Photos
Quotes
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Schmidt : [about Nick's penis] Why haven't I seen it?
Winston Bishop : Why do you wanna see it?
Schmidt : He's my best friend.
Winston Bishop : Again, why do you wanna see it?
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Schmidt : [peeking on Nick] Hey, man.
Nick Miller : Aah!
Schmidt : I'm the only one who hasn't seen it.
Nick Miller : What?
Schmidt : Just the gun.
Nick Miller : No.
Schmidt : Just the roses.
Nick Miller : What?
Schmidt : Just the hub, where it connects.
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Nick Miller : We live in a world with rules. We knock. We have doors. And we knock on those doors.
Jess Day : I'm sorry, Nick.
Nick Miller : Just knock!
Jess Day : [picking up the feeling stick] Nick... I...
Nick Miller : Put that down.
Jess Day : But we have to talk.
Nick Miller : Nothing to talk about.
Winston Bishop : [taking the stick] I feel that Nick is not honoring the feeling stick.
Schmidt : [taking it] I feel me, too.
Winston Bishop : [taking it back] I feel Schmidt's had a particularly bad day, and I feel that if Nick is truly Schmidt's friend, he would show Schmidt what's in his pants.
Schmidt : [taking it back] I feel supported.
Nick Miller : What is going on with you two? What are you doing?
Winston Bishop : [taking the stick] I feel Nick is yelling.
Nick Miller : Stop it!
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Schmidt : What happened after you walked in?
Jess Day : I don't know. I kind of laughed.
Schmidt : Jess, you can't laugh at a naked man, and especially Nick. Nick is delicate. Like a flower. Like a chubby, damaged flower who hates himself. Now, listen to me. You're gonna act like this never happened.
Jess Day : We live together. We're a family. Families talk about things.
Schmidt : No. Families ignore things until they go away.
[flashback to himself as a kid]
Schmidt : No wants to talk about their feelings, Jess. Never talk about this again.
Jess Day : Okay. I'll ignore it.
[singing]
Jess Day : Not gonna talk about it...
Schmidt : Or sing about it.
Jess Day : The bing-bong. I'm done.
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Schmidt : Do you know where you're taking her?
Nick Miller : No.
Schmidt : Do you need a list of my sexiest date spots? You know, it's been a while for you. Want me to stretch you out?
Nick Miller : It's not a date, Schmidt. Actually, I don't know what it is. She's, uh... she's a little hard to read.
[flashback]
Amanda : Wouldn't it be funny if we, like, went out? Like...
Nick Miller : Do you wanna go on a date?
Amanda : Yeah. We'd, like, "go for dinner," and, like, the two of us, we'd, like, do stuff.
Nick Miller : Is that a yes?
Amanda : I know, right?
Nick Miller : Seriously, do you want to get dinner?
Amanda : Right. No, I know.
Nick Miller : [return to the present] Sometimes she's so ironic that I think she's being serious.
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Jess Day : [after walking in on Nick naked] He's never gonna speak to me again. I'm so embarrassed.
Schmidt : Not a big deal. I've seen Nick's stuff, like, a million times.
Winston Bishop : You have? I mean... how?
Schmidt : We grew up together. Locker rooms, swimming pools, penis fights. It just happens.
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Schmidt : How'd the job interview go?
Winston Bishop : You know, terrible.
[flashback]
Winston Bishop : She just wanted to chitchat about stuff I've never heard of before.
Schmidt : Well, you gotta get up to speed, man. The chitchat is the interview.
Winston Bishop : I have spent the last two years of my life in Latvia. I was playing ball year-round, man. I didn't read the news. I have no idea of what happened in America. I've got interviews tomorrow. Fill me in. What'd I miss?
Schmidt : From the... from the past two years?
Winston Bishop : Yo, give me the highlights.
Schmidt : Highlights. Okay. Uh, country's broke.
Winston Bishop : Mm-hmm.
Schmidt : Betty White's back.
Winston Bishop : Oh, cool, cool. What about the rest of the Golden Girls?
Schmidt : They're all dead, man.
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[last lines]
Nick Miller : [turning on the shower] Get out, Schmidt.
Schmidt : [getting out soaking wet] I'm the only one who hasn't seen it.
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Winston Bishop : I just wanted to thank you for taking me running. Made me feel a lot better. I might not have a job or anything, but at least I can run a mile. I mean, watching you try to run, yeah, that was just pathetic. I needed that.
Schmidt : I suffer from exercise-induced asthma.
Winston Bishop : Do you suffer from exercise-induced crying?
Schmidt : It's a real thing, man, okay? EIA.
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Jess Day : Something's happened. It was totally an accident. Not a big deal. I just want to do the mature thing and come clean about it. But, um...
[muttering]
Jess Day : I accidentally saw Nick's pee-pee.
Schmidt : What?
Winston Bishop : What did she say?
Jess Day : [clearly] I accidentally saw Nick's pee-pee and his bubbles.
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Schmidt : Hey, Winston.
[seeing him face-down on his bedroom floor]
Schmidt : Oh, no. Oh, man. The interview? Did you mess up?
Winston Bishop : [getting up] No, I didn't mess up. Killed it. I was amazing. At one point, I was on the outside of my body watching myself be amazing.
Schmidt : Well, that's a good thing, right?
Winston Bishop : The woman asked me why I wanted to sell medical supplies. I had no answer. I've done nothing but play basketball my entire life.
Schmidt : [looking at his computer] "Winston Bishop is an American basketball player who played professionally in Latvia, and he loves ducks." Winston, did you write the part about the ducks?
Winston Bishop : I don't even like ducks that much, man.
Schmidt : Oh, okay. Look, man. You gotta get off Wikipedia, all right? You're going crazy.
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Winston Bishop : [jogging with Schmidt] Whoo! This feels good.
Schmidt : [panting] Totally. I love it.
Winston Bishop : You know, I think I was just scared, man. I've been playing basketball my whole entire life. What if I was wasting my time? Maybe I should have been figuring out my life like you.
Schmidt : [amused laugh] I don't have anything figured out. I'm a fully-grown man with roommates. I got a stupid job. I'm single. My best friend won't even let me see his penis. I mean, my whole life is a sham.
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Jess Day : You have a date? Fun! I wanna talk to you guys about this stuff.
Schmidt : With Amanda.
Nick Miller : Schmidt.
Jess Day : Amanda? From the bar? Whoa! She's a looker. Hatchie-matchie!
Nick Miller : Yeah, I know how hot she is, Jess.
Jess Day : Have you been out with anyone since Caroline?
Nick Miller : No.
Jess Day : Whoa! Big-deal alert. Scary stuff, kids. Yeesh! Falling rocks. Bridge out. Duck!
Nick Miller : This is why I don't talk to you, Jess.