22 Jump Street (2014)

Ice Cube: Captain Dickson

Photos 

Quotes 

• Mrs. Dickson : So, how did you and Doug meet?

  Maya : We met at a party and then he stalked me to my dorm room.

  Captain Dickson : Stalked you? And then what happened?

  Maya : Then, we hung out and watched a movie.

  Maya : [pause for a second]  Actually, we watched it a couple times.

  Captain Dickson : This is bullshit! Waiter, can a black man get some water?

  Schmidt : Someone get the fucking man some water. He's black, he's been through a lot!

• [from trailer] 

  Captain Dickson : We Jump Street, and we 'bout to jump in yo ass.

  Jenko : Mmmm-hmmm.

  Schmidt : Right in the crack.

• Captain Dickson : Fuck a 21 Jump Street & *FUCK* a Korean Jesus!

  Jenko : [pointing across the room to the statue of Jesus]  Captain, Korean Jesus is right there!

  Captain Dickson : That's Vietnamese Jesus now. See this is a Vietnamese church, you racist sacrilegious sack of shit!

  [admiring Vietnamese Jesus] 

  Captain Dickson : Yeah, Vietnamese Jesus is just drippin' swag-goo!

• Captain Dickson : Gentlemen, you're not gonna sit here

  [places pistol down on desk] 

  Captain Dickson : & pretend there's not a big-ass elephant in the room.

  Jenko : [confused]  What the fuck is going on?

  Captain Dickson : [turns picture frame on desk around, revealing a photo of Maya]  *This* is what the fuck is going on!

  Jenko : [looks at the picture confused, looks at Schmidt, then back at the picture as he realizes]  OH SHIT! Oh Shit!

  [laughs hysterically at Schmidt] 

  Jenko : Oh shit! No! That is not happening right now!

  [exits office] 

  Jenko : No!

  [to coworkers, exchanging high fives] 

  Jenko : Hey ya'll he's fucking the captain's daughter! Yo! Oh my FUCK!

  Captain Dickson : [as Jenko is laughing outside office, to Schmidt]  Every time, he says that shit? That's another foot in your ass!

  Jenko : [outside office]  Schmidt! You clearly... yo, this is the best thing ever!

  [laughing] 

  Jenko : Schmidt fucked the captain's daughter!

  [sing-song] 

  Jenko : Schmidt fucked the captain's daughter! Schmidt fucked the captain's daughter!

  Jenko : [re-enters office]  Shit! Fuck!

  [to Schmidt] 

  Jenko : You fucked Captain Dickson's daughter? Captain? What the fuck, you bragged to him to his face! To his actual face, the captain, do you understand that *this face*

  [pointing to Captain Dickson's angry face] 

  Jenko : right here! You bragged to that face!

  Jenko : [to Captain Dickson]  You actually high-fived Schmidt for fucking your daughter? Holy Shit! Oh my God, this is...

  Captain Dickson : [picks pistol up and places it back on the desk, with the barrel facing Jenko] 

  Jenko : [composing himself]  It's really not that funny.

• Captain Dickson : [see's Schmidt dating his daughter maya]  How do you know this person?

  Maya : Dad, this is Doug, he's a guy I'm dating.

  Captain Dickson : What the fuck?

• [last lines before end credits sequence] 

  Captain Dickson : Jenko, what are you doing, man?

  Jenko : Fuck you, Schmidt!

  Captain Dickson : Stop dicking around!

  Jenko : Hey, captain!

  Captain Dickson : Congratulations, you two. You managed to un-fuck a situation you originally already fucked up!

  Schmidt : Thanks!

  Captain Dickson : [talking to Schmidt]  I wish I could have you un-fuck my daughter, but I'ma let that be the past.

  Captain Dickson : [talking to Schmidt and Jenko]  Now, for your next mission, you two sons of bitches going to medical school!

  Jenko : What?

• Schmidt : I just wanna say that it was bizarre not to share the fact that your daughter went to MC State...

  Captain Dickson : I think it's bizarre that I haven't cut your motherfuckin' nuts off.

  Jenko : [to Schmidt]  What if, Captain gets to punch you in the face, one time? Really, really, REALLY hard?

  Captain Dickson : Nah, I've got something WAY better than that.

  [cut to Captain Dickson shooting a stun gun at Schmidt's testicles] 

• [during end credits sequence] 

  Jenko : I'm really really glad you're back, Schmidt.

  Schmidt : What are you talking about? What contract dispute? I have been here the whole time.

  Captain Dickson : Hey, shut the fuck up! How about a flight academy?

• [during end credits sequence] 

  Captain Dickson : This time, foreign exchange students!

  Schmidt : Awesome!

  Jenko : Yes!

  Captain Dickson : In Russia!

  Jenko : What?

• Captain Dickson : New assignment...

  Jenko : Captain, does Schmidt look any different to you?

  [the person sitting next to Jenko is Seth Rogen and not Jonah Hill] 

  Captain Dickson : No, that's Schmidt. I don't know what you are talking about. Schmidt looks exactly the same to me, man.

  Morton Schmidt : I got new glasses.

  Captain Dickson : Yeah man, he just got some new glasses, man. God Damn!

  Morton Schmidt : [whispering to Jenko]  No one is going to fucking notice.

• Captain Dickson : It's the same case: do the same thing!