Portal 2 (2011 Video Game)
Stephen Merchant: Wheatley
Photos
Quotes
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GLaDOS : [Chell and GLaDOS, as a potato, are flying toward Wheatley, into a trap] Aaaah!
GLaDOS : [On a platform, surrounded with spiked stompers] Well, this is the part where he kills us.
Wheatley : Hello! This is the part where I kill you!
[On-Screen caption: Chapter 9: the Part Where He Kills You]
Wheatley : [Achievement unlocked: the part where he kills you. This is that part]
["The Part Where He Kills You" starts playing]
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Wheatley : [ding sound, Wheatley reveals a potato with a device on it] Ahhh... See that? That is a potato battery. It's a toy for children. And now she lives in it.
[laughs]
GLaDOS : I know you.
Wheatley : Sorry, what?
GLaDOS : The engineers tried everything to make me - behave. To slow me down. Once, they even attached an Intelligence Dampening Sphere on me. It clung to my brain like a tumor, generating an endless stream of terrible ideas.
Wheatley : No! I'm not listening! I'm not listening!
GLaDOS : It was YOUR voice.
Wheatley : No! No! You're LYING! You're LYING!
GLaDOS : Yes. You're the tumor. You're not just a regular moron. You were DESIGNED to be a moron.
Wheatley : I am NOT! A MORON!
[Wheatley starts hitting the glass of the elevator Chell is in with the arm holding GLaDOS]
GLaDOS : Yes you are! You're the moron they built to make me an idiot!
Wheatley : [continues punching the glass] Well how about now? NOW WHO'S A MORON? Could a MORON PUNCH! YOU! INTO! THIS! PIT? Huh? Could a moron do THAT?
[the elevator, with Chell and GLaDOS in it, breaks completely and falls down the shaft]
Wheatley : Uh-oh.
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Wheatley : There should be a portal device on that podium over there. I can't see it though. Maybe it fell off. Do you want to go and have a quick look?
[Chell falls through hole in the ground while examining the podium]
Wheatley : Whoah! Hello? Can you see the portal gun? Also, are you alive? That's important; should have asked that first. I'm - do you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to work on the assumption that you're still alive, and I'm just going to wait for you up ahead. I'll wait - I'll wait one hour. Then I'll come back, and, assuming I can locate your dead body, I'll bury you. All right? Brilliant! Go, team! See you in an hour! Hopefully! If you're not - dead.
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Wheatley : Most test subjects do experience some, uh, cognitive deterioration after a few months in suspension. Now, you've been under for quite a lot longer, and it's *not* out of the question that you might have a *very* minor case of serious brain damage! But don't be alarmed, all right? Uh, although if you do feel alarmed, try to hold on to that feeling because that is the proper reaction to being told that you've got brain damage.
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[last lines]
Space Core : [the Space Core is orbiting Wheatley; both are in space orbiting the Moon] So much space. Need to see it all.
Wheatley : I wish I could take it all back. I honestly do. I honestly do wish I could take it all back. And not just 'cause I'm stranded in space.
Space Core : I'm in space.
Wheatley : I know you are, mate! Yep, we're both in space.
Space Core : SPAAAAACE!
Wheatley : Anyway, you know, if I was ever to see her again, do you know what I'd say?
Space Core : I'm in space.
Wheatley : I'd say, "I'm sorry." Sincerely. I am sorry - I was bossy... and monstrous... And, I am genuinely sorry.
Space Core : I'm in space.
Wheatley : The end.
-
Wheatley : [Wheatley leads Chell through a dark area of the facility] Ah, brilliant! You made it through! Well done. Okay, follow me. We've still got work to do. At least she can't touch us back here.
[lights in the room start to go off one by one]
Wheatley : What's happening? Um... Hmm. Okay...
[it is now pitch black]
Wheatley : Okay, uh... Don't move.
[beat]
Wheatley : Okay, all right. So, I've got an idea, but it is *bloody* dangerous. Here we go...
[turns flashlight on]
Wheatley : AAAAH!
[looks around]
Wheatley : Oh, for God's - they told me that if I ever turned this flashlight on, I would *die!* They told me that about everything! I don't even know why they bother giving me this stuff if they didn't want me to use it; it's pointless! Mad!
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Wheatley : All right, so that last test was seriously disappointing. Apparently, being civil isn't motivating you, so let's try it her way, all right, fatty? Adopted... fatty! Fatty, fatty no parents?
GLaDOS : And...?
Wheatley : What?
GLaDOS : What exactly is wrong with being adopted?
Wheatley : What's wrong with being adopted? Um, well, uh, Lack of parents?
GLaDOS : [to Chell] For the record, you are adopted and that's terrible. Just work with me.
Wheatley : Some of my my best friends are actually orphans.
GLaDOS : Also, look at her, you moron. She's not fat.
Wheatley : I AM NOT A MORON! Just do the test; just do the test.
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Wheatley : Ooh. It's dark down here, isn't it? They say that the old caretaker of this place went absolutely crazy. Chopped up his entire staff - of robots - all of them robots! They say at night you can still hear the screams - of their replicas. All of them functionally indistinguishable from the originals... No memory of the incident... Nobody knows what they're screaming about. Ab-solutely terrifying. Though obviously not paranormal in any meaningful way.
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GLaDOS : Hey, Moron!
Wheatley : Oh, Hello.
GLaDOS : All right, Paradox time.
GLaDOS : [slowly and deliberately] This. Sentence. Is. FALSE.
[to herself]
GLaDOS : Don't think about it, don't think about it!
Wheatley : Um, true. I'll go with true. There, that was easy. To be honest, I might have heard that one before.
GLaDOS : It's a paradox! There IS no answer.
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Wheatley : Okay, listen, we should get our stories straight, all right? If anyone asks - and no one's gonna ask, don't worry - but if anyone asks, tell them as far as you know, the last time you checked, everyone looked pretty much alive, all right? Not dead.
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Oracle Turret : [Chell and Wheatley are making their way through the bowels of the Aperature Laboratries complex and encounter a turret stuck inside one of the pipes of the facility's pipe network] Hello?
Wheatley : Oh no...
Oracle Turret : Hello?
Wheatley : Yes, hello! No, we're not stopping!
Oracle Turret : Excuse me?
Wheatley : [whispers to Chell] Don't make eye contact, whatever you do.
Oracle Turret : Hello?
Wheatley : No thanks! We're good! Appreciate it!
[whispering to Chell]
Wheatley : Keep walking! Keep walking!
Oracle Turret : Thanks anyway.
-
Wheatley : I'll bet you're both dying to know what your big surprise is. Well, only TWO more chambers!
GLaDOS : We're running out of time. I think I can break us out of here in the next chamber. Just play along.
[Chell steps onto an Aerial Faith Plate, but it unexpectedly launches her and GLaDOS sideways into a series of other Plates and an Excursion Funnel toward Wheatley's area]
Wheatley : SURPRISE! We're doing it now.
GLaDOS : Okay, credit where it's due: for a little idiot built specifically to come up with stupid, unworkable plans, that was a pretty well-laid trap.
Wheatley : You've probably figured it out by now, but I don't need you anymore. I found two little robots back here, built specifically for testin'!
GLaDOS : Oh, no. He found the cooperative testing initiative. It's something I came up with to phase out human testing just before you escaped. It wasn't anything personal. Just, you know. You DID kill me. Fair's fair.
-
[Chell and Wheatley are standing on a catwalk above a pit filled with debris]
Wheatley : Jump! Actually, looking at it, that's quite a distance, isn't it? You know what? Go ahead and jump. You've got braces on your legs. No braces on your arms, though. Gonna have to rely on the old human strength to keep a grip on the device and, by extension, me. So do. Do make sure to maintain a grip. Also, a note: no braces on your spine, either, so don't land on that. Or your head. No braces there. That could split like a melon from this height.
[Nervous laugh]
Wheatley : Do definitely focus on landing with your legs.
-
Wheatley : Ta da! Only the Turret Control Center, thank you very much.
Announcer : [this announcer-turret cycle repeats continuously while Wheatley talks] Template.
Turret : Hello.
[turret on conveyor belt is scanned and checked against the master turret in booth]
Announcer : Response.
[turret on belt moves onward]
Wheatley : See that scanner right there?
Announcer : [occasionally, a defective turret will come through] Template.
Defective Turret : Hello?
Announcer : Response.
[the defective turret is catapulted into a trash chute]
Defective Turret : Ah, come on!
[or one of many other phrases]
Wheatley : It's deciding which turrets to keep and which to toss. And it's using that master template right there as a template. Now if we pull out the template turret, it will shut down the entire production line. Right, hmm... I'm gonna have to hack the door. So that we can get at it. Technical, um... You'll need to turn around while I do it. Turn around. I'll only be a second, if you wouldn't mind.
[Chell turns around; a crashing sound is heard]
Wheatley : Done! Hacked!
[the glass in the top half of the door has been smashed]
Wheatley : Okay, go on, just pull that other turret out.
[Chell uses portals to get inside and remove the template turret]
Wheatley : Well, that should do it!
Announcer : Template missing. Continuing from memory.
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Wheatley : [after meeting Chell, who has been in sleep stasis for many years] Most test subjects do experience some, um, cognitive deterioration after a few months in suspension. Now, you've been under for - quite a lot longer, and it's *not* out of the question that you might have a *very* minor case of - serious brain damage. But don't be alarmed, all right? Although if you do feel alarmed, try to hold onto that feeling, because that is the proper reaction to being told that you've got brain damage. Do you understand what I'm saying? At all? Does any of this make any sense? Just tell me, just say yes.
[Onscreen prompt: Space SPEAK; button is pressed, Chell jumps]
Wheatley : Okay, what you're doing there is jumping. Uh, you just jumped. But never mind; say apple. Apple!
[Onscreen prompt: Space SAY APPLE; button is pressed, Chell jumps again, a distant alarm starts going off]
Wheatley : Okay, you know what? That's close enough, just hold tight.
[Wheatley goes up his track into a hole in the ceiling]
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Defective Turret : [Chell grabs a defective turret flying through the air to the trash chute] Oh, thank god. You saved my bacon, pal. Where we going? Is this a jailbreak? I can't see a thing.
[She brings it back to the Turret Control Center where Wheatley is waiting]
Wheatley : What do you have there? What are you-...
[Chell places the defective turret on the scanner]
Wheatley : Oh, BRILLIANT! That's brilliant!
Announcer : New template accepted.
Wheatley : If we're lucky, she won't find out all her turrets are crap until it's too late.
[laughs]
Wheatley : Classic.
-
Wheatley : You two are going to *love* this big surprise. In fact, you might say that you're going to love it... to death. Love it... until you're, until it kills you. Until you're dead.
[chuckles]
Wheatley : Alright? I don't know whether... you're, uh, you're picking up on what I'm saying there, but...
GLaDOS : [weary] Yes, thanks. We get it.
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Wheatley : [about to crush Chell with a spike plate] Holmes vs. Moriarty, Aristotle vs. MASHY SPIKE PLATE!
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GLaDOS : [at the entrance to test room 12] Perfect. The door's malfunctioning. I bet somebody's going to have to repair that, too. No, don't get up. I'll be right back. Don't touch anything.
[GLaDOS "leaves"]
Wheatley : [outside a window] Hey, hey! Up here! I found some bird eggs up here; just dropped them into the door mechanism; shut it right down. I-...
[the bird suddenly swoops and attacks him]
Wheatley : Aaah! Bird! Bird! Bird! Bird!
[runs away and comes back a few seconds later]
Wheatley : Okay, that's probably the bird, isn't it? That laid the eggs! Livid! Okay, but the point is, we're going to break out of here, all right? Very soon, I promise, I promise. I just have to figure out how - to break us out of here. Here she comes! Keep testing; just keep testing. Remember, you never saw me. Never saw me.
[Leaves]
GLaDOS : [the door is now completely open] I went and spoke with the door mainframe. Let's just say he won't be - well, living anymore. Anyway, back to testing!
-
GLaDOS : [the system is attempting to swap GLaDOS for Wheatley] Stalemate detected. Transfer procedure cannot continue-...
GLaDOS : Yes!
Wheatley : Pull me out! Pull me out! Pull me out! Pull me out! Pull me out! Pull me out! Pull me out!
Announcer : - -unless a stalemate associate is present to press the stalemate resolution button.
[the room machinery starts to move]
Wheatley : Leave me in! Leave me in! Go press it!
GLaDOS : Don't. Do it.
Wheatley : Yes, do do it!
[Chell runs for the button in the adjacent room, but GLaDOS stops her with a panel coming out of the floor]
GLaDOS : Not so fast! Think about this. You need to be a trained stalemate associate to press that button. You're unqualified.
Wheatley : Don't listen to her! It IS true that you don't have the qualifications, but you've got something more important than that. A finger with which to press that button so that she won't kill us.
[Chell uses portals to get inside the room and past GLaDOS's floor panel blockage]
GLaDOS : Impersonating a stalemate associate. I just added that to the list. It's a list I made of all the things you've done. Well, it's a list that I AM making, because you're still doing things right now, even though I'm telling you to stop. Stop, by the way.
[Chell presses the button]
Announcer : Please return to the core transfer bay.
GLaDOS : AHH!
Announcer : Stalemate Resolved.
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Wheatley : [about to undergo a Core Transfer with GLaDOS] Here I go! Wait, what if this hurts? What if it REALLY hurts? Ohhh, I didn't think of that.
GLaDOS : Oh, it will. Believe me, it will.
Wheatley : Are you just saying that, or is it really going to hurt? You're just saying that, aren't you? No, you're not. It is going to hurt, isn't it? Exactly how painful are we - AGHHHHHH!
[the built-in systems begin to disassemble GLaDOS's head from her body from under the floor]
GLaDOS : GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME! NO! STOP! No! No! NO! NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-...
[Some panels hide the actual transfer and dump GLaDOS's head out on the floor near Chell; Wheatley comes out, now controlling GLaDOS's body]
Wheatley : Wowwwww! Check me out, partner! We did it! I'm in control of the whole facility now!
[Wheatley begins spinning around]
Wheatley : Whoa - ho, ho! Would you look at this. Not too bad, eh? Giant robot. Massive! It's not just me, right? I'm bloody massive, aren't I? Oh, Right! The escape lift! I'll call it now.
[a small elevator rises up]
Wheatley : There we go. Lift called.
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GLaDOS : [after GLaDOS recaptures Chell, she realizes that Chell and Wheatley have been sabotaging her turrets while away] Oh, you were busy back there. Well, I suppose we could just sit in this room and glare at each other until somebody drops dead, but I have a better idea.
[she extends a large clear pipe toward Chell]
GLaDOS : It's your old friend, deadly neurotoxin. If I were you, I'd take a deep breath. And hold it.
Wheatley : [Wheatley comes rolling down the pipe, which has no neurotoxin in it for a similar reason] Ooagh! GAH! Agh! Ugh! Enh! Agh! Ungh! Ow! Agh! Agh! Hello!
[lands]
GLaDOS : I hate you so much.
Announcer : Warning: central core is eighty percent corrupt.
GLaDOS : That's funny, I don't feel corrupt. In fact, I feel pretty good.
Announcer : Alternate core detected.
Wheatley : Oh! That's ME they're talking about!
Announcer : To initiate a core transfer, please deposit substitute core in receptacle.
GLaDOS : Core transfer? Oh, you are kidding me.
Wheatley : I've got an idea! Do what it says! plug me in!
GLaDOS : Do NOT plug that little idiot into MY mainframe.
Announcer : [Chell places Wheatley in the Substitute Core Transfer Receptacle] Core accepted. Substitute core, are you ready to start the procedure?
Wheatley : Yes!
Announcer : Corrupted core, are you ready to start the procedure?
GLaDOS : No!
Wheatley : Ohhhhhh, yes, she is.
GLaDOS : Nonononononono!
Announcer : Stalemate detected. Transfer procedure cannot continue.
-
Wheatley : [Wheatley has just seized control of the facility from GLaDOS] Look how small you are down there! I can barely see you! Very tiny and insignificant! Let me tell you, I knew it was gonna be cool being in charge of everything, but - wow, this is cool! And check this out! I'm a bloody genius now!
[deeper voice]
Wheatley : Estás usando este software de traducción de forma incorrecta. Por favor consulta el manual.
[Translated to You are using the system incorrectly, please refer to the manual for instructions]
Wheatley : [normal voice]
Wheatley : I don't even know what I just said! But I can find out! Oh, Sorry! The lift. Sorry, I keep forgetting.
[he starts the lift moving up]
Wheatley : This body is amazing, seriously! I can't get over how small you are! But I'm huge!
[he laughs, first jovial then turning to maniacal laugh]
Wheatley : [his laugh trails off] Actually, why do we have to leave right now?
[brings the lift down]
Wheatley : Do you have any idea how good this feels? I did this! Tiny little Wheatley did this!
GLaDOS : [sounding exhausted and disgruntled] You didn't do anything. She did all the work.
Wheatley : Oh, really? That's what the two of you think, is it? Well, maybe it's time I did something then.
[he uses the transfer tools to grab GLaDOS's head and pull her in]
GLaDOS : What are you doing? NO! NO! NO!
-
Wheatley : Okay, almost there. On the other side of that wall is one of the old testing tracks. There's a piece of equipment in there we're gonna need to get out of here. I think this is a docking station. Get ready...
[smashes into wall]
Wheatley : Good news: that is NOT a docking station. So there's one mystery solved. I'm going to attempt a manual override on this wall. Could get a bit technical! Hold on!
[smashes into wall, again]
-
GLaDOS : [Chell and GLaDOS exit the elevator to find a harpsichord piece by J.S. Bach playing on the speakers] Oh, no, he's playing classical music.
Wheatley : [They enter the testing room to hear the sound of pages being turned] Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry; Hope that didn't disturb you too much, there. It was the sound of books - pages being turned. So that's just what I was doing, just reading, uh, books. So not a moron. Anyway, just finished the last one, just now, the hardest one. Machiavelli. Do not know what all the fuss was about - understood it perfectly. Have you read that one?
GLaDOS : [disdainfully] Yes.
Wheatley : Yeah, decked it. Well, on with the test! Wished there was more books! But there's not.
-
[after breaking 2 monitors]
Wheatley : You know what I have too many of around here? Monitors. I was just thinking earlier today I wish I had fewer monitors that were working. So you're actually helping me by smashing them.
-
[after breaking 3 monitors]
Wheatley : To clarify, I was being a bit facetious about wanting to get rid of monitors. They're actually really quite useful. So I do want them around. So if you could avoid smashing them.
-
[after breaking 4 monitors]
Wheatley : Yes, alright, okay. This is getting tiresome. I'm surprised you haven't got anything better to do. I know I have. You've proven you can break screens. Proven. Factual. Well done. Good. Aren't you little miss clever. Little miss smashy smash.
-
[after breaking 5 monitors]
Wheatley : Does it actually make you feel good when you do that? Because it's not impressive. No one's impressed. It's just glass isn't it. Fragile. A baby could smash one of them. It's not impressive.
-
[after breaking 6 monitors]
Wheatley : You know, there are test subjects in Africa who don't even have monitors in their test chambers. Why don't you think of that before you break any more of them?
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[after breaking 7 monitors]
Wheatley : What is this, like a hobby for you now? I mean, honestly, it's crazy! You've been running around for hours. I'm surprised you have the energy to smash screens willy nilly. Honestly, I'd have a little lie down if I were you. Have a nap.
-
[after breaking 8 monitors]
Wheatley : It's hard to know, if I'm honest, to wonder if you're doing all this screen breaking on purpose. I'm beginning to actually take it personally. You know what I mean. It's like an insult to me.
-
[after breaking 9 monitors]
Wheatley : Oh, there goes another one. They're not inexpensive. I'd just like to point that out. It seem unfair to smash screens. You could give them to people. Instead of smashing them, unscrew them and give them to a homeless person. I don't know what a homeless person would do with one. But you get my point. And you can't unscrew them, they're bolted in. But - just stop it!
-
[after breaking 10 monitors]
Wheatley : It's not like I have hordes of replacement monitors just lying around back here in the old warehouse that I can just wheel out and bolt back on. I didn't order in loads of spare monitors thinking some crazy woman was going to go around smashing them all. Sorry if that's my fault. Sorry if I didn't have the forethought to think "oh she might go crazy one day and smash all the monitors instead of just getting on with things". Sorry I didn't think of that.
-
[after breaking 11 monitors]
Wheatley : They're not even your screens to break! It's vandalism! It's pure vandalism! You wouldn't do this if it was your house, would you? If I came around to your house smashin' your telly, you'd be furious. And rightly so. Unbelievable.
-
Wheatley : [Chell escapes Wheatley's spiked death trap] Where'd you go? Come back! Come back!
Wheatley : No, seriously, do come back. Come back, please.
Wheatley : [Chell actually comes back to the edge of the bottomless pit] Oh! You came back! Didn't plan for that, actually. Can't actually reset the death trap. So. Ah. Could you jump into that pit, there? Would you just jump into that pit for me?
Wheatley : Could you just jump into that pit? There. That deadly pit.
Wheatley : You're saying to yourself, 'Why should I jump into the pit?' I'll tell you why. Guess who's down there? Your parents! You're not adopted after all! It's your natural parents down there in the pit. Should have mentioned it before. But I didn't. So jump down and reunite with mommy and daddy.
Wheatley : Oh I'll tell you what's also down there. Your parents and... There's also an escape elevator!. Down there. Funny. I should have mentioned it before. But it's down there. So pop down. Jump down. You've got your folks down there and an escape elevator.
Wheatley : And what else is down there... Tell you what, it's only a new jumpsuit! A very trendy designer jumpsuit from France. Down there. And it's exactly your size. And if it's a bit baggy, we got a tailor down there as well who can take it in for you.
Wheatley : And what's this? A lovely handbag! And the three portal device! It's all down there!
Wheatley : Um. You've got a yacht. And... Boys! Loads of fellas. Hunky guys down there. Possibly even a boyfriend! Who's to say at this stage? But, a lot of good-looking fellas down there. And, ah, a boy band as well! They haven't seen a woman in years... And they're not picky at all. They don't care if you've got a bit of brain damage. If you've been running around sweating. And... A farm! A pony farm! And... just jump down, would ya?
GLaDOS : You really do have brain damage, don't you?
GLaDOS : I can't believe you came back.
Wheatley : [Chell actually jumps into the pit] Oh! Wow! Good! I did not think that was going to work.
