Peep Show (TV Series)

Seasonal Beatings (2010)

David Mitchell: Mark Corrigan

Quotes 

• Mark Corrigan : Where's the turkey, Jeremy?

  Jeremy Usborne : What?

  Mark Corrigan : The turkey. Where's the turkey?

  Jeremy Usborne : I thought you were getting the turkey.

  Mark Corrigan : You what?

  [starts shouting] 

  Mark Corrigan : NO TURKEY? You fucking idiot, Jeremy! You total fucking idiot! That was YOUR job, you fucking moron! You cretin! YOU'RE A FUCKHEAD! THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE! A FUCKING SHITHEAD!

  [Jeremy looks very hurt] 

  Jeremy Usborne : [quiet voice]  It was a joke, Mark. I was joking. It was a Christmas joke.

  Mark Corrigan : Oh, I see... oh.

  Jeremy Usborne : Of course I've got a turkey. It's an organic turkey, I took ages researching it online. It's going to be delicious.

  [he opens the fridge to reveal the turkey inside] 

  Mark Corrigan : [guilty]  That looks like a lovely turkey. I'm sorry, I... flew off the handle a bit.

  Jeremy Usborne : [still on the verge of tears]  That wasn't very Christmassy.

  Mark Corrigan : No, it wasn't. I apologize.

• Mark Corrigan : [unwrapping his Christmas present from Dobby]  Oh, right, yeah, the FlashFoward box set.

  Dobby : It's meant to be amazing. Shall we do it this week?

  Mark Corrigan : Uh, sure, it's just... we watched all the Losts and they were somewhat OK, and Heroes had some interesting themes, but also quite a lot of not-so-interesting themes, and Prison Break... by the end I very much felt I wanted to break out of the prison that Prison Break had become for us, and it's just... don't you think maybe we should... go out?

  Dobby : [disappointed by Mark's reaction]  Where to?

  Mark Corrigan : To... not the theatre obviously, but... the National Army Museum?

  Dobby : You'd rather go to the National Army Museum than stay in bed and watch FlashFoward and drink brandy? Are you bonkers?

• Mark Corrigan : Now obviously, this is a fucking disaster, but Dobby's staying. For Christmas.

  Jeremy Usborne : Right. Lovely. The more, the merrier.

  Mark Corrigan : Exactly. The more, the merrier, they said as another poor soul was crammed into the Black Hole of Calcutta.

• Dan Corrigan : Now, where's the cauliflower?

  Mark Corrigan : Cauliflower is not traditional, Dad.

  Dan Corrigan : [shouts]  CAULIFLOWER IS TRADITIONAL!

  [a very awkward silence falls upon the table] 

  Dobby : I don't know if it really is traditional, actually.

  Dan Corrigan : Could you not slip a muzzle on your woman, please, Mark?

  [Dobby's jaw drops. The silence continues] 

  Mark Corrigan : [voiceover]  I notice I'm not saying anything.

  Mark Corrigan : Ahhhh...

  Mark Corrigan : [voiceover]  Still not saying anything...

  [Dobby looks at him, waiting for him to say something] 

  Mark Corrigan : [voiceover]  Nothing coming...

  Dobby : [getting up]  You'll have to excuse me. Thank you, this has all been horrible.

• Mark Corrigan : [looking at the oversized Christmas tree in their lounge, bent over and scraping the ceiling at the top]  Oh, wow. So, you got it in, in the end. It's quite a specimen.

  Jeremy Usborne : Mmm-hmm. Quite a specimen. I thought about trimming the top off but it felt like I was castrating Christmas, you know? Chopping Santa's bollocks off.

• Sarah : Merry Christmas, Mark, I'm shattered, can I have a glass of champagne?

  Mark Corrigan : Of course, Cava's just through there.

  Sarah : Cava? Ugh.

  Mark Corrigan : [voiceover]  Great. Five seconds before the first disappointment. Got that in early.

• Dan Corrigan : [spills his drink]  Oh, for fudge's sake!

  Mark Corrigan : It's OK, Dad, the carpet's seen worse.

  Sarah : You Jezzed the carpet just like you Jezzed the directions, Dad!

  [she and Pam giggle. Mark looks uncomfortable] 

  Jeremy Usborne : Erm, Jezzed?

  Pam Corrigan : We got it from Mark, didn't we, Mark?

  Jeremy Usborne : Oh, right. So, uh... it's when you...

  Pam Corrigan : When you get something wrong - he Jezzed it.

  Dan Corrigan : Total balls-up, a real Jezzing.

  Jeremy Usborne : Right. Yeah. Yeah, that is funny. Sort of a bit like being famous.

  [the doorbell rings] 

  Jeremy Usborne : I'll go and see who that is. Let's hope I don't Jez it, or do a big Mark in my pants.

• [Jeremy answers the door. It's Super Hans] 

  Super Hans : Happy Christmas, motherfucker.

  Jeremy Usborne : Hans!

  Super Hans : Have a guess what Santa's got in his sack.

  [reaches inside his bag and takes out a bundle of marijuana] 

  Super Hans : Answer: a wicked big bag of sinister minister.

  Jeremy Usborne : [taking it]  Ah. Happy Christmas.

  Mark Corrigan : Hans?

  Super Hans : Merry Christmas, Mark.

  Mark Corrigan : Jeremy...

  Jeremy Usborne : [quietly, to Mark]  I'm not going to.

  Mark Corrigan : Well, don't.

  Sarah : Super Hans! Merry Christmas, glass of Cava?

  Super Hans : [coming in]  Don't mind if I do. Mind out boys, Father Spliffmas coming through.

  Mark Corrigan : [voiceover]  Great. Methadone in the mulled wine.

  Jeremy Usborne : What?

  Mark Corrigan : It's your fault.

  Jeremy Usborne : It's not my fault. I was holding the line.

  Mark Corrigan : Yes, but you know him. You shouldn't know him.

  Jeremy Usborne : Well, I'm sorry, but I do know him.

  Mark Corrigan : [voiceover]  Ugh. Merry migraine and a happy new stomach ulcer.

• Mark Corrigan : [voiceover]  My mother is giving me socks depicting a sexual position I have never even attempted. How little she knows me.

• Super Hans : Oi, Mrs C, answer me this, have you ever had a parrot?

  Pam Corrigan : Err... no.

  Super Hans : It's just you look like you might enjoy a cock-or-two.

  Pam Corrigan : [laughs]  Oh! That's very cheeky, Hans.

  Mark Corrigan : [voiceover]  This is the spirit of Christmas, Super Hans bonking Mum doggy-style in the airing cupboard.

• Mark Corrigan : Dobby, where do you see yourself in 5 years? I mean, for example, would you want to learn sailing at all? Or golf?

  Dobby : I wouldn't mind getting a strap-on and you and me spit-roasting Cameron for the Boden catalogue. Was that the sort of thing you have in mind?

  Mark Corrigan : [voiceover]  She is great. But where does it end? With us sailing the Caribbean, checking our pension pot online? Or much more likely trying to scrape a living on pub quiz machines from our vast knowledge of popular culture and bar snacks?

• Mark Corrigan : [trying out the second-hand paper shredder his dad has given him for Christmas]  I guess it is time to move to cross-cut, my old strip-cut was probably a security risk to be honest.

  Dan Corrigan : That's a real shredder, not a Nancy boy shredder.

  Mark Corrigan : [voiceover]  Ugh, the office equipment homophobe.

• Dan Corrigan : Have these sprouts been done properly?

  Jeremy Usborne : Yes.

  Dan Corrigan : I can't see any little crosses in their bottoms.

  Jeremy Usborne : Well, they're definitely there.

  Mark Corrigan : Yep.

  [voiceover] 

  Mark Corrigan : Definitely not! Truth and reconciliation commission after all this. Full enquiry. Savile, not Hutton.

• Mark Corrigan : Merry Christ-Mark everyone!