Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (2012)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic

Quotes 

• Nostalgia Critic : [Sees God with long curly hair and a beard]  The Cowardly Lion is God?

  [as the Cowardly Lion] 

  Nostalgia Critic : I'm the Messiah! I'm the Messiah! Alleluia!

• [the crew sings "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" again] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [singing to the same tune]  Roll, roll, roll the credits / Quickly 'cross the screen...

  [the end credits of the movie start to appear] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, thank you!

• Nostalgia Critic : Now, to be fair, according to most texts, God has asked for a lot of bizarre things...

  Nostalgia Critic : [as God]  Jesus, die on the cross.

  Nostalgia Critic : [as Jesus]  What?

  Nostalgia Critic : [as God]  Abraham, kill your son.

  Nostalgia Critic : [as Abraham]  Heh?

  Nostalgia Critic : [as God]  Moses, wander through the desert for about forty years.

  Nostalgia Critic : [as Moses]  What the fuck?

  Nostalgia Critic : Asking for a starship almost sounds reasonable!

• Nostalgia Critic : [60's Batman music plays as Star Trek IV is recapped]  Last time in the good Star Trek movie. A whale of a tale. It appears a probe is destroying the Earth in the hope of finding the extinct humpback. Desperate to hammer in an animal rights commentary, the Enterprise goes back in time to see if they can find some. They're told that time travel is dangerous despite the fact that they've done it a billion times before and will continue to do it a billion times after. Yar she blows. But this marine biologist will not hand them over so easily. She will later be banished to the same horrendous realm

  [image of 7th Heaven appears] 

  Nostalgia Critic : that Captain Decker was banished to. The whales are captured, the probe is pleased, and director Leonard Nimoy is happy this reaches an audience that lives outside their parents' basements. Will Shatner have the same luck as he takes over directing the next one? Well that depends. Do you like ladies over 50 years old doing a half-naked fan dance? Hopefully you answered "no."

  [Star Trek month intro begins] 

• Nostalgia Critic : Back on Nimbus III, we see a scuzzy bar where

  [dancing 3-breasted cat lady appears] 

  Nostalgia Critic : oh, geez. Did I mention that Shatner wrote this too?

• Nostalgia Critic : [as studio executive]  Mr. Shatner, I don't know why you wrote in a 3-breasted cat lady...

  [as William Shatner] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Vanessa.

  [as studio executive, disgusted look] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Vanessa? But she doesn't seem to be all that important.

  [as William Shatner] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, but she is. She shows what a rundown place it is.

  [as studio executive] 

  Nostalgia Critic : And then she kills all the main characters except for you.

  [as William Shatner] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Yes! Everything in Star Trek has been building up to the sexual adventures of me and her three breasts.

  [as studio executive] 

  Nostalgia Critic : But that doesn't make sense! Why would a cat lady-

  [as William Shatner, slamming palm down] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Vanessa!

  [as studio executive] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Vanessa be the big payoff in Star Trek?

  [as William Shatner] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Because it adds to the gravitas and weight of-

  [as studio executive] 

  Nostalgia Critic : You just wanted to see this disgusting thing on screen didn't you?

  [as William Shatner] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Just give me five scenes with her.

  [as studio executive] 

  Nostalgia Critic : One.

  [as William Shatner] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Four.

  [as studio executive] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Two!

  [as William Shatner] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Done! Heh, heh, heh. Shatner, you still got it!

• Nostalgia Critic : So it turns out... oh god. I can't believe I'm seeing this. A Romulan, a human and a Klingon walk into a bar! Don't look at me, I'm sure it was written that way in the script.

• Nostalgia Critic : We then see the hostage footage that Sybok has sent out.

  Romulan woman : We request that you send a Federation starship to parlay for our release at once.

  Sybok : I deeply regret this desperate act, but these are desperate times. I have no desire to harm these innocents but do not put me to the test! I implore you...

  The Joker : Oh, and everyday he doesn't, people will die!

  [laughs maniacally while someone screams in background and camera starts shaking wildly] 

• Nostalgia Critic : [in response to McCoy singing "Row Row Row Your Boat"]  What the hell are we doing? Are we really spending so much time on this? Wasn't there some government representatives that were threatened with death? Why are we still here?

  McCoy , Kirk : [singing]  Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily / Life...

  Kirk : Come on, Spock, why don't you jump in?

  Spock : I was trying to comprehend the meaning of the words.

  Nostalgia Critic : I'm trying to comprehend the meaning of this *scene*!

  McCoy : It's a song, you green-blooded Vulcan!

  Spock : Life is not a dream.

  Nostalgia Critic : No, you're right! It's a series of questions leading up to inevitably asking what the hell am I doing sitting around a fireplace singing "Row Your Fucking Boat"!