Modern Family (TV Series)

Bringing Up Baby (2012)

Ed O'Neill: Jay Pritchett

Photos 

Quotes 

• Phil Dunphy : We're back! Birthday boy's here.

  Manny Delgado : Hey, Jay, you're all wrinkled.

  Jay Pritchett : Yeah, yeah, I'm old. I get it.

  Manny Delgado : No, I mean your clothes.

  Jay Pritchett : Yeah, when I was your age, I was wearing animal skins. Bam! You got me.

  Manny Delgado : I think bam! You got yourself. I'm just expressing concern.

  Jay Pritchett : Let me guess - about my bone density. You know, you're a real smart-ass.

  Manny Delgado : [to himself]  At this rate, I'll be living in the basement.

• Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : It was a surprise.

  Claire Dunphy : Yeah, I'll bet. What did my dad say?

  Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : I haven't told him yet. I worry that he's going to think it's not such great news.

  Claire Dunphy : Ohh, no. Don't be silly. He's gonna be thrilled.

  [In interview] 

  Claire Dunphy : I knew he wasn't gonna be thrilled. and if history was any indication, he wasn't gonna be able to hide it.

  Cameron Tucker : [Flashback to dinner with Mitch and Cam]  It's a French Canadian delicacy called poutine.

  Jay Pritchett : Well, it looks like vomit, so I'm not 'pou-ting' it in my mouth.

  [flashback to her and Jay having dinner with Cameron and Mitchell] 

  Cameron Tucker : It's a French Canadian delicacy called poutine.

  Jay Pritchett : Well, it looks like vomit, so I'm not pou-ting it in my mouth.

  [Cut to another flashback at the Dunphy house] 

  Jay Pritchett : We're here!

  Claire Dunphy : [Comes out with brunette hair, singsongy]  Hi!

  Jay Pritchett : What'd you do to your hair?

  Claire Dunphy : I thought I'd try something different.

  Jay Pritchett : What, looking old?

  Claire Dunphy : I thought I'd try something different.

  Claire Dunphy : [Back to current interview]  I had to get to Dad before he said something insensitive to Gloria. But she is gonna get really fat, though.

• Phil Dunphy : Once again, I'd like to apologize for punching you in the head. It really was the only way to save you since you were bound and... hooded. Which leads me to my second apology.

  Shorty : Gentlemen, come on. As my uncle used to say, let's not let a botched kidnapping ruin our whole afternoon.

  Miles : He's right. The whole point of this is for you to enjoy the lake with your three best friends.

  Jay Pritchett : Stan coming?

• Manny Delgado : [Jay asks for a quiet, surprise-free birthday]  I don't blame you, Jay. You've had enough excitement in one lifetime; the dawn of flight, printed books, agriculture.

  Jay Pritchett : All right, what's with all the jokes?

  Manny Delgado : It's insult comedy. I've been watching old Dean Martin roasts online.

  [to Gloria] 

  Manny Delgado : Like this guy knows from the Internet. The other morning, I saw him looking for the crank on the front of his car!

  Jay Pritchett : Okay, you're done.

  Manny Delgado : I make fun, and we laugh. But in all seriousness, if you see a light today, don't walk towards it!

• Jay Pritchett : I'm sorry I was asleep when you got home. Cam and Mitch must be disappointed. They were really geared up to get that kid.

  Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : [sing-songy]  But there's a silver lining.

  Jay Pritchett : You might be right. Babies are a lot of work.

  Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : No, that's not what I mean. I'm...

  Jay Pritchett : Ah, you know, and these two aren't getting any younger. The last thing they need is to start over.

  Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Would that be so bad?

• Jay Pritchett : [after falling into a lake off a pier]  Son of a bitch! Somebody help me!

  Shorty : I would, but-but these pants are cashmere!

• Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Happy birthday to you.

  Jay Pritchett : Thank you. And just so everyone knows, I want a quiet day. No surprises.

  Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : No surprises.

  [In interview] 

  Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Last night, I found out that I am pregnant, so Jay's gonna get one big surprise. Okay, two, if you count the barbecue apron with the bikini body on it.

• Phil Dunphy : Jay has been very explicit about what he wants to do for his 65th birthday, but Phil Dunphy reads between the lines.

  Jay Pritchett : [Being kidnapped]  What the hell is going on? What are you doing?

  Phil Dunphy : Making your birthday dreams come true.

  Shorty : [Zip-tying his wrists]  It's your special day, buddy. Should we put him in the trunk?

  Phil Dunphy : Why would we put him in the trunk?

  Shorty : You said there were no bad ideas.

  Jay Pritchett : Get this stupid thing off me!

  Phil Dunphy : I thought you said the hood would calm him down.

  Miles : It works with my falcon.

  Shorty : Don't worry, Gloria. We'll have him back in time for dinner.

  Manny Delgado : Which for him is at 4:00 in the afternoon.

  Phil Dunphy : [laughing]  'Cause he's old! I love it!

• Shorty : Hey, Phil, you ever think about growing a beard? I mean, you got the face for it.

  Phil Dunphy : You think?

  Shorty : Yeah.

  Phil Dunphy : That's funny. I always thought so, but my wife doesn't.

  Shorty : Oh, what does she know? Come on, you got a great nose, those deep-set eyes. I mean, you would look good.

  Phil Dunphy : Thanks, Shorty.

  Shorty : It's, uh, sort of a Jon Hamm in between projects.

  Jay Pritchett : Okay, put me back in the trunk.

• Jay Pritchett : Good morning!

  Manny Delgado : There's the birthday boy! 65 candles on one cake. This is a big day for you... and for the astronauts who can see it from space.

• Jay Pritchett : [Gloria has finally told him she's pregnant]  You gotta be kidding me!

  Luke Dunphy : Oh, gross. I didn't know Grandpa could still do it.

  Phil Dunphy : Don't be disrespectful, Luke. Anyone could do it with Gloria.

  Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : And if you're too set on your old ways to be happy about it, I can raise it on my own! I have done it before, and I can do it now! I come from a very long line of strong Latin woman whose husbands are nowhere to be found!

  Jay Pritchett : Are you done?

  Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Yes!

  Jay Pritchett : Can I say something?

  Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Go on!

  Jay Pritchett : That's the greatest news I've ever heard.

  Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : It is?

  Jay Pritchett : I spent the day hearing what my future had in store for me, and I didn't like one bit of it. It felt like my life was ending. And now you're telling me that I get to have a new start... with the woman of my dreams. I think I'm gonna cry.

  Luke Dunphy : [Teary-eyed]  I'm way ahead of you.

  Cameron Tucker : [!uietly to Mitchell]  Can you believe this?

  Mitchell Pritchett : I know. They wouldn't even let us get a cat.

• Jay Pritchett : You know what? It is kinda nice being out here with all of ya. Hey, let's do some fishing. I'm starting to feel better now that I'm finally getting dry.

  Phil Dunphy : [starting the boat engine]  Let's do this!

  Shorty : Let's go!

  [as Phil drives away, Jay falls off the back of the boat] 

• Claire Dunphy : Dad? Dad, okay, quick. Just come here one second. I gotta tell you something. Somebody is about to tell you some very important news. And for the first time in your life, I need you to react nicely.

  Jay Pritchett : [In a low voice]  I always react nicely.

  Claire Dunphy : [In a low voice]  You never do. And this person in question is very vulnerable right now, so could you please just be loving and supportive?

  Mitchell Pritchett : [Comes in with Cam and Lily]  Happy birthday, Dad!

  Jay Pritchett : Oh, thank you. Hey. That's my boy. Hi. Mwah.

  Cameron Tucker : Sorry we're late, but it's for a good reason - we're thinking about getting a cat.

  Claire Dunphy : Oh.

  Jay Pritchett : Well, isn't that wonderful? I'm thrilled for you both. This is a heck of a decision. You have my full support.

  [Glances at Claire, who tries to indicate it's the wrong news] 

  Mitchell Pritchett : [Unsure how to react]  Okay?

  Jay Pritchett : I think it'll be a perfect addition to the family. I know I'll love the heck out of the little bugger.

  [Points at Stella on the stairs] 

  Jay Pritchett : I'm just hoping that little one over there doesn't get jealous.

  Manny Delgado : [Standing next to Stella]  Oh, this little one will be just fine now that he knows where he stands - in the shadow of your new baby!

  Jay Pritchett : What's he talking about?

  Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : He's talking about I am pregnant.

  Mitchell Pritchett : Oh, come on!

  Cameron Tucker : Pregnant?

• Miles : So... 65, huh? You're heading into the best years of your life.

  Shorty : That's right. You put in the work. You climbed the mountain. Now it's time to reap the rewards.

  Jay Pritchett : I guess you're right.

  Phil Dunphy : Sounds pretty good to me.

  Shorty : You know, the more I look at you, the angrier I get that you don't got a beard.

  Phil Dunphy : I had a soul patch once.

  Shorty : A soul patch? That's like a beard's crap.

  Miles : I golfed six times last week. Found 42 balls; a new record. I don't think my falcon could have found that many, and he can spot a mouse at 600 yards.

  Shorty : What does that have to do with beards?

  Miles : I thought we were talking about Jay turning 65 and how good that's gonna be.

  Shorty : That's right. It's gonna be great, Jay. I'm tellin' ya. I got a vegetable garden. Two years ago, it was a patch of dirt in my backyard. Now I got tomatoes, I got five kinds of beans, I got squash. And between you and me, I'm even thinking about pickling my own cucumbers.

  Jay Pritchett : Why would that be between you and me?

  Shorty : Because there's a finite number of pickles. But don't worry. All you guys are on the list.

• Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Okay, everybody, let's gather together. Manny's gonna read us a little something that he prepare in his poetry camp.

  Manny Delgado : Thank you, Mom. This is for my new baby brother or sister.

  [Opens his notebook] 

  Manny Delgado : 'Welcome, little one. Open your eyes and take your place. This is where you're meant to be, nestled in the bosom of your mother.'

  Phil Dunphy : Lucky baby.

  Claire Dunphy : What?

  Phil Dunphy : Love you, baby.

  Manny Delgado : 'This is where you're meant to be, in the arms of your father. His long, long journey has readied him for this day, though his skin my be loose, his hair but a wisp, and his eyes milky with age, you' ...

  Jay Pritchett : All right, we're done here.