- Nadja: Mrs. Nandor the Relentless has joined us, and she fits right in. She looks very like a girl from my village called Celina, but she's just wearing much less pig skin.
- Nandor: All you ever do is lay about or tinkle on your piano or have sex with Nadja wherever and whenever you please!
- Lazslo Cravensworth: How is that an insult? Sounds to me like life goals achieved, me old fruit.
- Nandor: You take and you take and you take. You took the seat in the Honda Element that wasn't behind Sean's seat in the Honda Element, even though you know that Sean likes his seat in the Honda Element pushed right far back, and I have the longer legs!
- Sean Rinaldi: You know, you're lucky to have a guy like Lasz taking care of you. Colin:
- Colin Robinson: I guess. Sometimes I think that Lazzo doesn't like me so much.
- Sean Rinaldi: Are you kidding me? He loves you.
- Colin Robinson: He's always saying, "I'm not gonna have you grow up to be a bald-headed, energy-sucking bore."
- Sean Rinaldi: Huh, that's why my old man wouldn't let me watch PBS.
- Colin Robinson: Do you think I'm boring?
- Sean Rinaldi: What? You got your little computer pad, and a... stick. And a whole bunch of other neat stuff, right? What else do you like doing?
- Colin Robinson: Well, I like to go into the basement in the house and smash holes into the wall with a hammer. Like, really hard. Just over and over again. Just smashing and smashing and smashing, and I can't help it. It makes me feel good.
- [as he's listening, Sean moves the sling of his firearm to his other shoulder, further from Colin]
- Sean Rinaldi: But like, only walls, right? You don't like, uh... smashing a person or something?
- Sean Rinaldi: [pointing at mounted deer head] Now, that up there, I got that when I was 14. Took me nine shots, but I got it. First time I ever saw something die. But it wouldn't be the last.
- [opens beer]
- Colin Robinson: Hey, Siri, play some New Jersey music.
- ["Living on a Prayer" by Bon Jovi starts playing]
- Nadja: I cannot believe that such a group of fresh, dazzling moonbeams are related to such a gray dud.
- Nandor: The problem with Laszlo is that he cannot admit that there's something that even he does not know. He thinks that he knows all things. And if there's one thing I cannot abide, it is someone who's a know-it-all-things.
- Sean Rinaldi: Once we clear Keasbey, it's a straight shot down the Garden State Parkway until we hit the Pine Barrens. And let me tell you, the Pine Barrens is some forest primeval shit.
- Nandor: We vampires do not hunt.
- Lazslo Cravensworth: Of course we fucking do. We hunt humans.
- Nandor: Does that count, though?
- Colin Robinson: Hey, Mr. Rinaldi, guess what?
- Sean Rinaldi: What?
- Colin Robinson: I don't believe the Jersey Devil is even real.
- Sean Rinaldi: All righty, then. I guess it's not my fault if he comes and eats you.
- Colin Robinson: Okay, well, if he's so real, then what does he look like?
- Sean Rinaldi: He's got dragon wings, and a half-goat horse face with a chinstrap beard like an Amish. And he's got hooves and horns, and two low-hanging balls with a button cock on top.
- Lazslo Cravensworth: [whispering] Fantastic.
- Sean Rinaldi: And he creeps through the Pine Barrens, looking for little kids who don't believe in him.
- Lazslo Cravensworth: No, the Jersey Devil is not real.
- Nandor: It is just a myth that vampires made up to explain all the dead bodies that we leave in the woods.
- Lazslo Cravensworth: Sean may be my best friend, but like all humans, he doesn't realize when he's been fucking had.
- Nandor: Sean is your best friend?
- Nadja: I watched my Uncle Andreas get crushed to death by a donkey, and the donkey was his wife. And then she, the donkey, died of alcoholism.