- Rip Riley: I'm setting the autopilot, but this better not be a ruse.
- Sterling Archer: A ruse? Brrring, brrring. Hello. Hi, it's the 1930s. Can we have our words and clothes and shitty airplane back?
- Sterling Archer: Come on. Don't do that. Don't ruin your post-coital bliss with a bunch of misplaced guilt.
- Sterling Archer: Hey! So, what happened was, somebody ordered room service, but the regular room service guy, uhh, he died, so I came in here, then I fell on the bed.
- Sterling Archer: [Threatening to throw the emergency beacon out of the lifeboat] I told you, I'm not going back there!
- [Riley aims a flare gun at Archer]
- Rip Riley: Well, you say that...
- [Archer points his pistol at Riley]
- Sterling Archer: Riley, no shit, I will shoot you.
- Rip Riley: And then I'll shoot YOU with a flare, and then I'll use a D-ration to burn two survival crackers to make s'mores over the crackling fire that used to be your chest cavity.
- [pause, then Archer lowers his gun]
- Sterling Archer: Goddamn, dude.
- Rip Riley: Sorry, but you're actin' really crazy.
- Sterling Archer: Well, being a spy makes you crazy! I mean, what kinda job is that, where your fiancée gets murdered? Hello! Stress! And don't even get me started on my mother. I mean, she...
- Rip Riley: She can be a steel-clad bitch. I know! Why do you think I left ISIS?
- Sterling Archer: Wh - you were an ISIS agent?
- Rip Riley: Briefly, way back. It didn't work out because, y'know, your mother...
- Sterling Archer: Was impossible to please, right?
- Rip Riley: [under his breath] God, if you only knew.
- Sterling Archer: What?
- Rip Riley: [Recovering quickly] How much your mom loves you... you would at least have the heart to tell her you're quittin' in person.
- Sterling Archer: Yeesh. Rather get shot with a flare.
- Rip Riley: Oh, man up! Talk to your mother, and then you can go be a bartender and destroy a new marriage every week.
- Sterling Archer: Oh, come on, that marriage was doomed.
- Rip Riley: And so are we, if we don't work together out here, so... truce?
- Sterling Archer: Uh... yeah.
- [a ship's bell rings in the distance]
- Sterling Archer: And hey, we're not doomed. Look!
- [a speedboat rapidly approaches the lifeboat]
- Sterling Archer: Over here! Hey! Over here!
- Rip Riley: No, no, no, quit waving, get down!
- Sterling Archer: Don't you wanna get rescued?
- Rip Riley: Yeah, but those could be pirates.
- Sterling Archer: Wh - okay. Then I guess they'll just have to do till we find some cowboys and Indians.
- Rip Riley: What?
- Sterling Archer: What, what? What are you talking about?
- [Cut to Archer and Riley, tied up aboard the pirates' speedboat]
- Sterling Archer: I'm sorry. I didn't know pirates were... still a real thing.
- Pam Poovey: What a hunk!
- Cheryl Tunt: Total sploosh!
- Lana Kane: Actually, yeah. Gotta give him a sploosh.
- Ray Gillette: And whatever my equivalent of sploosh is, which I guess is just sploosh. Only with semen.
- Sterling Archer: Sky-Captain of yesteryear!
- Rip Riley: At least I'm not Sky-Captain of I-ran-away-from-home!
- Sterling Archer: I didn't run away from home. I'm a grown man, whose fiancée was murdered in front of his very eyes, so excuse me for needing some time to grieve.
- Rip Riley: By tending bar and banging newlyweds?
- Sterling Archer: Apparently, that's my grieving process.
- Malory Archer: He's alive somewhere, and since you fools can't find him, I called in someone who can. Say hello to Rip Riley, manhunter.
- Rip Riley: Manhunter. Now if that's not the pot calling the kettle black.
- Rip Riley: I tracked him down.
- Malory Archer: See!
- Lana Kane: How?
- Rip Riley: Yeah, this new thing called intelligence gathering.
- Rip Riley: But those numbskulls who picked us up were so drunk...
- Sterling Archer: Now that did see pirate-y.
- Sterling Archer: This is my manservant, Jerkens.
- Rip Riley: Funny stuff.
- Sterling Archer: Not now, Jerkens.
- Sterling Archer: So, I bet she'll pay whatever ransom you ask for. Splashless urinal cakes have been pretty good to us, as you can imagine.
- Sterling Archer: [shouting] Woohoohoohoo! Two personal records! For breath holding and number of sharks shot in the frickin' face!
- [Riley wakes up aboard the seaplane, handcuffed and with a black eye, to find Archer mixing a drink]
- Rip Riley: Ehhhh... what the - what the holy - what in holy hell are you doin'?
- Sterling Archer: Well, it was gonna be an Old Fashioned, but I couldn't find any bitters, so I, uh...
- Rip Riley: Jesus Christ. How long was I out?
- Sterling Archer: It's hard to say. After I shaved and stuff, I took a pretty long nap, so...
- Rip Riley: Uncuff me, you idiot! Holy God, if we overshot our chance to refuel...
- Sterling Archer: I thought you put it on autopilot!
- Rip Riley: It just maintains course and altitude! It doesn't know how to find THE ONLY AIRSTRIP WITHIN A THOUSAND MILES SO IT CAN LAND ITSELF WHEN IT NEEDS GAS!
- Sterling Archer: Then I, uh... misunderstood the concept.
- Rip Riley: Uncuff me!
- Sterling Archer: Okay! God! Wait, first promise you won't take me back to ISIS.
- Rip Riley: ISIS? You'll be lucky if I can get us back to land! Now uncuff me!
- Sterling Archer: Okay! God! Wait a minute, is this a ruse?
- [One of the plane's engines sputters and shorts out]
- Sterling Archer: Because if it is... pretty elaborate.
- [the seaplane's second engine dies]
- Rip Riley: Damn it, there goes number two!
- Sterling Archer: But it can land on water, right? I mean, isn't that the whole point?
- Rip Riley: It's a kinda different story when we're droppin' like a ton of bricks!
- Sterling Archer: Oh.
- Rip Riley: Goddamn, I can barely hold her level!
- Sterling Archer: You want me to help steer, or...
- Rip Riley: [Furious] Haven't you done enough already?
- Sterling Archer: How is this suddenly my fault?
- [Rip gives him a hard look]
- Rip Riley: Okay, this is it! Come on, Lucy Goosey, you can do it! Lookin' good, girl!
- [the plane levels out just above the ocean surface]
- Rip Riley: I think we're gonna be okay!
- Sterling Archer: Wait! You didn't put the wheels down!
- Rip Riley: The what? No, no, what are you d -
- [Archer jabs a button; the landing gear drops and skims the water]
- Rip Riley: NOOOOO!
- [the plane crashes]