- Claire Dunphy: Were you drinking?
- Haley Dunphy: Mom, do we really have to do this? You ask if I was drinking, I say 'no', and we both know that that's not true. I mean, aren't we past this point in our relationship?
- Claire Dunphy: No, young lady, we are not!
- Haley Dunphy: Then I wasn't drinking.
- Dylan Marshall: [On the couch] Me neither, Mrs. D.
- Claire Dunphy: Dear God. Tell me he did not spend the night here.
- Haley Dunphy: Mom, do we really have to do this?
- Claire Dunphy: Here. Drink this. It's for your hangover.
- Haley Dunphy: Ugh. It smells gross.
- Claire Dunphy: Well, then you better drink it fast.
- Haley Dunphy: [Drinking it and running out, gagging] Ew! I'm gonna throw up! Ugh! Ugh!
- Alex Dunphy: [Sniffing the contents] Ugh! That's a hangover cure?
- Claire Dunphy: No.
- Phil Dunphy: We're back! Birthday boy's here.
- Manny Delgado: Hey, Jay, you're all wrinkled.
- Jay Pritchett: Yeah, yeah, I'm old. I get it.
- Manny Delgado: No, I mean your clothes.
- Jay Pritchett: Yeah, when I was your age, I was wearing animal skins. Bam! You got me.
- Manny Delgado: I think bam! You got yourself. I'm just expressing concern.
- Jay Pritchett: Let me guess - about my bone density. You know, you're a real smart-ass.
- Manny Delgado: [to himself] At this rate, I'll be living in the basement.
- Claire Dunphy: [Leaving Jay a voicemail] Dad, call me back. I have something very important to tell you so when you get home, you don't say something stupid like you usually do. Oh, happy birthday.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: It was a surprise.
- Claire Dunphy: Yeah, I'll bet. What did my dad say?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I haven't told him yet. I worry that he's going to think it's not such great news.
- Claire Dunphy: Ohh, no. Don't be silly. He's gonna be thrilled.
- [In interview]
- Claire Dunphy: I knew he wasn't gonna be thrilled. and if history was any indication, he wasn't gonna be able to hide it.
- Cameron Tucker: [Flashback to dinner with Mitch and Cam] It's a French Canadian delicacy called poutine.
- Jay Pritchett: Well, it looks like vomit, so I'm not 'pou-ting' it in my mouth.
- [flashback to her and Jay having dinner with Cameron and Mitchell]
- Cameron Tucker: It's a French Canadian delicacy called poutine.
- Jay Pritchett: Well, it looks like vomit, so I'm not pou-ting it in my mouth.
- [Cut to another flashback at the Dunphy house]
- Jay Pritchett: We're here!
- Claire Dunphy: [Comes out with brunette hair, singsongy] Hi!
- Jay Pritchett: What'd you do to your hair?
- Claire Dunphy: I thought I'd try something different.
- Jay Pritchett: What, looking old?
- Claire Dunphy: I thought I'd try something different.
- Claire Dunphy: [Back to current interview] I had to get to Dad before he said something insensitive to Gloria. But she is gonna get really fat, though.
- Haley Dunphy: For whatever it's worth, Dylan was very responsible last night. He's a good guy to have around the house.
- Claire Dunphy: Mm. Where are we going with this?
- Haley Dunphy: Well, since I can't move in with him anymore, he can't afford his apartment. So I was wondering if it would be okay if he could stay with us for a couple weeks?
- Claire Dunphy: Sure. Oh, you know what? Why don't you guys take our room?
- Haley Dunphy: Aw!
- Alex Dunphy: She's being facetious.
- [Haley gives her a blank stare]
- Alex Dunphy: Sarcastic.
- [Haley still looks confused]
- Alex Dunphy: Dylan no stay.
- Haley Dunphy: What? Oh, come on! He'd help out a lot. He's very handy.
- Alex Dunphy: Really? The guy who locked himself *in* his car?
- Claire Dunphy: You are in no position to be asking for favors, young lady.
- Claire Dunphy: Ooh! How was prom?
- Alex Dunphy: So fun. Michael and I danced all night...
- Claire Dunphy: Uh-huh.
- Alex Dunphy: And then we stayed after and helped clean up, which was awesome because I got to meet next year's trig teacher.
- Claire Dunphy: That is not the prom I remember.
- Haley Dunphy: [Hung over] I have such a bad headache.
- Claire Dunphy: That's the prom I remember.
- Phil Dunphy: Once again, I'd like to apologize for punching you in the head. It really was the only way to save you since you were bound and... hooded. Which leads me to my second apology.
- Shorty: Gentlemen, come on. As my uncle used to say, let's not let a botched kidnapping ruin our whole afternoon.
- Miles: He's right. The whole point of this is for you to enjoy the lake with your three best friends.
- Jay Pritchett: Stan coming?
- Manny Delgado: [Jay asks for a quiet, surprise-free birthday] I don't blame you, Jay. You've had enough excitement in one lifetime; the dawn of flight, printed books, agriculture.
- Jay Pritchett: All right, what's with all the jokes?
- Manny Delgado: It's insult comedy. I've been watching old Dean Martin roasts online.
- [to Gloria]
- Manny Delgado: Like this guy knows from the Internet. The other morning, I saw him looking for the crank on the front of his car!
- Jay Pritchett: Okay, you're done.
- Manny Delgado: I make fun, and we laugh. But in all seriousness, if you see a light today, don't walk towards it!
- Jay Pritchett: I'm sorry I was asleep when you got home. Cam and Mitch must be disappointed. They were really geared up to get that kid.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: [sing-songy] But there's a silver lining.
- Jay Pritchett: You might be right. Babies are a lot of work.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: No, that's not what I mean. I'm...
- Jay Pritchett: Ah, you know, and these two aren't getting any younger. The last thing they need is to start over.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Would that be so bad?
- Cameron Tucker: The giant stuffed elephant was a gift from our good friend Pepper.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Gay guys having kids is... it's relatively new, so our community has not yet learned how to modulate baby gifts.
- Cameron Tucker: When Steven and Stefan had little Rocco, our friend Longinus sent over the whole cast of "Yo Gabba Gabba."
- Mitchell Pritchett: Now Rocco cries whenever he sees bright colors.
- Cameron Tucker: I'm not allowed over there.
- Cameron Tucker: [Leaving the Salvation Army] They wouldn't take 'em. They were afraid they might have bedbugs.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Are you serious? They rejected our donation?
- Cameron Tucker: I was so offended, I almost didn't buy this Fiestaware creamer. Two bucks. Didn't know what they had.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Ah! Score.
- Jay Pritchett: [after falling into a lake off a pier] Son of a bitch! Somebody help me!
- Shorty: I would, but-but these pants are cashmere!
- Manny Delgado: Mom, I have a big decision to make about poetry camp this summer.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Is this about the walking sticks again? Pack them all and decide when you're there.
- Manny Delgado: I can either focus on sonnets or free verse. I've always fancied myself a sonneteer, but I'm thinking the free verse girls will be freer with everything, if you catch my meaning.
- Manny Delgado: How did Jay take it?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I haven't been able to tell him yet.
- Manny Delgado: He might not be too thrilled.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Do you think? I was starting to wonder the same thing.
- Manny Delgado: He doesn't deal well with change.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I know. He still checks the front step for the evening paper.
- Manny Delgado: Don't worry, mom. I'm sure he'll adapt. Although, he still does call the remote the 'clicker'.
- Cameron Tucker: Okay, sweetie. Here, have a seat with us. Um, listen. There's something we need to tell you.
- Lily Tucker-Pritchett: Is it about Larry?
- Mitchell Pritchett: Well, uh, yes. Uh, sort of. Um, it... it turns out that... we're not getting a baby.
- Cameron Tucker: Yeah, and I know this... this makes you very sad, but I promise you we're still a family ...
- Lily Tucker-Pritchett: Can I have a kitten?
- Cameron Tucker: A kitten?
- Lily Tucker-Pritchett: If I can't have a brother, then I want a kitten named Larry.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Okay, w-what's this about? Is Larry on a show?
- Cameron Tucker: He's not, which is what's weird.
- Mitchell Pritchett: So what are we gonna do now?
- Lily Tucker-Pritchett: Get a kitten and then name it Larry.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Lily, honey, this is hardly the day to get a kitten, okay? Would you just tell her?
- Cameron Tucker: I don't know. I kinda want one now. You know, we have been through a lot, and maybe the presence of a cuddly little friend will help us ease the pain.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Okay, so what you're saying is you have a child-shaped hole in your heart, and your plan is to cram a cat into there?
- Cameron Tucker: He has a name.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Manny, sit down. I have to tell you something.
- Manny Delgado: What?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I am pregnant.
- Manny Delgado: You're what?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I'm going to have a baby.
- Manny Delgado: Wow.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: What? You're not happy?
- Manny Delgado: Yeah, sure. It's just a lot to take in. And I'll be honest, this isn't coming at a great time for me, with everything I've got going on.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: This is not your responsibility.
- Manny Delgado: Neither is our wooden salad bowl, but I'm the only one who oils it. Without me, that thing would soak up dressing like a sponge.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Manny, I can take care of a baby. I took care of you.
- Manny Delgado: Please. I was an anomaly. I self-potty trained.
- [In interview]
- Manny Delgado: I just did not get the appeal of intentionally soiling one's pants. That said, I will admit to missing the kisses on my tummy.
- Mitchell Pritchett: [about the giant stuffed elephant] I guess we should donate it somewhere, along with the 800-pound gorilla. I mean, you know, now that we're not getting a baby, it's just...
- Cameron Tucker: A decision, by the way, which seems even better in the light of day.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Mm. No, I totally agree.
- Cameron Tucker: So we're good?
- Mitchell Pritchett: No, we're great.
- Cameron Tucker: We couldn't have handled this any better.
- Mitchell Pritchett: No.
- Lily Tucker-Pritchett: [Coming in] Where's my new baby brother?
- Cameron Tucker: Okay. Uh, slight oversight.
- Lily Tucker-Pritchett: Can I see him? Can we name him Larry?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Happy birthday to you.
- Jay Pritchett: Thank you. And just so everyone knows, I want a quiet day. No surprises.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: No surprises.
- [In interview]
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Last night, I found out that I am pregnant, so Jay's gonna get one big surprise. Okay, two, if you count the barbecue apron with the bikini body on it.
- Phil Dunphy: Jay has been very explicit about what he wants to do for his 65th birthday, but Phil Dunphy reads between the lines.
- Jay Pritchett: [Being kidnapped] What the hell is going on? What are you doing?
- Phil Dunphy: Making your birthday dreams come true.
- Shorty: [Zip-tying his wrists] It's your special day, buddy. Should we put him in the trunk?
- Phil Dunphy: Why would we put him in the trunk?
- Shorty: You said there were no bad ideas.
- Jay Pritchett: Get this stupid thing off me!
- Phil Dunphy: I thought you said the hood would calm him down.
- Miles: It works with my falcon.
- Shorty: Don't worry, Gloria. We'll have him back in time for dinner.
- Manny Delgado: Which for him is at 4:00 in the afternoon.
- Phil Dunphy: [laughing] 'Cause he's old! I love it!
- Shorty: Hey, Phil, you ever think about growing a beard? I mean, you got the face for it.
- Phil Dunphy: You think?
- Shorty: Yeah.
- Phil Dunphy: That's funny. I always thought so, but my wife doesn't.
- Shorty: Oh, what does she know? Come on, you got a great nose, those deep-set eyes. I mean, you would look good.
- Phil Dunphy: Thanks, Shorty.
- Shorty: It's, uh, sort of a Jon Hamm in between projects.
- Jay Pritchett: Okay, put me back in the trunk.
- Lily Tucker-Pritchett: I'm bored, Daddy. Make the car dance.
- Mitchell Pritchett: All right. But just for a second, all right?
- [shifting gears, he alternates lightly tapping the gas and brake]
- Lily Tucker-Pritchett: Yay! Yay! Do it again!
- Mitchell Pritchett: No, once was enough.
- Lily Tucker-Pritchett: If I can't have a brother, then I want the car to dance.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Wow, you are really comfortable playing that card.
- Jay Pritchett: Good morning!
- Manny Delgado: There's the birthday boy! 65 candles on one cake. This is a big day for you... and for the astronauts who can see it from space.
- Jay Pritchett: [Gloria has finally told him she's pregnant] You gotta be kidding me!
- Luke Dunphy: Oh, gross. I didn't know Grandpa could still do it.
- Phil Dunphy: Don't be disrespectful, Luke. Anyone could do it with Gloria.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: And if you're too set on your old ways to be happy about it, I can raise it on my own! I have done it before, and I can do it now! I come from a very long line of strong Latin woman whose husbands are nowhere to be found!
- Jay Pritchett: Are you done?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Yes!
- Jay Pritchett: Can I say something?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Go on!
- Jay Pritchett: That's the greatest news I've ever heard.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: It is?
- Jay Pritchett: I spent the day hearing what my future had in store for me, and I didn't like one bit of it. It felt like my life was ending. And now you're telling me that I get to have a new start... with the woman of my dreams. I think I'm gonna cry.
- Luke Dunphy: [Teary-eyed] I'm way ahead of you.
- Cameron Tucker: [!uietly to Mitchell] Can you believe this?
- Mitchell Pritchett: I know. They wouldn't even let us get a cat.
- Manny Delgado: Mom, I've decided I'm not going to poetry camp.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: What? Why not?
- Manny Delgado: 'Cause by the time I come back, Jay will have turned my room into a nursery.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: No, he won't.
- Manny Delgado: I'm not his real kid. I'll be as insignificant as a whisper in a windstorm.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Oh, listen to you. You have a gift. You have to go to the poetry camp.
- Manny Delgado: I don't think I can risk it.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Manny, please. I have too much to worry about right now. Okay?
- Manny Delgado: You? I dug a pretty big hole for myself with those insult jokes this morning. Why didn't I learn from Rickles? You gotta end with some ticker.
- Jay Pritchett: You know what? It is kinda nice being out here with all of ya. Hey, let's do some fishing. I'm starting to feel better now that I'm finally getting dry.
- Phil Dunphy: [starting the boat engine] Let's do this!
- Shorty: Let's go!
- [as Phil drives away, Jay falls off the back of the boat]
- Claire Dunphy: Dad? Dad, okay, quick. Just come here one second. I gotta tell you something. Somebody is about to tell you some very important news. And for the first time in your life, I need you to react nicely.
- Jay Pritchett: [In a low voice] I always react nicely.
- Claire Dunphy: [In a low voice] You never do. And this person in question is very vulnerable right now, so could you please just be loving and supportive?
- Mitchell Pritchett: [Comes in with Cam and Lily] Happy birthday, Dad!
- Jay Pritchett: Oh, thank you. Hey. That's my boy. Hi. Mwah.
- Cameron Tucker: Sorry we're late, but it's for a good reason - we're thinking about getting a cat.
- Claire Dunphy: Oh.
- Jay Pritchett: Well, isn't that wonderful? I'm thrilled for you both. This is a heck of a decision. You have my full support.
- [Glances at Claire, who tries to indicate it's the wrong news]
- Mitchell Pritchett: [Unsure how to react] Okay?
- Jay Pritchett: I think it'll be a perfect addition to the family. I know I'll love the heck out of the little bugger.
- [Points at Stella on the stairs]
- Jay Pritchett: I'm just hoping that little one over there doesn't get jealous.
- Manny Delgado: [Standing next to Stella] Oh, this little one will be just fine now that he knows where he stands - in the shadow of your new baby!
- Jay Pritchett: What's he talking about?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: He's talking about I am pregnant.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Oh, come on!
- Cameron Tucker: Pregnant?
- Mitchell Pritchett: Hey, Dad, Gloria, open our present.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Ooh! I hope it's something fancy.
- [Opens the bag to a onesie with a Union Jack on it]
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: It's for the baby! I love it!
- Cameron Tucker: We got it in a shop at Heathrow, duty free.
- Luke Dunphy: [laughs] Not for long. Heh.
- Cameron Tucker: [Slight English accent] Isn't it absolutely brilliant?
- Mitchell Pritchett: Okay, we were in London two weeks. Lose the accent, Madonna.
- Alex Dunphy: Why is your face all scratched up?
- Mitchell Pritchett: Stupid Larry.
- Luke Dunphy: I've gotta say, you're handling this baby thing better than I would've expected.
- Manny Delgado: What do you mean?
- Luke Dunphy: You're used to being the only kid in the house. Now there's gonna be a new kid. *Jay's* kid.
- Manny Delgado: So?
- Luke Dunphy: Well, the old Manny would've been worried that Jay would love the new kid more.
- Manny Delgado: I think you're underestimating how adorable I am.
- Luke Dunphy: You're right. You're way cuter than a baby. I'm gonna go check on dinner.
- [In interview]
- Luke Dunphy: Sometimes I just like to toss a grenade and run away.
- Mitchell Pritchett: All right, take a whiff. Make sure you like it, 'cause that's what our couch is gonna smell like.
- Cameron Tucker: Okay, hi. Yes, we're gonna take this one.
- Cat Lady: Oh, I'm gonna need you to slow down a bit. There's a process we need to go through to see if you're a suitable cat guardian.
- Cameron Tucker: Oh, really? Because I thought the process was I say 'We'll take this one', and then you say 'Thank God because we have too many cats'.
- Cat Lady: No. We need to ensure these cats are going to good homes. That's why we need you to fill out this form, and then there'll be a site visit.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Okay, um, we've just been through a very frustrating year trying to adopt a baby, so... you'll forgive us if we're not really in the mood to jump through too many hoops for a cat.
- Cat Lady: Oh. Why wouldn't they give you a baby?
- Cameron Tucker: It's complicated.
- Cat Lady: So are cats.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Are they? Because that one over there's been licking itself ever since we got here.
- Cameron Tucker: [Trying to fix the stuffed animals tied to the car roof] Okay, I give up. I can't find a position that's not sexual.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Just calm down.
- Cameron Tucker: I can't calm down. You know, maybe we're not as okay as we keep saying we are.
- Mitchell Pritchett: I know.
- Cameron Tucker: Maybe we should go away. You know, go someplace to heal.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Where?
- Cameron Tucker: Well, someplace with a vibrant theater scene.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Hmm.
- Cameron Tucker: Top-notch restaurants... the jewel of Missouri's White River.
- Mitchell Pritchett: We're not going to Branson.
- Cameron Tucker: Okay, fine. Where would you go?
- Mitchell Pritchett: I don't know. Maybe Europe? London? Just somewhere far away. I'm just sad, Cam.
- Cameron Tucker: I am, too. You know, I had our mornings all planned out. The baby and I would walk Lily to kindergarten and then cut back home through the park and feed those ducks that you're not supposed to feed but everybody does.
- Mitchell Pritchett: I bought a picture frame for my desk, and it's... it's just sitting there, waiting for his face.
- Cameron Tucker: Come here.
- Mitchell Pritchett: [Hugging] I already feel better.
- Cameron Tucker: Me, too. See what the power of a hug can do? Just saved us a long plane ride with a toddler.
- Mitchell Pritchett: And a cat that we didn't want.
- Cameron Tucker: Oh, we're still getting that.
- Phil Dunphy: [about pregnant Gloria] She looks great, doesn't she?
- Claire Dunphy: Yeah. Not really gaining weight the way I would've expected.
- Phil Dunphy: I finally understand why people say pregnant women glow.
- Claire Dunphy: Phil, I've had three children.
- Haley Dunphy: [With a fake pregnant belly] This feels so weird.
- Dylan Marshall: It suits you.
- Claire Dunphy: [Takes a soccer ball out from under her shirt] Don't even joke about it. That's it. He is moving out of the house tomorrow.
- Phil Dunphy: Really?
- Claire Dunphy: Mm-hmm. Oh, and that beard is going.
- Phil Dunphy: Fine. But it's gonna kill Shorty.
- Miles: So... 65, huh? You're heading into the best years of your life.
- Shorty: That's right. You put in the work. You climbed the mountain. Now it's time to reap the rewards.
- Jay Pritchett: I guess you're right.
- Phil Dunphy: Sounds pretty good to me.
- Shorty: You know, the more I look at you, the angrier I get that you don't got a beard.
- Phil Dunphy: I had a soul patch once.
- Shorty: A soul patch? That's like a beard's crap.
- Miles: I golfed six times last week. Found 42 balls; a new record. I don't think my falcon could have found that many, and he can spot a mouse at 600 yards.
- Shorty: What does that have to do with beards?
- Miles: I thought we were talking about Jay turning 65 and how good that's gonna be.
- Shorty: That's right. It's gonna be great, Jay. I'm tellin' ya. I got a vegetable garden. Two years ago, it was a patch of dirt in my backyard. Now I got tomatoes, I got five kinds of beans, I got squash. And between you and me, I'm even thinking about pickling my own cucumbers.
- Jay Pritchett: Why would that be between you and me?
- Shorty: Because there's a finite number of pickles. But don't worry. All you guys are on the list.
- Cameron Tucker: Mitchell stormed off, but I couldn't. I had to give her a piece of my mind.
- Mitchell Pritchett: And how'd that go?
- Cameron Tucker: I may have strayed off topic just a bit.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Yeah.
- Cameron Tucker: [In flashback] No, sir! No, she will always be Norma Jean Baker to me.
- Cat Lady: What is your point, exactly?
- Cameron Tucker: That like the thrice-married starlet, this cat is being deprived a stable home.
- Cat Lady: I'm sorry if you're upset.
- Cameron Tucker: You're the one who should be upset, ma'am. We are animal lovers.
- [Behind them, Mitchell 'dances' the car, with the stuffed animals on top looking like they're humping]
- Cameron Tucker: That cat would've been on the receiving end of affection 24 hours a day. Satisfying its every need would've been our top priority.
- [Turns and sees the car]
- Cameron Tucker: Okay, in light of that tableau, I would like to take back the phrase 'receiving end'.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Okay, everybody, let's gather together. Manny's gonna read us a little something that he prepare in his poetry camp.
- Manny Delgado: Thank you, Mom. This is for my new baby brother or sister.
- [Opens his notebook]
- Manny Delgado: 'Welcome, little one. Open your eyes and take your place. This is where you're meant to be, nestled in the bosom of your mother.'
- Phil Dunphy: Lucky baby.
- Claire Dunphy: What?
- Phil Dunphy: Love you, baby.
- Manny Delgado: 'This is where you're meant to be, in the arms of your father. His long, long journey has readied him for this day, though his skin my be loose, his hair but a wisp, and his eyes milky with age, you' ...
- Jay Pritchett: All right, we're done here.
- Dylan Marshall: Don't feel bad about making me move out, Mrs. D. I knew this day would come eventually, and I'm totally covered.
- Claire Dunphy: Great. So we'll see you around.
- Dylan Marshall: I got a place with an old friend of mine. Well, not so much of a place as a storage pod. And not so much of a... friend as a raccoon.
- Claire Dunphy: Good to know you'll have company.
- Dylan Marshall: I call him Bubbles because his mouth is all foamy.
- Claire Dunphy: Dylan, I am on to your little game. I know none of this is true. You're just trying to guilt me into letting you stay.
- Dylan Marshall: You're right. I'm sorry.
- Claire Dunphy: Mm-hmm.
- Dylan Marshall: I'll just live in my car. Think I can borrow a coat hanger in case I get locked in there ag -
- [Claire shuts the door in his face]