- Walden Schmidt: I'm sorry you had to find out this way.
- Alan Harper: Oh, really? Really? How would you have liked me to hear it? Twitter? Facebook? A singing telegram?
- [sings]
- Alan Harper: Ta-ra-ra boom dee yay! I banged your girl today! 'Cause I'm a billionaire, I still have all my hair!
- Alan Harper: [after Berta laughing out loud] What's funny?
- Berta: From where you're standing? Nothing.
- Jake Harper: I'm gonna take Walden's car over to Megan's and see if it helps me to slide into 'home'.
- Alan Harper: Wear protection!
- Jake Harper: I'm wearing it now!
- Alan Harper: [screaming] Hey, hey! I'm still here! I mean, how... how could you do this? How could you have an affair while I'm locked in the booby hatch!
- Berta: I thought it was a stress clinic?
- Alan Harper: [screaming even louder] Everybody knows what it was! I lost my freaking mind! But, luckily, now I'm better! So I have the tools to cope with whatever life throws at me!
- Jake Harper: [Jake is driving Alan home from what Alan refers to as the 'stress clinic', and everyone else calls 'the nuthouse'] Hey, is it too soon to talk to you about something important?
- Alan Harper: You can talk to me about anything. I have the tools to cope.
- Jake Harper: Cool. Remember Megan?... Well, we've been going out for awhile now and all of a sudden she's saying she wants to see other people. But, I wanna keep it, you know, monotonous.