Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Signs (2012)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic

Quotes 

• Nostalgia Critic : Oh, my god! It's Black-Suit Spider-Man! Stop him before he does a tapdance routine!

  Joaquin Phoenix : We'll both go outside. Move around the house in opposite directions. We act crazy, insane with anger and make them crap in their pants. Force them around till we meet up on the other side.

  Mel Gibson : Explain "Act crazy."

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, I don't know, something like this.

  Mel Gibson : [phone rant accompanied by a crazy-looking bearded Mel Gibson]  YOU SHOULD JUST FUCKING SMILE AND BLOW ME!

• [in the movie, Mel Gibson and his family decide to defend their house against the aliens by boarding it up with pantry doors, which Mel claims they can't seem to get through] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [scarcely believing what he heard]  Really, Shyamalan? Did you read that line? Out loud? Did you ever read that line out loud? You couldn't have. You... You clearly couldn't have. I mean, you just stated that these technologically-advanced aliens, these creatures that we are supposed to be afraid of... cannot get through pantry doors. They can... build spacecraft that can jump MILLIONS OF MILES from across space, but...

  Mel Gibson : They seem to have trouble with pantry doors.

  Nostalgia Critic : [increasingly unhinged]  They can take these exact same spacecraft and turn them invisible so that NOBODY ELSE can find them, YEARS above our technology, but...

  Mel Gibson : They seem to have trouble with pantry doors.

  Nostalgia Critic : [really unhinged]  They're gonna take over our planet, but...

  Mel Gibson : They seem to have trouble with pantry doors.

  Nostalgia Critic : [about to lose it]  They're going to wipe out ALL OF MANKIND! BUT...

  Mel Gibson : They seem to have trouble with pantry doors.

  Nostalgia Critic : [jumping around and gnawing on his hat]  YOU CAN'T BE THIS STUPID! YOU CAN'T! I MEAN, YOU LITERALLY JUST STATED OUT LOUD WHY THIS MOVIE CAN'T WORK! I MEAN, WHAT ARE YOU, A MORON? I hate to borrow from a sub-par comedy, but... take it, "Scary Movie 3"!

  Charlie Sheen : They mastered space flight, but they can't get through a wooden door?

  Nostalgia Critic : [screaming]  YOU SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE, MOVIE? YOU SEE WHAT YOU DID? YOU JUST MADE CHARLIE SHEEN RIGHT ABOUT SOMETHING! *YOU* DID THAT, MOVIE! YOU DID IT! THAT'S HOW BAD YOU GOTTEN!

  [the Critic goes berserk] 

  Nostalgia Critic : THIS... ADVANCED TECHNOLOGICALLY HOLY SHIT FUCK RACE OF ALIENS... STOPPED, COME TO A HALT, BY A FUCKING...

  [calms down] 

  Nostalgia Critic : PAN... try...

  Nostalgia Critic : [the Critic has an epic giant smile on his face for a few seconds before roaring:]  *DOOOOOOOOOORRRR!*

  [as he roars this, various images flash behind him; then he catches his breath] 

  Nostalgia Critic : *DOOOOOOOOOORRRR!*

  [catches his breath again] 

  Nostalgia Critic : *DOOOOOOOOOORRRR!*

  [he falls over in a faint] 

• Nostalgia Critic : [imitates female cop]  Forgive me. What I'm doing is called Tarantinoing, where you talk about something that has nothing to do with the rest of the story, but is kind of funny and a little quirky. It was kind of avant-garde in its day and it used to develop some strong character traits but now it's just used as a cheap gimmick for pretentious film writers to draw a ton of attention to their writing style as opposed to serving the plot. By the way, I'm mostly pointless in this. I don't even draw my gun in this movie. Aliens attacking and I never draw my gun. That is assshit.