Muppets Most Wanted (2014)

Matt Vogel: Constantine, Floyd Pepper, Sweetums, Pops, Robin, Lew Zealand, Crazy Harry, 80's Robot, Camilla, Uncle Deadly

Photos 

Quotes 

• Constantine : My name will go down as the greatest thief of all time!

  Dominic Badguy : You mean our names, right?

  Constantine : Of course. My name first, then spacebar, spacebar, spacebar... your name.

• [Constantine is watching tapes of Kermit to study him] 

  Jim Henson as Kermit : [from The Muppet Show]  It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest, Lynn Redgrave! Yea-a-a-a-a-a-a-y!

  [pauses the tape] 

  Constantine : Yea-a-a-a-a-a-a-esss!

  Jim Henson as Kermit : [from Sesame Street]  Hi-ho, Kermit the Frog here...

  [pauses] 

  Constantine : Hi-lo, Kyer-mit thee Frog heere.

  Jim Henson as Kermit : [from The Muppet Movie]  The lovers, the dreamers and me-e-e-e!

  [pauses] 

  Constantine : Thee louvers, thee dreemers and chee-e-e-e-e-se!

  [smirks] 

  Constantine : Nailed it.

• Constantine : [Pretending to be Kermit]  A heartwarming lesson about sharing or waiting your turn or the number three.

• Constantine : It's time to light the lights.

  [Detonates explosives] 

• Miss Piggy : You may be the world's most dangerous frog, but you're still a FROG!

  [beats up Constantine] 

  Miss Piggy : [in between punches]  NO - ONE - TRICKS - ME - INTO - MARRYING - THEM - AND - THEN - HURTS - MY - KERMIE!

  Constantine : [dazed]  What a woman...

  Kermit : Yeah, MY woman! And I believe this belongs to you!

  [smacks Constantine with his mole] 

• Fozzie Bear : [after they discover 'Kermit''s true identity, they scream in horror]  We gotta get outta here!

  Walter : Yeah!

  [But as they attempt to leave, Constantine is right in front of them] 

  Constantine : Not so fast...

  Walter : Where's Kermit?

  Fozzie Bear : Wh-wh-what do you want?

  Constantine : You have wocka-ed your last wocka, bear.

  [He prepares to attack them karate style. But then Animal attacks Constantine from above] 

  Animal : Bad frog!

  Fozzie Bear , Walter : Animal! Good shot!

  Animal : Thank you.

• Miss Piggy : Ich bin ein berliner.

  Floyd Pepper : More like "Ein frankfurter".

• Sam Eagle : Kermit, let's begin! / Describe the day you played Berlin!

  Constantine : We rehearsed and then we walked about / We ate bratwurst and sauerkraut!

  Jean Pierre Napoleon : That night at 10:03 / were you inside the portrait gallery?

  Constantine : From 10:00 to 10:04 / was when we did the show encore!

  Sam Eagle : Hmmm, frog, we've got our doubts / Can you confirm your whereabouts?

  Constantine : My alibi is watertight / The audience saw me sing all night.

  Jean Pierre Napoleon : Monsieur, we know you did the crime!

  Constantine : I was on stage that whole time / Ask who sang "Rainbow Connection"!

  Sam Eagle , Jean Pierre Napoleon : Thank you, Kermit! No more questions!

• Jean Pierre Napoleon : Bring in the purple guy with the schnozz!

  [Gonzo enters to be interrogated] 

  Sam Eagle : Do you remember what you did / on the night you played Madrid?

  Gonzo : I was hit by a raging bull / and rushed off stage to the hospital!

  Jean Pierre Napoleon : Gonzo, what do you know / about the sculpture thefts at Madrid's Prado?

  Gonzo : I never saw the stolen busts / I spent the night in bed concussed.

  Sam Eagle : The truth is, Gonzo, the clock is ticking.

  Gonzo : If you don't believe me, ask the chicken! Camilla was there, she'll cooperate!

  Jean Pierre Napoleon : Madame, are you willing to corroborate?

  Camilla : Bawk bawk begawk, begawk gawk gawk!

  Sam Eagle : Will someone get this chicken out of here?

  Gonzo : Calm down, Camilla, it's a routine inspection!

  Jean Pierre Napoleon , Sam Eagle : Thank you, Gonzo! No more questions!

• Constantine : It's not easy being mean.

• [Fozzie climbs on top of Floyd Pepper] 

  Floyd Pepper : Hey, watch the hair, bear!

• Dominic Badguy : [passing Constantine off as Kermit]  Flawlessly executed. Bravo.

  Constantine : What did you expect from world's most dangerous frog and number one criminal, Number Two?

  Dominic Badguy : Yeah, I know. You're number one, I'm number two. I think you mentioned that before.

  Constantine : Now that we control the Muppet tour, Number Two, phase one of our plan is complete. We are now positioned to carry out greatest...

  [mumbling] 

  Constantine : ...burgle... blurgh-el... burgle...

  Dominic Badguy : Burglary.

  Constantine : Yes. Of all time and pin it on those gullible Muppets, who will spend the rest of their miserable lives behind bars.

• [Constantine tries to escape in a helicopter] 

  Constantine : Something's wrong! We're not moving!

  [the Muppets have made a ladder out of themselves to stop the copter] 

  Constantine : You are ruining my getaway!

• Kermit , Gonzo , Fozzie Bear , Miss Piggy , Rowlf the Dog , Scooter : [singing 'We're Doing A Sequel']  We're doing a sequel

  Beaker : [Beaker is teleported into a monitor with a test pattern screen, running frantically]  Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

  Kermit , Gonzo , Fozzie Bear , Miss Piggy , Rowlf the Dog , Scooter : Let's give it a shot,

  Kermit : All we need now is a half-decent plot...

  Gonzo : Got it: an epic love story between a very handsome, long-nosed, purple thing and a beautiful chicken.

  Gonzo : [the scenery falls over]  I call it: "Gonzo With the Wind".

  Camilla : [Camilla clucks] 

  Kermit : Does anybody have any other ideas?

  Fozzie Bear : Oh, oh! It's about getting the Muppets back together again to stop an evil oil baron from demolishing the old studio!

  Kermit : Fozzie, did you even watch our last film?

  Miss Piggy : It's about a frog who marries a beautiful, perfect pig, and they have to kiss each other a lot!

  Kermit : Uh...

  Swedish Chef : [subtitled Swedish-sounding gibberish]  How about a film on the existential conundrum of religious faith?

  Kermit : I don't think Americans watch subtitled films.

  Dominic Badguy : [Ricky Gervais appearing as himself]  Kermit, how about the Muppets go on a world tour?

  Kermit : [Kermit gasps in surprise]  That's perfect!

• Dominic Badguy : Have you studied your Kermit tapes yet?

  Constantine : Of course not. This is child's play for frog of my talent.

• Constantine : [singing]  I'm number one/You're number two/We're criminals at large/But I'm at larger than you/I'm number one/You're number two/I believe in equality/As long as you get less than me/I'm one.

  Dominic Badguy : You're one.

  Constantine : You're number two.

  Dominic Badguy : I'm number two.

  Constantine : You may think that you're smarter/But I'm smarter than you/I'm number one/You're number two/You're lucky to be number two/Not number three/I can see by the look in your eye/You want to get a bigger piece of the pie/One day, you'll get your chance/But in the meantime, you've got to dance, monkey, dance!

  Dominic Badguy : Really? I hate dancing.

• Dominic Badguy : Hi, guys. Look, it's Kermit, just back from his afternoon stroll.

  Constantine : Hi-lo! I am Kermit.

  Dominic Badguy : He's got a cold. That's why his voice sounds a little bit different at the moment.

  [the other Muppets all mutter in agreement, and Constantine fakes a hacking cough] 

  Dominic Badguy : See? Just calm down. Just relax.

  Constantine : You are right. Dominic is terrific!

  Dominic Badguy : Aw.

  Constantine : From now on, let's do whatever he says. Hmm?

  Fozzie Bear : Wow, that walk must have really helped.

• Constantine : [after passing out from stage fright]  What is happening? Why am I flying? Whoa.

  [the audience gasps as he falls out of his "O" and lands on the stage] 

  Miss Piggy : What the...?

• Nadya : We have annual lighthearted Gulag Revue coming up. It is that or they riot. I thought you might help me.

  Kermit the Frog : Uh... well, the thing is, Nadya, I'm sort of done doing that, but thanks for the offer.

  Nadya : This is not offer. This is prison. You are going to help me. Rehearsals tomorrow, 4:00 a.m. Or I put you on the Wall.

  Kermit the Frog : The Wall? W-Why would I be afraid of a wall?

  [outside in the snow, she licks his back and throws him onto a wall with other prisoners] 

  Pops : Just direct the show. You'll never escape.

  Kermit the Frog : Uh... what time did you say that rehearsal was?

  [she yanks him off] 

  Kermit the Frog : Ouch!

• Scooter : We were all wondering, what's the set list for tomorrow, chief?

  Constantine : Mm, I don't care. Do whatever you want.

  Miss Piggy : What?

  Floyd Pepper : Is he serious?

  The Great Gonzo : Um, uh, Kermit, could I do indoor running of the bulls?

  Constantine : Sure, Zongo. Who cares?

  The Great Gonzo : Wow! Thank you, Kermit!

  Miss Piggy : Kermie, if he can do his thing, why can't I sing my five songs?

  Constantine : Well... you can. Who cares?

  Scooter : We don't have time for all this stuff. We're up to, like, a three-hour show, Kermit.

  Constantine : You are forgetting one thing, small man with glasses. I can give you what you want.

• Dominic Badguy : What's wrong? You only ever knit when you're stressed.

  Constantine : The bear, the little guy, and their dog, they are onto us. They got away.

  Dominic Badguy : How are we gonna spin this?

• Scooter : We've all been thinking, and, uh... well, after you and Miss Piggy get married, what's gonna happen to the tour?

  The Great Gonzo : And to us?

  Constantine : Well, now you guys have all the freedom you want. You don't need me. I'm done with Muppets.

  [they all react in surprise] 

  Constantine : But, hey, it's been a good run, right? Hmm? Good luck.

  Floyd Pepper : [watching him leave]  Kermit!

  Rowlf the Dog : Did, uh... did he just say what I thought he said?

  Scooter : What are we gonna do without Kermit?

  Floyd Pepper : The only thing we can do. Pack up, go to the wedding, and head back home.

• [Constantine sees Dominic in an animal suit] 

  Constantine : Number Two, you look ridiculous! Why are you wearing that?

  Dominic Badguy : Because I am the Lemur, and the world's new No 1 Criminal! That's right, this is where I double-cross you!

  Constantine : First rule of double-cross: you don't announce the double-cross before you double-cross. It's not even a rule, because it's so obvious!

  [blows up Dominic] 

• Dominic Badguy : I'm number two/He's number one/I can't believe I'm working for an amphibian/I'm number two/He's number one.

  Constantine : I'm number one!

  Dominic Badguy : You know life's gone to the dogs/When your boss is a frog/I can see it's just a matter of time/Before he's gone and I'm at the front of the line/It won't be long 'til I get my chance/But in the meantime, I've got to dance, monkey, dance.

• Constantine : I'm number one.

  Dominic Badguy : He's number one.

  Constantine : You're number two.

  Dominic Badguy : I'm number two.

  Constantine : Now, that's it, kid/There you go/Now step aside/This ain't your show/I'm one.

  Dominic Badguy : [mimicking]  "I'm one."

  Constantine : I'm number one.

  Dominic Badguy : Yes, we know.

  Constantine : I'm...

  Dominic Badguy : He's...

  Dominic Badguy , Constantine : Number one!

  Constantine : [tap-dancing on Dominic's head]  That's how it's done.

• Constantine : Once you have stolen the Crown Jewels and framed the Muppets, ring the tower bell five times and we will rendezvous on the roof.

  Dominic Badguy : But what will you do when you're married? Because the pig'll know everything.

  Constantine : Once she's served her purpose, kaboom. It will be bacon for breakfast.

• Constantine : Comrades, I'm afraid I have bad news. Walter and Fonzie have quit the Muppets.

  Lew Zealand : [the group gasps]  Wait. You can quit the Muppets?

  Rowlf the Dog : Wait a second. Walter quit the Muppets? We just did a whole movie where he joined the Muppets.

  Floyd Pepper : Yeah, we sure spent a lot of time on it.

  Rizzo the Rat : Ha! I'll say. Maybe even at the expense of other long-standing, beloved Muppets. Come on, Robin.

  Robin : [following him out]  Coming.

  Constantine : Well, as the old saying goes... the show must continue, in a timely fashion.

  The Great Gonzo : Wait. Fozzie and Walter are part of our family. We can't let them go without a fight.

• Miss Piggy : Kermit... I'm in the middle of a song here!

  Constantine : Miss Piggy. I have very important question for you.

  Miss Piggy : Yeah?

  [he get down on one knee] 

  Miss Piggy : What are you doing?

• Beefeater Vicar : Do you, Kermit the Frog, take Miss Piggy to be your lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, so help you God?

  Constantine : Yes. Yes, I do.

  Beefeater Vicar : And do you, Miss Piggy...

  Miss Piggy : Hmm?

  Beefeater Vicar : ...take Kermit the Frog to be your lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, so help you God?

  Miss Piggy : I...

  [one group of attendees gasp and lean forward] 

  Miss Piggy : I...

  [the other group of attendees do the same] 

  Constantine : Just say "I do." This is what you've always wanted, right?

  Miss Piggy : I do?

  Beefeater Vicar : I'm sorry, is that a question?

  Constantine : No, it was not a question.

• Miss Piggy : Well, there's only one true way to settle this. First Kermit. Will you marry me?

  Constantine : Yes, of course, let's go! The helicopter is waiting, my love!

  Miss Piggy : And you, the other Kermit... will you marry me?

  Kermit the Frog : [stammering]  Well, I mean, I... I would. I mean, I could. It's...

  Miss Piggy : That's my Kermit!

• Constantine : [breaking into the Irish National Bank]  Do you have evidence to frame the bear?

  [Dominic holds up Fozzie's rubber chicken] 

  Constantine : Excellent.

• Sam Eagle : Congratulations, weirdos, you've saved the Crown Jewels!

  Jean Pierre Napoleon : And you've caught my nemesis, the Lemur. Look at his little costume. That's adorable!

  Dominic Badguy : I'm not adorable.

  Sam Eagle : He *is* adorable.

  Constantine : You're adorable! Did you make that kitty-cat outfit?

  Rowlf the Dog : The bad guy is Dominic Badguy!

• Dominic Badguy : [searching for Colonel Blood's key]  Where is it?

  Constantine : It's got to be here somewhere. Keep smashing, Number Two.

  Dominic Badguy : What do you think I'm doing? I'm smashing.

  Constantine : Where is that key?

  Dominic Badguy : [picking up a statue]  The last one. It better be in here.

  Constantine : He looks a little bit like you, Number Two.

  Dominic Badguy : [smashing it]  Colonel Blood's key.

  Constantine : Hmm. Nice of him to label it.

• [deleted scene] 

  Miss Piggy : This ring, it's so... so black. It's a little ominous, to tell the truth.

  Constantine : It's a very rare black diamond. That ring is priceless like you, my dear.

  Miss Piggy : Oh, Kermie, you've never said that to me be...

  [Something dawns on her] 

  Miss Piggy : ... fore?

  [Constantine shoves her to the front of the stage. She eyes him with suspicion] 

  Miss Piggy : What's gotten into you?

  Constantine : Love, my dear. Love.

  [Miss Piggy looks at Constantine with alarm before turning to face the press once more]