted to be really faithful, you would've said:

  [imitating Boy Mouse] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Kirk and Dirk got married to the evil stepsisters. William and Angelica got married, as well as adopted the two dalmatians, and over fifteen hundred people died in one of the world's largest and most tragic disasters. See you soon.

• Nostalgia Critic : Now before you say anything, let me answer your very first question: Yes, this is real. Some Italian fart over in Italy decided he wanted to tell his version of the Titanic, which, of course, is completely different from that other little independent film that came out just a few years earlier. This charming little version has talking geese, Mexican mice, and - I'm really not kidding here - a rapping dog.