Muppets Most Wanted (2014)
Eric Jacobson: Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear, Sam Eagle, Animal
Photos
Quotes
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Walter : Do you guys think that Kermit's been acting a little weird lately?
Miss Piggy : That's ridiculous! He's never been so caring and devoted to me!
Rizzo : Yeah, that's what we are saying!
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Kermit : You mean all this time I've been trapped in a Russian Gulag, no one, not one single person from the Muppets, except Animal, noticed I'd been replaced by an evil criminal mastermind?
Fozzie Bear : It sounds worse than it was...
Walter : No, it's as bad as it sounds.
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[last lines]
Fozzie Bear : [after the closing credits] The movie's over, Ma. You can go home now.
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Fozzie Bear : [holds up a photo of Constantine] Check this out!
[covers the mole]
Walter : Oh, look, it's Kermit!
[Fozzie uncovers the mole]
Walter : [shrieks] What did you do with Kermit?
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Walter : There's only one guy in this world who can save us! There's only one frog who can restore order, bring justice, and set things right!
Fozzie Bear : You are talking about Kermit, right?
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Dominic Badguy : Dominic: International Tour Manager.
[presents his business card]
Fozzie Bear : "Dominic Bad Guy"?
Dominic Badguy : "Bad-gee". It's French.
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Jean Pierre Napoleon : You know, eh, I think they did it.
Sam Eagle : No, they didn't!
Jean Pierre Napoleon : Yes, they did, and we can pin it.
Sam Eagle : If they did it, how did they do it?
Jean Pierre Napoleon : If they didn't, how did they didn't?
Sam Eagle : If they didn't, then it's easy, 'cause they simply didn't do it.
Jean Pierre Napoleon : If they didn't, then I knew it! And with nothing I can prove it!... Excuse me.
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Jean Pierre Napoleon : [about to interrogate Miss Piggy] Alors, I think it's time for good cop, romantic cop!
[flips table to reveal a candlelit dinner]
Jean Pierre Napoleon : Miss Piggy, you could end up locked inside! / Now's your chance to save your hide!
Miss Piggy : Gentlemen, I did not know / it's a crime to steal the show.
Sam Eagle : Tell us how the art was taken!
Jean Pierre Napoleon : If you want to save your bacon!
Miss Piggy : I haven't seen your missing art / All I've stolen is audience's hearts.
Sam Eagle : We can give you a plea deal!
Jean Pierre Napoleon : All you have to do is squeal!
Miss Piggy : I'm not a thief, I don't know how / All I've ever taken is a bow!
Jean Pierre Napoleon : We'll catch the swine that did this job!
Miss Piggy : Give up the pig puns, creep! Go jump in a lake, that's my suggestion!
Jean Pierre Napoleon , Sam Eagle : Thank you, Piggy, no more questions!
Jean Pierre Napoleon : [to Sam] I think she likes me.
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Miss Piggy : You may be the world's most dangerous frog, but you're still a FROG!
[beats up Constantine]
Miss Piggy : [in between punches] NO - ONE - TRICKS - ME - INTO - MARRYING - THEM - AND - THEN - HURTS - MY - KERMIE!
Constantine : [dazed] What a woman...
Kermit : Yeah, MY woman! And I believe this belongs to you!
[smacks Constantine with his mole]
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Sam Eagle : [holding up a C.I.A. badge] C.I.A.
Jean Pierre Napoleon : [holding up an Interpol badge] Interpol.
Sam Eagle : This is my travel badge.
[holds up a larger C.I.A. badge]
Sam Eagle : Here's my real badge.
Jean Pierre Napoleon : You must have been looking at the wrong badge.
[opens up his coat and his shirt, revealing an enormous Interpol badge underneath; Sam then unwraps a gigantic C.I.A. badge]
Sam Eagle : You were saying?
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[Fozzie discovers that Dominic has been bribing critics to give Muppets good reviews]
Fozzie Bear : Why didn't WE think of that?... I mean, that's terrible!
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Fozzie Bear : [after they discover 'Kermit''s true identity, they scream in horror] We gotta get outta here!
Walter : Yeah!
[But as they attempt to leave, Constantine is right in front of them]
Constantine : Not so fast...
Walter : Where's Kermit?
Fozzie Bear : Wh-wh-what do you want?
Constantine : You have wocka-ed your last wocka, bear.
[He prepares to attack them karate style. But then Animal attacks Constantine from above]
Animal : Bad frog!
Fozzie Bear , Walter : Animal! Good shot!
Animal : Thank you.
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Miss Piggy : Ich bin ein berliner.
Floyd Pepper : More like "Ein frankfurter".
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[singing, after interrogating the Muppets about the robberies]
Jean Pierre Napoleon : They didn't!
Sam Eagle : No they didn't!
Jean Pierre Napoleon : There's no way they did a crime!
Sam Eagle : They couldn't, they're too stupid!
Jean Pierre Napoleon : They're not criminal masterminds!
Sam Eagle : They may not know who did it, but we know they didn't do it!
Jean Pierre Napoleon , Sam Eagle : So we know who didn't do it, we know who didn't do it!
Jean Pierre Napoleon : They're incapable of being culpable!
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Sam Eagle : Kermit, let's begin! / Describe the day you played Berlin!
Constantine : We rehearsed and then we walked about / We ate bratwurst and sauerkraut!
Jean Pierre Napoleon : That night at 10:03 / were you inside the portrait gallery?
Constantine : From 10:00 to 10:04 / was when we did the show encore!
Sam Eagle : Hmmm, frog, we've got our doubts / Can you confirm your whereabouts?
Constantine : My alibi is watertight / The audience saw me sing all night.
Jean Pierre Napoleon : Monsieur, we know you did the crime!
Constantine : I was on stage that whole time / Ask who sang "Rainbow Connection"!
Sam Eagle , Jean Pierre Napoleon : Thank you, Kermit! No more questions!
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[first lines]
First AD : And cut!
Walter : Wow, that was so amazing!
Kermit : Walter, you did a wonderful job.
Walter : Thank you, Kermit. Did we get that?
Miss Piggy : We got it.
Kermit : We got it, yup.
First AD : [speaks into bullhorn] Movie's over, people, go home. That is a wrap.
Scooter : Okay, nice work, everyone. Make sure to fill out your I-9's, and we'll see you on the next one.
Scooter : [crew leaves the set] So uh, what do we do now?
Fozzie Bear : Well, we're together again. We got the theater and all our fans are back.
Rowlf the Dog : Actually, those were extras.
Fozzie Bear : I saw a few tapping their toes.
Scooter : Yeah, those were paid dancers.
Fozzie Bear : Oh.
Miss Piggy : Or, maybe since we're all here, now could be the perfect time for you and me to tie the knot, Kermie.
Kermit : [stammering] Well... I mean, maybe I could-...
Walter : Hey, what's the camera still doing here?
Statler : Oh no, disaster! That can only mean one thing!
Waldorf : Doggone it, you're right.
Statler : Mm-hmm.
Waldorf : It looks like they've ordered a sequel.
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Kermit : Bear left!
Fozzie Bear : Right, frog!
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Fozzie Bear : I can do an Elvis impression!
Sam Eagle , Jean Pierre Napoleon : ...Thank you, Muppets! No more questions!
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Jean Pierre Napoleon : Bring in the purple guy with the schnozz!
[Gonzo enters to be interrogated]
Sam Eagle : Do you remember what you did / on the night you played Madrid?
Gonzo : I was hit by a raging bull / and rushed off stage to the hospital!
Jean Pierre Napoleon : Gonzo, what do you know / about the sculpture thefts at Madrid's Prado?
Gonzo : I never saw the stolen busts / I spent the night in bed concussed.
Sam Eagle : The truth is, Gonzo, the clock is ticking.
Gonzo : If you don't believe me, ask the chicken! Camilla was there, she'll cooperate!
Jean Pierre Napoleon : Madame, are you willing to corroborate?
Camilla : Bawk bawk begawk, begawk gawk gawk!
Sam Eagle : Will someone get this chicken out of here?
Gonzo : Calm down, Camilla, it's a routine inspection!
Jean Pierre Napoleon , Sam Eagle : Thank you, Gonzo! No more questions!
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Kermit : Piggy, I'm sorry I ruined your wedding...
Miss Piggy : Oh, Kermie... I'm so glad you did.
[they kiss]
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Kermit , Fozzie Bear , Miss Piggy , Gonzo , Rowlf the Dog , Scooter : [singing 'We're Doing A Sequel'] We're doing a sequel...
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew : I don't mean to be a stickler, But this is the seventh sequel to our original motion picture
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Miss Piggy : Is this a good time to discuss our upcoming European wedding?
Kermit the Frog : No, actually, I'm kind of busy right now.
Miss Piggy : Perfect! I have 23 swatches for the seat covers for the reception, eight font choices for the menu, which, by the way, we are not serving flies.
Kermit the Frog : Piggy, what are you talking about?
Miss Piggy : I'm just trying to involve you in some of the decision-making, dear.
Kermit the Frog : What about being involved in the decision to get married in the first place, huh?
Miss Piggy : Oh, Kermit, you never let me do what I want!
Kermit the Frog : Oh, yeah? Well, what about what I want, huh? What about that? I-I haven't even proposed yet.
Miss Piggy : You can do that on our honeymoon.
Kermit the Frog : What? That-that's insane! Do you hear what you're saying?
Miss Piggy : Insane? How dare you call your fiancee insane?
Kermit the Frog : You are not my fiancee! We are not engaged! A-And as a matter of fact, the way this particular conversation is going right now... well... I'm fine with that!
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Sam Eagle : I have never been to a more ridiculous crime scene.
Jean Pierre Napoleon : [with a gasp, he finds Fozzie's rubber chicken] The comedian bear, he was here.
Sam Eagle : [finding the Lemur's coin] The Lemur. He, too, was here. Could the comedian bear and the Lemur be one and the same?
Jean Pierre Napoleon : The comedian bear is the Lemur. That is brilliant.
Sam Eagle : But why would he steal a bunch of old bones?
Jean Pierre Napoleon : The bones apparently belonged to one Colonel Thomas Blood. He was the only man to ever nearly steal the Crown Jewels of England.
Sam Eagle : Wait! Where did the frog say he was getting married?
Jean Pierre Napoleon : The Tower of London.
Jean Pierre Napoleon , Sam Eagle : The comedian bear is planning on stealing...
Sam Eagle : ...the Crown Jewels!
Jean Pierre Napoleon : ...the Tower of London! The Crown Jewels.
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Kermit , Gonzo , Fozzie Bear , Miss Piggy , Rowlf the Dog , Scooter : [singing 'We're Doing A Sequel'] We're doing a sequel
Beaker : [Beaker is teleported into a monitor with a test pattern screen, running frantically] Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
Kermit , Gonzo , Fozzie Bear , Miss Piggy , Rowlf the Dog , Scooter : Let's give it a shot,
Kermit : All we need now is a half-decent plot...
Gonzo : Got it: an epic love story between a very handsome, long-nosed, purple thing and a beautiful chicken.
Gonzo : [the scenery falls over] I call it: "Gonzo With the Wind".
Camilla : [Camilla clucks]
Kermit : Does anybody have any other ideas?
Fozzie Bear : Oh, oh! It's about getting the Muppets back together again to stop an evil oil baron from demolishing the old studio!
Kermit : Fozzie, did you even watch our last film?
Miss Piggy : It's about a frog who marries a beautiful, perfect pig, and they have to kiss each other a lot!
Kermit : Uh...
Swedish Chef : [subtitled Swedish-sounding gibberish] How about a film on the existential conundrum of religious faith?
Kermit : I don't think Americans watch subtitled films.
Dominic Badguy : [Ricky Gervais appearing as himself] Kermit, how about the Muppets go on a world tour?
Kermit : [Kermit gasps in surprise] That's perfect!
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Kermit the Frog : I've booked us into cabaret bars and coffee houses all across the industrial cities of Northern Germany. Dusseldorf, Hamburg, Mudburg, Vomitdorf.
Fozzie Bear : Poopenburgen?
Kermit the Frog : Fozzie, have a solid week booked in Poopenburgen.
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Dominic Badguy : Hi, guys. Look, it's Kermit, just back from his afternoon stroll.
Constantine : Hi-lo! I am Kermit.
Dominic Badguy : He's got a cold. That's why his voice sounds a little bit different at the moment.
[the other Muppets all mutter in agreement, and Constantine fakes a hacking cough]
Dominic Badguy : See? Just calm down. Just relax.
Constantine : You are right. Dominic is terrific!
Dominic Badguy : Aw.
Constantine : From now on, let's do whatever he says. Hmm?
Fozzie Bear : Wow, that walk must have really helped.
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Dominic Badguy : Listen up. You're hot. You're having a moment. But what is inevitable about a moment? It ends.
Fozzie Bear : [clutching Kermit] I don't want this moment to end!
Dominic Badguy : That's why we got to get out there now and capitalize on this moment with a capital "C", yeah?
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Constantine : [after passing out from stage fright] What is happening? Why am I flying? Whoa.
[the audience gasps as he falls out of his "O" and lands on the stage]
Miss Piggy : What the...?
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Kermit the Frog : Piggy, why do you need so much luggage?
Miss Piggy : For our honeymoon, of course!
Kermit the Frog : For our what?
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Dominic Badguy : I want you to conquer the world. Do an international tour. Show a global audience what you can do.
Kermit the Frog : [over the other Muppets' excited chatter] Yeah, that sounds great, but I-I'm just not sure... wait, wait a second, guys, listen. I'd love to do that, too. But we've barely gotten back together. We don't want to mess that up.
Dominic Badguy : Okay, I am inundated with offers of management at the moment. One Direction, U2, Cirque du Soleil. Just some of the acts I can list.
Fozzie Bear : [exclaiming in awe] Wow, that's a good list!
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Sam Eagle : What is this? A toy?
Jean Pierre Napoleon : This is my car, Le Maximum. It is illegal now in most of the EU for its massive size.
[getting in, they're uncomfortably crammed together]
Jean Pierre Napoleon : It's so needlessly spacious, I feel guilty.
Sam Eagle : I hate Europe.
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Sam Eagle : This doesn't make any sense. Why break in, smash some priceless busts, and then not steal anything? There must be something bigger going on. But what?
Jean Pierre Napoleon : I've got it!
[hearing a bell toll, he checks his watch]
Jean Pierre Napoleon : Oh, sorry. 2:00 p.m. My day is over.
Sam Eagle : [spotting the Muppets' promotional poster] Wait. Those weirdos, the Muppets, were performing next to the crime scene in Berlin. And here they are, performing right next to the crime scene in Madrid! You know what that means.
Jean Pierre Napoleon : Yes, they love museums.
Sam Eagle : No! They're suspects!
Jean Pierre Napoleon : Okay. Overtime. We must find these Muppets before they flee the country. To the train station!
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Jean Pierre Napoleon : What about this comedian bear? He is too stupid to be stupid. He must be some sort of genius.
Sam Eagle : Maybe your Lemur hunch is correct.
Jean Pierre Napoleon : Except for the fact that Les Muppets play tomorrow night at the Dublin Theatre. Which just happens to be next door to the Irish National Bank! Maybe your Muppet hunch is... correct.
Sam Eagle : It's almost as if we're...
Jean Pierre Napoleon , Sam Eagle : Not so different... after... all.
Jean Pierre Napoleon : Come, come, mon ami! We must follow Les Muppets to Dublin!
Sam Eagle : To Dublin!
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Jean Pierre Napoleon : Are you all Les Muppets?
Fozzie Bear : Wow, those are big badges!
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Sam Eagle : What exactly are we doing today?
Jean Pierre Napoleon : [sipping from a tiny espresso cup] I am doing my job. All we need to do is look at the map with the blinky lights and wait. This is how it is done here in Europe.
Sam Eagle : In America, we use 3-D satellite LED displays. Not cardboard with Christmas lights stuck through it.
Jean Pierre Napoleon : [getting an alert] A blinky light! She is blinking! Let's go.
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Walter : Fozzie... what if Kermit has been replaced by this Constantine guy?
Fozzie Bear : [by coincidence, a lightbulb in the compartment turns on above his head] Nah, that's impossible. We'd all notice!
[the bulb goes off]
Fozzie Bear : Wouldn't we?
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Sam Eagle : So, what have we got?
Jean Pierre Napoleon : Two priceless paintings stolen and one average painting of an obscure English colonel.
Sam Eagle : Hmm.
Jean Pierre Napoleon : This has all the markings of the work of the Lemur.
Sam Eagle : What's a lemur?
Jean Pierre Napoleon : Only the second most wanted criminal in the world. And my personal nemesis. Unfortunately for me, his identity is a mystery.
Sam Eagle : No, literally, what is a lemur?
Jean Pierre Napoleon : Oh. It is also a rat-monkey from Madagascar.
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Sam Eagle : [trying to one-up each other's badge sizes] You've won this round, Pierre.
Jean Pierre Napoleon : My name is Jean.
Sam Eagle : Okay, Shawn. Looks like we're going to be working together. But that doesn't mean I have to like you.
Jean Pierre Napoleon : I didn't like you first.
Sam Eagle : I didn't like you before I met you.
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Scooter : We were all wondering, what's the set list for tomorrow, chief?
Constantine : Mm, I don't care. Do whatever you want.
Miss Piggy : What?
Floyd Pepper : Is he serious?
The Great Gonzo : Um, uh, Kermit, could I do indoor running of the bulls?
Constantine : Sure, Zongo. Who cares?
The Great Gonzo : Wow! Thank you, Kermit!
Miss Piggy : Kermie, if he can do his thing, why can't I sing my five songs?
Constantine : Well... you can. Who cares?
Scooter : We don't have time for all this stuff. We're up to, like, a three-hour show, Kermit.
Constantine : You are forgetting one thing, small man with glasses. I can give you what you want.
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Sam Eagle : [nearly catching Constantine and Domininc] Did you see anything?
Jean Pierre Napoleon : Not a thing. It is my lunch hour. It lasts six hours.
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Miss Piggy : Kermit... I'm in the middle of a song here!
Constantine : Miss Piggy. I have very important question for you.
Miss Piggy : Yeah?
[he get down on one knee]
Miss Piggy : What are you doing?
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Miss Piggy : How can there be two Kermits? Of all the ways to ruin a wedding, this has got to be the most creative.
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Kermit the Frog : The wedding, i-it's starting.
[seeing Piggy in her wedding dress]
Kermit the Frog : She looks beautiful. Fozzie, we got to do something.
Fozzie Bear : Oh, this is so frustrating!
[stomping his foot, it goes through the car's floor]
Fozzie Bear : Wow, would you look at that? Now that's a poorly-made car.
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Fozzie Bear : [escaping from Constantine] We gotta go back! Warn the others!
Walter : I tried. They didn't believe me. It's our word against his and, well, he's fooled them all.
Fozzie Bear : Should we go to the police?
Walter : We don't have any evidence!
[sighing]
Walter : I feel terrible. I'm the one who talked Kermit into doing this tour in the first place.
Fozzie Bear : Oh, I wish Kermit was here. He'd know what to do.
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Jean Pierre Napoleon : The Lemur! I have you finally!
Sam Eagle : And Constantine, the world's most dangerous frog!
Kermit the Frog : No, no, no.
Sam Eagle : As you might say, case sol-ved.
Jean Pierre Napoleon : [inexplicably, he's changed his clothes and his family has appeared] Perfect! Time for my annual eight-week paid vacation. Au revoir.
Sam Eagle : No, wait! What am I supposed to do with them until the mobile holding unit arrives?
Jean Pierre Napoleon : [leaving] On holiday!
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Kermit the Frog : I thought you guys had forgotten about me. That... that you didn't need me anymore.
Fozzie Bear : We'd never forget about you.
Walter : We need you more than ever, Kermit.
Animal : Good frog.
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Beefeater Vicar : Do you, Kermit the Frog, take Miss Piggy to be your lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, so help you God?
Constantine : Yes. Yes, I do.
Beefeater Vicar : And do you, Miss Piggy...
Miss Piggy : Hmm?
Beefeater Vicar : ...take Kermit the Frog to be your lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, so help you God?
Miss Piggy : I...
[one group of attendees gasp and lean forward]
Miss Piggy : I...
[the other group of attendees do the same]
Constantine : Just say "I do." This is what you've always wanted, right?
Miss Piggy : I do?
Beefeater Vicar : I'm sorry, is that a question?
Constantine : No, it was not a question.
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Miss Piggy : Well, there's only one true way to settle this. First Kermit. Will you marry me?
Constantine : Yes, of course, let's go! The helicopter is waiting, my love!
Miss Piggy : And you, the other Kermit... will you marry me?
Kermit the Frog : [stammering] Well, I mean, I... I would. I mean, I could. It's...
Miss Piggy : That's my Kermit!
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Kermit the Frog : Piggy's gonna marry the world's most dangerous frog tomorrow? Piggy and the gang are in danger! To London!
Walter , Fozzie Bear : No. Kermit!
Kermit the Frog : [as he hurries to the exit, gunshots keep him at bay] Oh, yeah. I forgot. I'm in a gulag. Sorry about that, Ivan!
Ivan the Guard : It's okay! No problem, Kermit. It's easy mistake.
Kermit the Frog : Right. Thanks for not shooting me!
Ivan the Guard : Sure. No prob... hey, nothing personal.
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Walter : We're sorry, Kermit. We're sorry that we didn't notice you were missing. We're sorry we didn't tell you often enough how much you mean to all of us. We're sorry we ever took you for granted. But that's never going to happen again. Because if Kermit has to go back to the Gulag...
[holding out his wrists]
Walter : ...you'll have to take me, too.
Fozzie Bear : You're my best friend, Kermit. Wherever you go, I go. You'll have to take me, too.
The Great Gonzo : And me. Kermit, we convinced ourselves that evil frog was you because he gave us what we thought we wanted.
Rowlf the Dog : When what we really wanted...
Scooter : What we really needed...
Miss Piggy : Was you, Kermit. The actual, real you.
Nadya : It would appear you were right, Kermit. I guess this is your family. And families belong together. You are free to go. Forever.
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Sam Eagle : Congratulations, weirdos, you've saved the Crown Jewels!
Jean Pierre Napoleon : And you've caught my nemesis, the Lemur. Look at his little costume. That's adorable!
Dominic Badguy : I'm not adorable.
Sam Eagle : He *is* adorable.
Constantine : You're adorable! Did you make that kitty-cat outfit?
Rowlf the Dog : The bad guy is Dominic Badguy!
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Fozzie Bear : Huh. Kermit's got a big bomb collection.
[seeing the blueprints to the Irish National Bank]
Fozzie Bear : Looks like he's planning some sort of comedy heist bit.
Walter : I hope not. Those never work.
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Kermit the Frog , Gonzo , Fozzie Bear , Miss Piggy , Rowlf the Dog , Scooter : We're doing a sequel.
Kermit the Frog : Let's give it a go.
Tony Bennett : With Hollywood stars.
Lady Gaga : And more one-liner cameos.
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[deleted scene]
Miss Piggy : This ring, it's so... so black. It's a little ominous, to tell the truth.
Constantine : It's a very rare black diamond. That ring is priceless like you, my dear.
Miss Piggy : Oh, Kermie, you've never said that to me be...
[Something dawns on her]
Miss Piggy : ... fore?
[Constantine shoves her to the front of the stage. She eyes him with suspicion]
Miss Piggy : What's gotten into you?
Constantine : Love, my dear. Love.
[Miss Piggy looks at Constantine with alarm before turning to face the press once more]
