Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Nostalgic Commercials (2010)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic

Quotes 

• Nostalgia Critic : [as Barney]  Hey, Fred, how can we celebrate Christmas if Jesus isn't born yet?

  Nostalgia Critic : [as Fred]  Just eat your fucking cereal.

• Nostalgia Critic : Speaking of awesome, why the hell is there no more Ecto Cooler in the world? This was, like, the coolest drink ever. And, by God, it was the only good thing that snot-bubble Slimer ever produced. Though speaking of which, what are we supposed to assume that stuff is? I mean, did the best thing to come out of Slimer literally come out of Slimer? Oh my God, we could be drinking Slimer splooge! He already looks like a giant sperm, it's like, the sperm of sperm or... DAH, I don't even want to think about it! Ah, screw it, whatever it was, it was incredible. It lasted a real long time, but at some point, they discontinued it, and by God, were we pissed off.

• Nostalgia Critic : I keep hearing they're going to make a new Ghost Busters movie some time soon, and I'm telling you right now, if they do not do a crossover with Ghost Busters III and bring Ecto Cooler back, somebody really will be a fucking ghost.

• Announcer : Could that be Mom on the Wet Banana? It is!

  Nostalgia Critic : Mom! Get off my Wet Banana! What would Dad say?

• Kid : [turns off TV]  I love Fraggle Rock!

  Nostalgia Critic : Then why'd you turn it off?

• Female Announcer : Magic Potty Baby and her magic potty. No water, no mess.

  Nostalgia Critic : Just pray that thing doesn't have to go number two.

• Female Announcer : It's fun to help Magic Potty Baby learn to use her potty.

  Nostalgia Critic : No, it's not! It's fucking gross! God, and they say boys can be disgusting!

  [shudders] 

• Nostalgia Critic : [re: Chia Pet]  You know how they say something is so boring they'd rather watch grass grow? Well, now they make a toy out of it. They made a toy out of watching grass grow. That's how bored, apparently, we got.

• Nostalgia Critic : Get this: when Nintendo was all the rage, they actually made a Nintendo cereal. Yeah, it wasn't a Mario cereal or a Zelda cereal, it was just Nintendo in general. What a weird idea. It's kind of like making Internet the cereal, isn't it? Though it would probably be the first cereal where you have to be over 18 to eat it.

• Nostalgia Critic : Oh, Sergeant Slaughter, you represent a simpler time, when your last name could also represent illegal war crimes or when your biggest problem was not collecting the latest action set. Fight the good fight, Sergeant Slaughter!

• Nostalgia Critic : [re: Apple Jacks]  You remember these commercials, right? I know it starts off with a group of kids eating the cereal when some snooty know-it-all always asks why they like eating it if it doesn't tastes apples. She has a good point; why the hell doesn't it taste like apples? It's like if Cocoa Puffs tasted like oat bran. It's kind of false advertising.

• Female Announcer : Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia!

  Nostalgia Critic : B-B-B-Bullshit!

• Nostalgia Critic : [re: Crossfire game]  Oh, this ad was unbelievable. This is one of the most fucking epic commercials ever put on television. Look at it! It's set in this apocalyptic future, where the fate of the world rests in the hands of two kids who set at a table and throw marbles at even bigger marbles. It's like the world of Tron if it was run by Lucas. It's the most badass commercial ever! Go, Billy! The fate of Armageddon lies in your hands!

• Nostalgia Critic : How about Popples? That was a clever idea. It was a series of sports balls that could be turned into cuddly creatures. This raises a few questions, though. Like, why were they playing with a furry pillow-like ball to begin with?

  [looks offscreen] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Hey! You got our basketball?

  [pretends to hold a basketball] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, wow! That's a hairy fucker! It doesn't bounce in the slightest! This'll do us well!

  [continues] 

  Nostalgia Critic : And then, of course, when they go after the ball... well, shit, he's got a supernatural creature that hasn't been discovered by science yet, but where's that darn ball? Also, I felt bad playing with these because I always felt like I was giving the Popples a migraine. I mean, you're kicking them around, throwing them. Doesn't that hurt?

  [the balls become the Popples] 

  Nostalgia Critic : The Popples wouldn't come out like this. They'd look more like this.

  [the Popples are seen beaten up and covered in bandages and slings] 

  Nostalgia Critic : But oh well, you can't fault it on still being a clever product.

• Nostalgia Critic : Oh, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Pies. I remember when the line "fresh from the sewer" actually sounded appetizing.

  Announcer : [on TV]  Fresh from the sewers to you!

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, God, is this the only thing to bring me pleasure, just pure, pathetic nostalgia? I'm a wreck!

  Dino-Rob : Aw, there, there, Critic. It's not so bad.

  Nostalgia Critic : It is so bad! Get outta here!

  Dino-Rob : Fine, fine. I'm a dinosaur.

• Announcer : Santa has a very special Christmas message he wants everyone to hear.

  Nostalgia Critic : I don't think they do these anymore, but a long, long time ago, they used to have hotlines for everything.

  Announcer : Call 1-900-909-4300. Two dollars, first minute, 45 cents each additional.

  Nostalgia Critic : Look at that, just two dollars for the first minute and only 45 cents every additional minute. It's pretty fucking costly for the 1980s!

  Announcer : And Santa needs your help to spread the Christmas cheer. Be a Santa's helper.

  Nostalgia Critic : I always remember: you call him up and some jerk-off would talk as slowly as possible so he can make sure that he eats up your time and your fucking money. What a dick cock!

  Announcer : Get your parents' permission to call Santa's special phone number now.

  Nostalgia Critic : Actually, this sorta takes on a different meaning nowadays, doesn't it? When you make a call that costs money, there's usually a different idea behind it. And the idea of Santa being a part of that is pretty freaking creepy.

• Nostalgia Critic : [re: Apple Jacks]  And then they all end with the kids taking a picture together. But my absolute favorite is the caption at the bottom: "Apple Jacks '94". Somebody actually looked at this picture and called it "Apple Jacks '94", as if to say, "Yeah. I remember that summer. That was the summer of Apple Jacks. The summer where anything was possible. The summer where boys became men and girls became women. That was Apple Jacks. I know; I wrote it on the picture."

• Nostalgia Critic : [as He-Man]  Fabulous stories about what I may or may not be wearing will be revealed to you when you hold aloft your mighty phone and say: "I got parents' permission! I HAVE PERMISSION!"

• Nostalgia Critic : [talking like the TV in the Fraggle Rock books commercial]  I'm so confident you won't stop watching me, that I'm just giving you books!

  [laughs evilly] 

  Nostalgia Critic : You can't break your addiction of me! I won't die until the Internet's invented! I've got ten more years, suckers!

  [laughs evilly again] 

• Nostalgia Critic : [feeling miserable]  Oh. Hello. I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so...

  [he stuffs his face with a cookie] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Well, ever since last week when the comments were made by the director of "My Pet Monster", I've been doing a little thinking, asking myself some questions, like... What the fuck am I doing with my life? Is this really what I wanna be? This pathetic loser? So, I do what I always do when I get really depressed. I watch old nostalgic TV.

• Nostalgia Critic : [about the Nintendo cereal]  It wasn't just called Nintendo Cereal. It was called the Nintendo Cereal System. What the hell does that mean? Do you really have to put the word "System" at the end? Are we really gonna confuse this Nintendo for another Nintendo?

  Announcer : Nintendo Cereal System is a super part of this nutritious breakfast.

  Nostalgia Critic : Ohh, you meant the Nintendo Entertainment System! I thought you meant the... Animatronic Horse That Only Eats Toothpaste and Circus Midgets. It's very big in Sweden.

• Nostalgia Critic : [about Burger King kids meals]  Just like today, fast food joints handed out toys with their kids meals, and sometimes you get a cup, like these He-Man ones at Burger King. They always told epic stories, or, at least, as much as they could, being on a cup. And here's my favorite part of the commercial: The kids get the cups, and what do they do? Use them as swords. Man, those must be some pretty ghetto kids! I mean, was a stick really too expensive to use as a sword, so you have to use these? Were these your birthday gifts after they took you to the Dollar Store? Hardcore, kids. Hardcore.