- Dr. John Watson: Well, I've got some news.
- Mrs. Hudson: Oh, God, is it serious?
- Dr. John Watson: What? No, no I'm not ill. I've, uh, well I'm... moving on.
- Mrs. Hudson: You're emigrating?
- Dr. John Watson: Nope. Uh, no, I've, uh... I have met someone.
- Mrs. Hudson: Oh! Ah, lovely.
- Dr. John Watson: Yeah. We're getting married. Well, I'm going to ask, anyway.
- Mrs. Hudson: So soon after Sherlock?
- Dr. John Watson: Hmm, well, yes.
- Mrs. Hudson: What's his name?
- Dr. John Watson: [sighs] It's a woman.
- Mrs. Hudson: A woman?
- Dr. John Watson: Yes, of course it's a woman.
- Mrs. Hudson: [laughs quietly] You really have moved on, haven't you?
- Dr. John Watson: Mrs. Hudson, how many times?... Sherlock was not my boyfriend.
- Mrs. Hudson: Live and let live, that's my motto.
- Dr. John Watson: Listen to me. *I am not gay*!
- Dr. John Watson: I'm definitely going to kill you.
- Sherlock Holmes: Oh, please. Killing me, that's so two years ago.
- Mycroft Holmes: [loses game] Oh, bugger!
- Sherlock Holmes: Oopsy. Can't handle a broken heart. How *very* telling.
- Mycroft Holmes: Don't be smart.
- Sherlock Holmes: That takes me back.
- [mocking Mycroft]
- Sherlock Holmes: "Don't be smart, Sherlock, I'm the smart one."
- Mycroft Holmes: I *am* the smart one.
- Sherlock Holmes: I used to think I was an idiot.
- Mycroft Holmes: Both of us thought you were an idiot, Sherlock. We had nothing else to go on, till we met other children.
- Sherlock Holmes: Oh, yes, that was a mistake.
- Mycroft Holmes: Ghastly. What were they thinking of?
- Sherlock Holmes: Probably something about trying to make friends.
- Mycroft Holmes: Oh, yes. *Friends*.
- Mary Morstan: Oh, no, you're...
- Sherlock Holmes: Oh, yes.
- Mary Morstan: Oh, my god.
- Sherlock Holmes: Not quite.
- Dr. John Watson: [seeing a couple scooted from the room] Clients?
- Sherlock Holmes: Just my parents.
- Dr. John Watson: Your parents?
- Sherlock Holmes: In town for a few days.
- Dr. John Watson: *Your* parents?
- Sherlock Holmes: Mycroft promised to take them to a matinee of Les Mis. Tried to talk me into doing it.
- Dr. John Watson: Those were your parents?
- Sherlock Holmes: Yes.
- Dr. John Watson: Well. *That* is not what I...
- Sherlock Holmes: What?
- Dr. John Watson: I-I mean, they're... just... so... ordinary.
- Sherlock Holmes: It's a cross I have to bear.
- Sherlock Holmes: I think... I'll surprise John. He'll be delighted.
- Mycroft Holmes: You think so?
- Sherlock Holmes: Hmm, pop into Baker Street, who knows, jump out of a cake.
- Mycroft Holmes: Baker Street? He isn't there anymore.
- [Sherlock turns to face Mycroft with a puzzled look]
- Mycroft Holmes: Why would he be? It's been two years. He's got on with his life.
- Sherlock Holmes: What life? I've been away.
- Mary Morstan: God, I had six months of bristly kisses for me and then His Nibbs turns up.
- Dr. John Watson: I don't shave for Sherlock Holmes.
- Mary Morstan: [sighs] Oh, you should put that on a T-shirt.
- Sherlock Holmes: [voiced from the darkness as Lestade lights a cigarette] Those things will kill you.
- DI Lestrade: [long pause with recognition] Oh, you bastard.
- Dr. John Watson: Mind palace!
- Sherlock Holmes: Hmm?
- Dr. John Watson: Use your mind palace!
- Sherlock Holmes: How will that help?
- Dr. John Watson: You've salted away every fact under the sun!
- Sherlock Holmes: Oh, what, and you think I've just got "how to defuse a bomb" tucked away in there somewhere?
- Dr. John Watson: *Yes*!
- Sherlock Holmes: ...maybe.
- Mrs. Hudson: Oh, I'm really pleased, Mary. Have you set a date?
- Mary Morstan: Uh, well, we thought May.
- Mrs. Hudson: Ah, a spring wedding.
- Mary Morstan: Yeah. Well, once we've actually got engaged.
- Dr. John Watson: Yeah.
- Mary Morstan: We were interrupted last time.
- Dr. John Watson: Yeah.
- DI Lestrade: Well, I can't wait.
- Mary Morstan: You will be there, Sherlock?
- Sherlock Holmes: Weddings - not really my thing.
- Dr. John Watson: I wanted you not to be dead!
- Sherlock Holmes: Yeah, well, be careful what you wish for.
- Dr. John Watson: You'd have to be an idiot not to see it. You love it.
- Sherlock Holmes: Love what?
- Dr. John Watson: Being Sherlock Holmes.
- Sherlock Holmes: I don't even know what that's supposed to mean.
- Sherlock Holmes: Fancy some chips?
- Molly Hooper: What?
- Sherlock Holmes: I know a fantastic fish shop just off the Marylebone Road, the owner always gives me extra portions.
- Molly Hooper: Did you get him off a murder charge?
- Sherlock Holmes: No, I helped him put up some shelves.
- Dr. John Watson: One word, Sherlock, that is *all* I would have needed! One word to let me know that you were alive!
- Sherlock Holmes: I've nearly been in contact so many times, but... I worried that, you know, you might say something indiscreet.
- Dr. John Watson: What?
- Sherlock Holmes: Oh, you know, let the cat out of the bag.
- Dr. John Watson: Oh, so this is *my* fault?
- Mary Morstan: [Mary starts laughing] Oh, God.
- Dr. John Watson: Why am I the only one who thinks that this is wrong? The only one reacting like a human being.
- Sherlock Holmes: Overreacting.
- Dr. John Watson: [Yelling] Overreacting!
- Mary Morstan: John!
- Dr. John Watson: Overreacting! So you fake your own death and you waltz in here, large as bloody life, but I'm not supposed to have a problem with that, no, because Sherlock Holmes thinks it's a perfectly okay thing to do!
- Sherlock Holmes: Shut up, John! I don't want everyone knowing I'm still alive!
- Dr. John Watson: Oh, so it's still a secret, is it?
- Sherlock Holmes: Yes, it's still a secret.
- [looks around the crowded shop they are in]
- Sherlock Holmes: Promise you won't tell anyone.
- Dr. John Watson: Swear to God!
- Dr. John Watson: [with a time bomb ticking] So what do we do?
- Sherlock Holmes: I've no idea.
- Dr. John Watson: Well, think of something.
- Sherlock Holmes: Why do you think I know what to do?
- Dr. John Watson: Because you're Sherlock Holmes, you're as clever as it gets.
- Sherlock Holmes: It doesn't mean I know how to diffuse a giant bomb. What about you?
- Dr. John Watson: I wasn't in bomb disposal, I'm a bloody doctor.
- Sherlock Holmes: And a soldier, as you keep reminding us all.
- Dr. John Watson: Can't-Can't we... rip their timer off or something?
- Sherlock Holmes: But that would set it off.
- Dr. John Watson: You see? You know things!
- Torturer: [speaking in Serbian] You broke in here for a reason. Just tell us why and you can sleep. Remember sleep? Huh?... What?
- [the captive whispers in his ear]
- Mycroft Holmes: [In disguise] Well? What did he say?
- Torturer: He said that I used to work in the Navy, where I had an unhappy love affair.
- Mycroft Holmes: What?
- Torturer: That the electricity isn't working in my bathroom... and that my wife is sleeping with our next door neighbor. The coffin maker... and... if I go home now, I'll catch them at it. I knew it! I knew there was something going on!
- [Runs out of the interrogation room]
- Dr. John Watson: [furious] Two years... Two years! Hmm... I thought. Mm... I thought... you were dead. Hmm?... Now, you let me grieve. Hmm?... How could you do that?... How?
- Sherlock Holmes: Wait, before you do anything that you might regret, um, one question, just let me ask one question...
- [laughing at John's moustache]
- Sherlock Holmes: Are you really gonna keep that?
- Mycroft Holmes: If you seem slow to me, Sherlock, can you imagine what real people are like? I'm living in a world of goldfish.
- Sherlock Holmes: Yes, but I've been away for two years.
- Mycroft Holmes: So?
- Sherlock Holmes: Oh, I don't know. I thought, perhaps, you might have found yourself a... goldfish.
- Mycroft Holmes: We have solid information, an attack is coming.
- Sherlock Holmes: Solid information, a secret terrorist organization is planning an attack. That's what secret terrorist organizations do, isn't it? It's their version of golf.
- Mycroft Holmes: An agent gave his life to tell us that.
- Sherlock Holmes: Oh, well, perhaps he shouldn't have done. He was obviously just trying to show off.
- Mycroft Holmes: [analyzing a hat] This is a Chullo. The classic headgear of the Andes, it's made of Alpaca.
- Sherlock Holmes: Nope.
- Mycroft Holmes: No?
- Sherlock Holmes: Icelandic sheep wool. Similar but very distinctive, if you know what you're looking for. I've written a blog on the varying tensile strengths of different natural fibers.
- Mrs. Hudson: I'm sure there's a crying need for that.
- Mr. Harcourt: Well, absolutely no one should have been able to empty that bank account other than myself and Helen.
- Sherlock Holmes: Why didn't you assume it was your wife?
- Mr. Harcourt: Because I've always had total faith in her.
- Sherlock Holmes: No, it's because you emptied it.
- [points at him]
- Sherlock Holmes: Weight loss, hair dye, Botox, affair.
- [whips out a business card, he holds it out to Mrs Harcourt]
- Sherlock Holmes: Lawyer. Next!
- Sherlock Holmes: And what about John Watson?
- Mycroft Holmes: John?
- Sherlock Holmes: Mm. Have you seen him?
- Mycroft Holmes: [sarcastically] Oh, yes, we meet up every Friday for fish and chips.
- Sherlock Holmes: Moriarty slipped up, He made a mistake... Because the one person he thought didn't matter at all to me... was the one person who mattered the most. You made it all possible.
- Sherlock Holmes: Neat, don't you think?
- Anderson: Hm...
- Sherlock Holmes: What?
- Anderson: Not the way I'd have done it.
- Anderson: [after Laura details a conspiracy plot involving Holmes and Moriarty being in love] *What*? Are you out of your mind?
- Laura: I don't see why not. It's just as plausible as some of your theories.
- Anderson: Look, if you're not going to take it seriously, Laura, you can...
- Laura: I do take it seriously. I don't think we should wear hats.
- Anderson: I founded the Empty Hearse so like-minded people could meet, discuss theories... Sherlock's still out there. I'm convinced of it.
- [the television suddenly breaks the news of Sherlock's reappearance]
- Laura: Oh, my God. Oh... my... God!
- Sherlock Holmes: But you've missed his isolation.
- Mycroft Holmes: I don't see it.
- Sherlock Holmes: Plain as day.
- Mycroft Holmes: Where?
- Sherlock Holmes: There for all to see.
- Mycroft Holmes: Tell me.
- Sherlock Holmes: Plain as the nose...
- Mycroft Holmes: Tell me!
- Sherlock Holmes: Well, anybody who wears a hat as stupid as this isn't in the habit of hanging around other people, is he?
- Mrs. Hudson: Sherlock?
- Sherlock Holmes: Mm?
- Mrs. Hudson: Talk to John.
- Sherlock Holmes: I tried talking to him. He made his position quite clear.
- Dr. John Watson: [John is in his office examining a patient with an undescended testicle. He lifts a middle finger] Just relax, Mr Summerson.
- Mrs. Hudson: What did he say?
- Sherlock Holmes: F...
- Dr. John Watson: [feeling his patient's testicles] Cough.
- Mrs. Hudson: Oh, dear.
- Sherlock Holmes: I calculated that there were thirteen possibilities once I'd invited Moriarty onto the roof. I wanted to avoid dying, if at all possible. The first scenario involved hurling myself into a parked hospital van filled with washing bags. Impossible, the angle was too steep. Secondly, a system of Japanese wrestling...
- Dr. John Watson: You know, for a genius, you can be remarkably thick.
- Sherlock Holmes: What?
- Dr. John Watson: I don't care *how* you faked it, Sherlock. I want to know *why*.
- Sherlock Holmes: [after being head-butted by John] I don't understand. I said I'm sorry, isn't that what you're supposed to do?
- Mary Morstan: Gosh, you don't know anything about human nature, do you?
- Sherlock Holmes: Hmm, nature? No. Human?
- [pause]
- Sherlock Holmes: No.
- Sherlock Holmes: London. It's like a great cesspool into which all kinds of criminals, agents and drifters are irresistibly drained. Sometimes it's not a question of who, it's a question of who knows. If this man cancels his papers, I need to know.
- [pause]
- Sherlock Holmes: If this woman leaves London without putting her dog into kennels, I need to know. Now, certain people, they are markers. If they start to move, I'll know something's up. Like rats deserting a sinking ship.
- Sherlock Holmes: No, I prefer my doctors clean-shaven.
- Dr. John Watson: That's not a sentence you hear every day.
- [discussing John's mustache]
- Mrs. Hudson: ages you.
- Dr. John Watson: Just trying it out.
- Mrs. Hudson: Well, it ages you.
- [as he is stealing a woman's makeup pen from her purse]
- Sherlock Holmes: Madam, can I suggest you look at this menu? It's, uh, completely identical.
- Sherlock Holmes: I didn't know you spoke Serbian.
- Mycroft Holmes: I didn't. But the language has a Slavic root. Frequent Turkish and German loan-words. Took me a couple of hours.
- Sherlock Holmes: Hmm, you're slipping.
- [after examining a skeleton and finding a book titled How I Did It by Jack the Ripper]
- Molly Hooper: That's impossible.
- Sherlock Holmes: Welcome to my world.
- Molly Hooper: We met through friends, old-fashioned way. He's nice, we... He's got a dog, we... We go to the pub on weekends and, he, I've met his mum and dad and his friends and all his family. I've no idea why I'm telling you any of this.
- Sherlock Holmes: I hope you'll be very happy, Molly Hooper. You deserve it.
- [pause]
- Sherlock Holmes: After all, not all the men you fall for can turn out to be sociopaths.
- Molly Hooper: No?
- Sherlock Holmes: No.
- [kisses Molly on the check and walks away]
- Molly Hooper: [to herself] Maybe it's just my type.
- Sherlock Holmes: Moran didn't disappear. The entire Tube compartment did. The driver must have diverted the train and then detached the last carriage.
- Dr. John Watson: Detached it where? You said there was nothing between those stations.
- Sherlock Holmes: Not on the maps, but once you eliminate all the other factors, the only thing remaining must be the truth. That carriage vanished, so it must be somewhere.
- [having stopped John from calling the police]
- Sherlock Holmes: They'll get in the way, they always do. This is cleaner, more efficient.
- [pulls out a pry-bar and opens a locked gate]
- Dr. John Watson: And illegal.
- Sherlock Holmes: A bit.