22 Jump Street (2014)
Jonah Hill: Schmidt
Photos
Quotes
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Mrs. Dickson : So, how did you and Doug meet?
Maya : We met at a party and then he stalked me to my dorm room.
Captain Dickson : Stalked you? And then what happened?
Maya : Then, we hung out and watched a movie.
Maya : [pause for a second] Actually, we watched it a couple times.
Captain Dickson : This is bullshit! Waiter, can a black man get some water?
Schmidt : Someone get the fucking man some water. He's black, he's been through a lot!
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[from trailer]
Captain Dickson : We Jump Street, and we 'bout to jump in yo ass.
Jenko : Mmmm-hmmm.
Schmidt : Right in the crack.
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[last lines before end credits sequence]
Captain Dickson : Jenko, what are you doing, man?
Jenko : Fuck you, Schmidt!
Captain Dickson : Stop dicking around!
Jenko : Hey, captain!
Captain Dickson : Congratulations, you two. You managed to un-fuck a situation you originally already fucked up!
Schmidt : Thanks!
Captain Dickson : [talking to Schmidt] I wish I could have you un-fuck my daughter, but I'ma let that be the past.
Captain Dickson : [talking to Schmidt and Jenko] Now, for your next mission, you two sons of bitches going to medical school!
Jenko : What?
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Schmidt : Slam... poetry. Yelling! Angry! Waving my hands a LOT! Specific point of view on THINGS! Cynthia! Cyn-thi-a! Jesus died for our sin-thi-as! Jesus cried, runaway bride. Julia Roberts! Julia Rob... hurts! Cynthia! Ooh, Cynthia. You're dead. You are dead. Bop boop beep bop bop boop bop. You're dead. That's for Cynthia... who's dead.
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Schmidt : I just wanna say that it was bizarre not to share the fact that your daughter went to MC State...
Captain Dickson : I think it's bizarre that I haven't cut your motherfuckin' nuts off.
Jenko : [to Schmidt] What if, Captain gets to punch you in the face, one time? Really, really, REALLY hard?
Captain Dickson : Nah, I've got something WAY better than that.
[cut to Captain Dickson shooting a stun gun at Schmidt's testicles]
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Schmidt : [after Mr. Walters mimicked him mockingly] I don't sound like that.
Mr. Walters : Eric! Close your eyes and tell me who's talking!
[makes a whining baby sound]
Eric Molson : [eyes closed] Ugh, Schmidt bein' a little bitch.
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[during end credits sequence]
Jenko : I'm really really glad you're back, Schmidt.
Schmidt : What are you talking about? What contract dispute? I have been here the whole time.
Captain Dickson : Hey, shut the fuck up! How about a flight academy?
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Schmidt : [about Jenko] He has one class in Human Sexuality, and now he's Harvey Milk.
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Schmidt : [while hanging from a helicopter] There's a grenade in my shorts, can you reach it? Go in from underneath!
Jenko : Oh, shit! Is that it?
Schmidt : No, that's my dick!
Jenko : What about that?
Schmidt : That's my dick also!
Jenko : Why is it hard?
Schmidt : I'm so full of adrenalin right now!
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[during end credits sequence]
Captain Dickson : This time, foreign exchange students!
Schmidt : Awesome!
Jenko : Yes!
Captain Dickson : In Russia!
Jenko : What?
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Schmidt : Mr. Walters, I should apologize for...
Mr. Walters : ...for shooting my penis off? Don't sweat it, brother. I'm liberated. Totally. You know they gave me a vagina. It's awesome. You guys wanna see it?
Jenko , Schmidt : No, no, no, no!
Mr. Walters : Eric's seen it. Eric's been all up in that shit. Ain't that right, Eric?
Eric Molson : You guys gotta get me the fuck out of here.
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Schmidt : There's a microchip in this dough.
Culinary School Villain : Old family receipt. Lets keep it a secret.
Culinary School Villain : [Jenko throws a knife at the Culinary School Villain's chest] Oh shit!
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[repeated line]
Schmidt : I'm talking "missionary"...
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Jenko : What if we actually went into the Secret Service and like, tried to protect the White House?
Schmidt : I don't think that would work.
Deputy Chief Hardy : I am going to ask you to stop talking.
Jenko : I thought it was a pretty good idea.
Deputy Chief Hardy : Do the same thing as last time, everyone's happy.
