- Manny Delgado: [When teaching Jay how to salsa dance] Okay, stop marching. You're dancing, not invading Poland.
- Jay Pritchett: How hard is it to learn this salsa dancing stuff?
- Manny Delgado: Not hard at all. It's about tapping into your emotion, your passion, and your inner fire.
- Jay Pritchett: Crap!
- Jay Pritchett: I'm dead set against drugs. 'Just Say No' and all that stuff. But I thought, just this once, for Gloria. And if I was gonna make a complete ass of myself, I didn't want to remember it.
- Mitchell Pritchett: The big drug I gave him? Baby aspirin, orange-flavored. He could have chewed it.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Jay hates the crowds, the beach, the rainbows...
- Jay Pritchett: Rainbows? That's just colors in the sky. Do we have to pull over every time and take a picture?
- Mitchell Pritchett: Cam has this crazy theory that if he were straight and Julia Roberts were single, they'd be dating.
- Cameron Tucker: It's not crazy. I met her once at an AIDS walk, and our chemistry was palpable.
- Mitchell Pritchett: No, you handed her a bottle of water.
- Cameron Tucker: And her fingers lingered.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Because you wouldn't let go!
- Luke Dunphy: Dad, no offense, but I've seen you with a glue gun. I think a nail is gonna be harder to get out of my hair.
- Cameron Tucker: Look, you're gonna find somebody, because you're an amazing girl, Katie. You're the whole package. I just prefer somebody who has one.
- Cameron Tucker: I for sure could be a womanizer.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Or you could be someone who just stepped out of a machine called the Womanizer.
- Cameron Tucker: If she were a hot guy, I would never have been that smooth. It's ironic. Like the gift of the Vagi.