Contrary to the general tone of my reviews, I do not like leaving negative reviews, especially not on good tv shows. I much prefer the episodes where I can just gush for HOURS about everything I like. Legends of Tomorrow's 100th episodes with an obscenely long name was like that, had a couple Stargirl episodes like that, the WandaVision finale was like that. Heck, if I'd left a review on this show's "Bizarros in a Bizarro World" I would've gone off about how great of an episode that was! I don't like leaving negative reviews. I really, really don't. But when it came to this episode, I can *kinda* see what they were trying to do, but the longer they tried doing it the more annoying it got.
Case in point, the title of this review. Sorry Lois, but no matter how much you want Lana to be your friend, that does not mean that it was *your* secret to tell.
I know it's a running gag on The Flash about how everyone in Central City knows Barry Allen is the Flash, but we have to remember that in the older seasons Barry telling someone he's the Flash was a big deal. It didn't happen very often, and when it did it wasn't for no reason. Except for that one guy in "The Flash is Born" where Barry did it exclusively to win a (imdb's gonna censor me if I use the word I actually wanted to use)-measuring contest. The show's not perfect, guys. But back then, it was always treated as *Barry's* secret! Joe didn't tell Eddie that Barry was the Flash. It was Barry's call to loop Eddie in on the plan. HR didn't tell Tracy Brand that Barry was the Flash. It was Barry's call since they were trusting Tracy with Iris's life. Barry chose to tell Linda Park his identity because he needed her to trust him one-hundred percent to get their plan to draw out Zoom to work. Barry's identity being revealed had some weight to it. Why? Because it was *his* secret to tell. So every time that his identity gets revealed and he tells another person his secret, the number of people that have to keep their mouths shut about it keeps getting larger. And so far on Superman and Lois, that idea has held true. The fact that Clark waited multiple years to tell Lois that he was Superman was implicit enough. And it's not like this season's been coy about the idea of Clark's identity getting revealed with Jordan wanting to tell Sarah that he's Superboy from the season's third episode, and Clark publicly going as Kal-El in the Bizarro World.
So then tell me Lana, why is it *Lois's* fault that Clark didn't tell you he's Superman? Because this is a CW show and we need to force some drama instead of having Lana act like a normal, rational human being? Wow, it really does seem like I'm reviewing an episode of The Flash again, huh? I'm sorry Lana, but you clearly don't understand how the secret identity thing works. Much like how your daughter doesn't understand how cheating on your boyfriend and making him uncomfortable works, I guess. That's *Clark's* secret to tell. Not Lois's! Lois is in no place to tell you "Oh by the way, that guy that liked you in high school is Superman"! And I believe that the show wants to understand that, because Lana doesn't actually blame Clark for keeping the secret. It's like the show *wants* to treat Lana like a real person and have her try to understand why Clark kept his secret, but they *have* to keep the Cushing family involved in the season in some capacity after Lana's mayoral run storyline ended, and they decided that this was the way to do it. And I'm sorry, but this episode just disappointed me with the execution of that cliffhanger. I basically called how it was gonna end up, though I thought she was gonna be mad at Clark and she was mad at Lois for no reason instead. Go figure. Give me half a point I guess.
I actually think that Naomi did a better job handling the identity reveal than this show. Say what you want about that show in general, but in the episode "Worst Prom Ever" Naomi tells Nathan her secret, and though the dialogue is a bit cringey, I actually think it's a more realistic take on what would actually happen. Nathan didn't throw it in Naomi's face, he didn't call her a liar or a terrible person, he didn't whine because "you lied to me". No, he takes it like an emotionally mature adult and that doesn't mean that keeping the secret had no impact. It means that now that the secret is out, the team can operate at one-hundred percent and figure out a plan now that they're all on the same page. That's how the superhero identity reveal should work! That's how it worked with Barry's identity reveals to Eddie, Tracy and Linda. But that's not how it works on Superman and Lois apparently. Because I guess people from Smallville just be petty like that?
So no Lana, it's not Lois's fault that she didn't tell you Clark's secret. And no Lois, you don't have to feel bad for not telling Lana at the first chance the two of you were alone together. And no Jordan, you shouldn't tell Sarah that you're Superboy because Clark hasn't given you the okay yet. You already had that conversation, and this is something I complained about already in my review of "Truth and Consequences", but you and your dad agreed that you wouldn't say anything to her about it for another five years in "The Thing in the Mines". And no Lana *again*, just because you're butthurt at Lois for not telling you a secret that wasn't hers to tell, that doesn't mean that you can tell Sarah the Kent family's secrets out of what I can only assume is nothing but pure spite. She doesn't actually go through with it in the episode, but she was going to until Sophie walked into the room and metaphorically slapped her with the pimp hand of reality.
And now that my obligatory four paragraph long rant about a very small part of the episode has been done (and yes, it does happen *every* review), let's get into the rest of it. The rest of the episode was... Fine. It feels like nothing really happened this episode until the pendant was destroyed, and even that was questionable since Ally didn't seem all that bothered by the pendant getting destroyed anyway. This episode was a lot of talking, which I should mention doesn't have to be a bad thing. You can have episodes that are all talk and no action, and those episodes can still be good. Look to season 1's "Fail Safe" or Stargirl's "Shining Knight" for great examples of that. The issue comes when there's so much talking about *nonsense* and no action to break it up. The closest thing to action that we get is this subplot where Natalie Irons gets Johnathan and Jordan to skip school and explore the mines, but that subplot is so awkwardly jammed in there that you could cut it out of the episode and you'd miss nothing!
There's also a logical inconsistency I'd like to mention. How did Ally get through the portal between worlds as quickly as she did? During the episodes "30 Days and 30 Nights" and "Truth and Consequences", we established that it takes roughly one-month to get through the portal between our world and the Bizarro world. So why all of the sudden can Ally just go back and forth between both of them without any time having passed? Ally would've had to go through the portal, like, ten minutes after Clark did in order to get there on time. Maybe portal travel works different once you become a god, but they never really explained that, and it's something I don't think they're going to explain. And yes, I know this happened with Bizarro Lana as well during "Truth and Consequences", but I didn't mention it in that review because I just forgot to talk about it. Doesn't make any more sense there than it does here.
I'd also like to mention that I think this is Superman and Lois's first trip into bad CGI. During the big climactic moment where Clark and Tal-Rho are destroying the pendant, Ally and John Irons get into a fight in the sky, and it does not look great. It looks very CW, and I don't mean that in a good way. Like, it starts off great with the hammer toss, but once Clark and Tal-Rho go back down into the volcano, the rest of the fight is just two CGI polygons flying at each other. It doesn't go on too long thankfully, but it is noticeable. Compare this to the Clark VS the Stranger fight in the Pilot, and you'll really be able to see the quality difference.
And I know we have three more episodes to go so it could definitely still happen, but I'm very disappointed that Ally didn't turn into a giant purple CGI monster in-between episodes. I guess that's something that they're saving for the finale, but even still I thought it would've happened already. To steal a phrase from, well, myself: Make her Parasite, you cowards!
I think this is probably the first episode of this show that I would say is legitimately bad. It's got some good ideas floating around I guess, but the execution is so poor that I'm struggling to see any real redeeming qualities about it. So I'd like to ask the writers to not make episodes like this a habit, because Superman and Lois can only take so many episodes like this before the CW gets their grubby hands on it and drags it down to modern CW Flash level.
5 / 10.
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