Sherlock (TV Series)

The Empty Hearse (2014)

Mark Gatiss: Mycroft Holmes

Quotes 

• Mycroft Holmes : [loses game]  Oh, bugger!

  Sherlock Holmes : Oopsy. Can't handle a broken heart. How *very* telling.

  Mycroft Holmes : Don't be smart.

  Sherlock Holmes : That takes me back.

  [mocking Mycroft] 

  Sherlock Holmes : "Don't be smart, Sherlock, I'm the smart one."

  Mycroft Holmes : I *am* the smart one.

  Sherlock Holmes : I used to think I was an idiot.

  Mycroft Holmes : Both of us thought you were an idiot, Sherlock. We had nothing else to go on, till we met other children.

  Sherlock Holmes : Oh, yes, that was a mistake.

  Mycroft Holmes : Ghastly. What were they thinking of?

  Sherlock Holmes : Probably something about trying to make friends.

  Mycroft Holmes : Oh, yes. *Friends*.

• Sherlock Holmes : I think... I'll surprise John. He'll be delighted.

  Mycroft Holmes : You think so?

  Sherlock Holmes : Hmm, pop into Baker Street, who knows, jump out of a cake.

  Mycroft Holmes : Baker Street? He isn't there anymore.

  [Sherlock turns to face Mycroft with a puzzled look] 

  Mycroft Holmes : Why would he be? It's been two years. He's got on with his life.

  Sherlock Holmes : What life? I've been away.

• Torturer : [speaking in Serbian]  You broke in here for a reason. Just tell us why and you can sleep. Remember sleep? Huh?... What?

  [the captive whispers in his ear] 

  Mycroft Holmes : [In disguise]  Well? What did he say?

  Torturer : He said that I used to work in the Navy, where I had an unhappy love affair.

  Mycroft Holmes : What?

  Torturer : That the electricity isn't working in my bathroom... and that my wife is sleeping with our next door neighbor. The coffin maker... and... if I go home now, I'll catch them at it. I knew it! I knew there was something going on!

  [Runs out of the interrogation room] 

• Mycroft Holmes : If you seem slow to me, Sherlock, can you imagine what real people are like? I'm living in a world of goldfish.

  Sherlock Holmes : Yes, but I've been away for two years.

  Mycroft Holmes : So?

  Sherlock Holmes : Oh, I don't know. I thought, perhaps, you might have found yourself a... goldfish.

• Mycroft Holmes : We have solid information, an attack is coming.

  Sherlock Holmes : Solid information, a secret terrorist organization is planning an attack. That's what secret terrorist organizations do, isn't it? It's their version of golf.

  Mycroft Holmes : An agent gave his life to tell us that.

  Sherlock Holmes : Oh, well, perhaps he shouldn't have done. He was obviously just trying to show off.

• Mycroft Holmes : [analyzing a hat]  This is a Chullo. The classic headgear of the Andes, it's made of Alpaca.

  Sherlock Holmes : Nope.

  Mycroft Holmes : No?

  Sherlock Holmes : Icelandic sheep wool. Similar but very distinctive, if you know what you're looking for. I've written a blog on the varying tensile strengths of different natural fibers.

  Mrs. Hudson : I'm sure there's a crying need for that.

• Sherlock Holmes : And what about John Watson?

  Mycroft Holmes : John?

  Sherlock Holmes : Mm. Have you seen him?

  Mycroft Holmes : [sarcastically]  Oh, yes, we meet up every Friday for fish and chips.

• Sherlock Holmes : But you've missed his isolation.

  Mycroft Holmes : I don't see it.

  Sherlock Holmes : Plain as day.

  Mycroft Holmes : Where?

  Sherlock Holmes : There for all to see.

  Mycroft Holmes : Tell me.

  Sherlock Holmes : Plain as the nose...

  Mycroft Holmes : Tell me!

  Sherlock Holmes : Well, anybody who wears a hat as stupid as this isn't in the habit of hanging around other people, is he?

• Mycroft Holmes : I'm not lonely, Sherlock.

  Sherlock Holmes : How would you know?

• Sherlock Holmes : I didn't know you spoke Serbian.

  Mycroft Holmes : I didn't. But the language has a Slavic root. Frequent Turkish and German loan-words. Took me a couple of hours.

  Sherlock Holmes : Hmm, you're slipping.