- Mark Corrigan: Where's the turkey, Jeremy?
- Jeremy Usborne: What?
- Mark Corrigan: The turkey. Where's the turkey?
- Jeremy Usborne: I thought you were getting the turkey.
- Mark Corrigan: You what?
- [starts shouting]
- Mark Corrigan: NO TURKEY? You fucking idiot, Jeremy! You total fucking idiot! That was YOUR job, you fucking moron! You cretin! YOU'RE A FUCKHEAD! THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE! A FUCKING SHITHEAD!
- [Jeremy looks very hurt]
- Jeremy Usborne: [quiet voice] It was a joke, Mark. I was joking. It was a Christmas joke.
- Mark Corrigan: Oh, I see... oh.
- Jeremy Usborne: Of course I've got a turkey. It's an organic turkey, I took ages researching it online. It's going to be delicious.
- [he opens the fridge to reveal the turkey inside]
- Mark Corrigan: [guilty] That looks like a lovely turkey. I'm sorry, I... flew off the handle a bit.
- Jeremy Usborne: [still on the verge of tears] That wasn't very Christmassy.
- Mark Corrigan: No, it wasn't. I apologize.
- [During a game of Charades]
- Dan Corrigan: Jez, over here. Got one for you.
- [whispers in Jeremy's ear]
- Dan Corrigan: Thus Spake Zarathustra.
- Jeremy Usborne: Excuse me?
- Dan Corrigan: It's a book by Nietzsche.
- [he grins wickedly]
- Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] Oh, great. Fucking thanks, Dan. Thus? No. Spake? No. Zarathustra? Nope.
- [he starts flapping his arms like a chicken]
- Super Hans: Chicken Run.
- Jeremy Usborne: Correct.
- [he goes to sit back down]
- Dan Corrigan: But...
- Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] Fuck you, Dan.
- [out loud, innocently]
- Jeremy Usborne: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you said Chicken Run.
- Mark Corrigan: [unwrapping his Christmas present from Dobby] Oh, right, yeah, the FlashFoward box set.
- Dobby: It's meant to be amazing. Shall we do it this week?
- Mark Corrigan: Uh, sure, it's just... we watched all the Losts and they were somewhat OK, and Heroes had some interesting themes, but also quite a lot of not-so-interesting themes, and Prison Break... by the end I very much felt I wanted to break out of the prison that Prison Break had become for us, and it's just... don't you think maybe we should... go out?
- Dobby: [disappointed by Mark's reaction] Where to?
- Mark Corrigan: To... not the theatre obviously, but... the National Army Museum?
- Dobby: You'd rather go to the National Army Museum than stay in bed and watch FlashFoward and drink brandy? Are you bonkers?
- Mark Corrigan: Now obviously, this is a fucking disaster, but Dobby's staying. For Christmas.
- Jeremy Usborne: Right. Lovely. The more, the merrier.
- Mark Corrigan: Exactly. The more, the merrier, they said as another poor soul was crammed into the Black Hole of Calcutta.
- Jeremy Usborne: Hello, Sarah. Happy Christmas.
- Sarah: It could be, if you play your cards right.
- Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] Ugh, not Sarah, not again. Ding Dong Merrily on my dong, the Christmas elves are weeping.
- Dan Corrigan: Now, where's the cauliflower?
- Mark Corrigan: Cauliflower is not traditional, Dad.
- Dan Corrigan: [shouts] CAULIFLOWER IS TRADITIONAL!
- [a very awkward silence falls upon the table]
- Dobby: I don't know if it really is traditional, actually.
- Dan Corrigan: Could you not slip a muzzle on your woman, please, Mark?
- [Dobby's jaw drops. The silence continues]
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] I notice I'm not saying anything.
- Mark Corrigan: Ahhhh...
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Still not saying anything...
- [Dobby looks at him, waiting for him to say something]
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Nothing coming...
- Dobby: [getting up] You'll have to excuse me. Thank you, this has all been horrible.
- Mark Corrigan: [looking at the oversized Christmas tree in their lounge, bent over and scraping the ceiling at the top] Oh, wow. So, you got it in, in the end. It's quite a specimen.
- Jeremy Usborne: Mmm-hmm. Quite a specimen. I thought about trimming the top off but it felt like I was castrating Christmas, you know? Chopping Santa's bollocks off.
- Sarah: Merry Christmas, Mark, I'm shattered, can I have a glass of champagne?
- Mark Corrigan: Of course, Cava's just through there.
- Sarah: Cava? Ugh.
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Great. Five seconds before the first disappointment. Got that in early.
- Pam Corrigan: [about a play she's written] It's about this group of young people who are very sexually repressed. But they become less and less repressed due to the influence of this wise, twinkly old Jamaican woman, who leads them through a series of experiences.
- Dan Corrigan: You've got to have a Jamaican if you're going to chase the funding. 'Elf and Safety, innit?
- Dan Corrigan: [spills his drink] Oh, for fudge's sake!
- Mark Corrigan: It's OK, Dad, the carpet's seen worse.
- Sarah: You Jezzed the carpet just like you Jezzed the directions, Dad!
- [she and Pam giggle. Mark looks uncomfortable]
- Jeremy Usborne: Erm, Jezzed?
- Pam Corrigan: We got it from Mark, didn't we, Mark?
- Jeremy Usborne: Oh, right. So, uh... it's when you...
- Pam Corrigan: When you get something wrong - he Jezzed it.
- Dan Corrigan: Total balls-up, a real Jezzing.
- Jeremy Usborne: Right. Yeah. Yeah, that is funny. Sort of a bit like being famous.
- [the doorbell rings]
- Jeremy Usborne: I'll go and see who that is. Let's hope I don't Jez it, or do a big Mark in my pants.
- [Jeremy answers the door. It's Super Hans]
- Super Hans: Happy Christmas, motherfucker.
- Jeremy Usborne: Hans!
- Super Hans: Have a guess what Santa's got in his sack.
- [reaches inside his bag and takes out a bundle of marijuana]
- Super Hans: Answer: a wicked big bag of sinister minister.
- Jeremy Usborne: [taking it] Ah. Happy Christmas.
- Mark Corrigan: Hans?
- Super Hans: Merry Christmas, Mark.
- Mark Corrigan: Jeremy...
- Jeremy Usborne: [quietly, to Mark] I'm not going to.
- Mark Corrigan: Well, don't.
- Sarah: Super Hans! Merry Christmas, glass of Cava?
- Super Hans: [coming in] Don't mind if I do. Mind out boys, Father Spliffmas coming through.
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Great. Methadone in the mulled wine.
- Jeremy Usborne: What?
- Mark Corrigan: It's your fault.
- Jeremy Usborne: It's not my fault. I was holding the line.
- Mark Corrigan: Yes, but you know him. You shouldn't know him.
- Jeremy Usborne: Well, I'm sorry, but I do know him.
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Ugh. Merry migraine and a happy new stomach ulcer.
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] My mother is giving me socks depicting a sexual position I have never even attempted. How little she knows me.
- Super Hans: Oi, Mrs C, answer me this, have you ever had a parrot?
- Pam Corrigan: Err... no.
- Super Hans: It's just you look like you might enjoy a cock-or-two.
- Pam Corrigan: [laughs] Oh! That's very cheeky, Hans.
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] This is the spirit of Christmas, Super Hans bonking Mum doggy-style in the airing cupboard.
- Mark Corrigan: Dobby, where do you see yourself in 5 years? I mean, for example, would you want to learn sailing at all? Or golf?
- Dobby: I wouldn't mind getting a strap-on and you and me spit-roasting Cameron for the Boden catalogue. Was that the sort of thing you have in mind?
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] She is great. But where does it end? With us sailing the Caribbean, checking our pension pot online? Or much more likely trying to scrape a living on pub quiz machines from our vast knowledge of popular culture and bar snacks?
- Mark Corrigan: [trying out the second-hand paper shredder his dad has given him for Christmas] I guess it is time to move to cross-cut, my old strip-cut was probably a security risk to be honest.
- Dan Corrigan: That's a real shredder, not a Nancy boy shredder.
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Ugh, the office equipment homophobe.
- Dan Corrigan: Have these sprouts been done properly?
- Jeremy Usborne: Yes.
- Dan Corrigan: I can't see any little crosses in their bottoms.
- Jeremy Usborne: Well, they're definitely there.
- Mark Corrigan: Yep.
- [voiceover]
- Mark Corrigan: Definitely not! Truth and reconciliation commission after all this. Full enquiry. Savile, not Hutton.