Grudge Match (2013)

Alan Arkin: Louis 'Lightning' Conlon

Photos 

Quotes 

• [from trailer] 

  Lightning : Hey Webster, show a little respect!

  Dante Slate, Jr. : I choose to believe that you just called me Webster because of my dictionary-sized vocabulary, *not* because of my height and race!

  Lightning : Nope, it's because you're short and black!

  Dante Slate, Jr. : What was Jesus like? I'm curious. Was he cool?

• [from trailer] 

  [Sharp throws a punch at a side of beef] 

  Lightning : *Hey!* What are you doing? We're just here to buy a little dinner. You don't have to punch everything!

• [Lightning brings a bucket of horse urine for Razor] 

  Henry 'Razor' Sharp : I'm not putting my hands in horse urine!

  Lightning : So you're telling me you're a better boxer than Jack Dempsey? Every day, Jack Dempsey would soak his hands in horse urine! And nobody ever had a tougher punch than Jack Dempsey!

  Henry 'Razor' Sharp : [resigned]  Did you heat it up? Or is it fresh?

  [dips his fists in the bucket] 

  Lightning : It's vinegar, I'm kidding!... It's urine!

  [Razor pulls his fist out] 

  Lightning : It's vinegar!

  [in] 

  Lightning : It's urine!

  [out] 

  Lightning : It's vinegar!

  [in] 

  Lightning : It's urine!

  [out] 

  Lightning : It's vinegar!

  [in] 

  Henry 'Razor' Sharp : Hey, come on!

• [from trailer] 

  Lightning : [splashes water on Razor]  Time to train!

  Henry 'Razor' Sharp : What have I done?

• Henry 'Razor' Sharp : Listen, uh, your thing. Turn it down.

  Lightning : Oh, the hearing aid. Goddamn thing drives me crazy, feels like R2-freaking-D2!

• Lightning : [unwilling to have a male nurse]  What kind of man knowingly takes a job where he's gotta wash another man's balls?

  Henry 'Razor' Sharp : He's a hero a far as I'm concerned, pal.

• Lightning : Why don't you have a TV? I watch "Dancing with the Stars"! I'm an old man, I need to watch "Dancing with the Stars"!

• Lightning : Call it!

  [throws a coin in the air] 

  Henry 'Razor' Sharp : Hey, I never saw it coming, come on...

  [Lightning raises a hand, and slaps him] 

  Lightning : When were you going to tell me you were blind in one eye?

• [last lines] 

  Lightning : [on the phone]  Bullshit! Fix! Who paid off those judges?

  Henry 'Razor' Sharp : Light! Light, we WON!

  Lightning : What? Who did? What?

  Henry 'Razor' Sharp : We won!

  Lightning : We won? Get the hell out of here!

  Henry 'Razor' Sharp : Heh, no!

  Lightning : Goddamn hearing aid!

• Lightning : You got an iPad?

  Henry 'Razor' Sharp : Nah, I got a regular couch.

• Lightning : You doing real good, you big pussy!

  Henry 'Razor' Sharp : That's not helping.

  Lightning : It's okay, I'm eight hundred years old, I say what I want.

• Henry 'Razor' Sharp : You remember the first thing you said to me? I did.

  Lightning : I said you looked like a garbage salesman come to take out the trash.

  [later on] 

  Lightning : You know why I said that garbage thing? I didn't want your head to get swelled up, you were so goddamn good.

• Lightning : [sees Razor and Sally together]  Strange how life works out, huh? Oh, I'm flashing on to a stripper I knew once in Korea. She never charged me, not even for the most daring requests. I keep hoping I'd run into her again someday. Her and her ping-pong ball...

  Henry 'Razor' Sharp : Ooh. Hey.

  Lightning : I'm just saying, seeing the two of you together gives me hope.

• Lightning : Oh for God's sakes, call her up!

  Henry 'Razor' Sharp : What are you talking about?

  Lightning : Deal with Sally, or your head won't be clear and she's gonna screw up your fight again!

  Henry 'Razor' Sharp : What do you mean, again?

  Lightning : Oh, for God's sakes. A guy has sex with my girl, I want to knock his teeth out! Why didn't you?

  Henry 'Razor' Sharp : Because Kid loved boxing. I wanted to take from him the one thing he cared about most, because that's what he took from me.

  Lightning : Well, you sure have a funny way of showing it.

  Henry 'Razor' Sharp : You're my buddy. But be careful where you're going, because you don't know anything about it.

  Lightning : Forgive me, but you keep talking about how much she meant to you. All I remember is you would show up at the gym first thing in the morning, you would be the last person to leave at night. You didn't have time for anybody or anything. You blamed her for ruining the relationship. Well, maybe the real problem was you.

• Henry 'Razor' Sharp : I'm ready!

  Lightning : Yeah. You're the one-eyed monster.

• Lightning : We're gonna focus on your endurance and your speed, so you get so fast he's gonna crawl right back up into his mama's vagina.

  [some female athletes stare at Lightning, scandalized] 

  Henry 'Razor' Sharp : Hey, Light!

  Lightning : What?

• Lightning : Not only did you put Sally at risk, if he finds out he can hit you on the right he can kill you!

  Henry 'Razor' Sharp : Then I go to my left. I need to do this, Light.

  Lightning : Look, I know you're doing this for my sake. And I appreciate it, believe me. It's too dangerous. We gotta call off the fight.

• Lightning : [to Razor]  Well, I'll never call you pussy again. Stupid maybe.

• [at the fight, Lightning gets out of his scooter] 

  Lightning : You see all that heat out there? I'm getting some snapper tonight!

  Dante Slate, Jr. : I think I just threw up in my mouth...

• Lightning : I want my two sleeping pills.

  Henry 'Razor' Sharp : It's 10 in the morning.

  Lightning : Then I want four. I wanna be dreaming of all them hookers that you deprived me of.

• [Razor is about to punch the meat in the store] 

  Lightning : Hey, what are you doing?

  Henry 'Razor' Sharp : I thought you wanted me to hit this.

  Lightning : What are you gonna do? Beat up the meat? That's not sanitary. *No*, we're just here to buy a little dinner. You don't have to punch everything.