- When Jess's parents, Bob and Joan, show up at the same time for Thanksgiving dinner, Jess takes the opportunity to "parent trap" them into a reconciliation, but her ploy backfires. Meanwhile, Schmidt and his bigger ex-Marine cousin, Big Schmidt, engage in a "manliness" competition.—Anonymous
- Jess grabs Schmidt's breakfast ($18 hand-rolled granola) from him so he can save room for their two Thanksgivings, one with each of her parents. Mom is coming from 9 to 2:30 and dad from 2:30 to 7:30 p.m. Jess warns them her mom is a little bit perky. She got her dark side from her dad.
"Nick, you're going to love my dad so much, he is so unhappy," she says.
Mom (Jamie Lee Curtis) arrives. Jess calls her "Momsicle." She's dressed like an orange pilgrim and wants to do a "hug ball" with everyone. They're mid-hugball when dad (Rob Reiner) arrives early. He says he'll wait five hours and come back when Joan's shift is up.
"No, stay, what if we need something ruined?" Joan says. He stays.
Back in the loft, Cece busts Jess for cribbing her scheduling move from "Parent Trap."
Schmidt preps for his cousin's arrival by stocking the cooler with domestic beer. Schmidt's cousin, Schmidt (Rob Riggle), arrives without his wife.
"Krista and I have a new arrangement. I can sleep with whoever I want. But she does speak to me or live with me anymore," says Schmidt 2.
Inside, Jess lets slip that Bob's girlfriend Katherine cheated on him. Jane gives him a hug and Jess backs out of the room and puts on Jim Croce. She watches her parent trap unfold as they reminisce about the concert.
She corners Cece and Nick to rope them into her plan to make her mom look so hot her dad can't resist her. "A parent trap takes weeks of scheduling, I feel like you're just throwing this together," Nick complains, citing her lack of twins.
Up on the rooftop, Schmidt 2 can't believe Schmidt dated Cece. Winston sees an opportunity and suggests they should have a manliness contest to determine "the One True Schmidt." "What are you doing?" Cece whispers. "I'm bored," Winston says. "Nice." It is on.
In the living room, Bob and Nick watch football and come up with the same negative worldview about following the money, which somehow leads to corn.
In her bedroom, Jess puts make-up on her mom, who says she only wears it in Portland to keep the rain off her face.
Nick tells Bob about his zombie novel and is alarmed to learn that is very similar to "Twilight."
Joan assess herself and is impressed. "Wow, I look like a slutty Katie Couric."
Jess tries to convince Nick to go "lay some sweet game" on her mom to make her dad jealous.
Upstairs, Schmidt 2 introduces his biceps as "sister wives, Mrs. Schmidt and Mrs. Schmidt." They both have their shirts off and Winston suggests a wheelbarrow. Schmidt 2 picks Schmidt up by the ankles and shuttles him around as they both shout they could do it all day.
Nick tries to flirt with Joan as she bastes the turkey and Jess tries to get Bob to notice.
Bob busts Jess for trying the "Parent Trap" thing again.
Jess goes to call it off but finds Nick and her mom singing together to Croce. He says he's a little into her mom. Jess tries to intercede and somehow turkey juice ends up squirted all over Bob.
Joan takes him to the bathroom to clean up. He admits he was a little jealous when he got the pictures of Joan in the shower that Jess sent.
They start making out. Jess walks in and his horrified for half a second, then pleased.
Back in the kitchen, Winston recaps the Schmidt contest. "Seems to me like this whole thing is a draw. You did touch a hotter pan, but he ate a much bigger candle. You belched longer, he farted louder. You punched a tree, he head-butted a bench. You both bailed on the fifth testicle punch."
Schmidt 2 comes in and announces he has the belts rigged in the bedroom, it's time for the blackout contest.
Schmidt gives up and tells his cousin that manhood today is about exfoliation, cheese courses and cutting vegetables julienne style. Cousin easily cuts a pepper in thin strips, he was Marine cook of the year. It's time for round two.
Later, it's dark out and the two Schmidts battle to make plates in the kitchen. Cece suggests the true test of manhood is being secure enough to kiss a man. She suggests Winston. They bring the plates to the table and Schmidt slips Winston a breath mint.
Jess makes a toast, saying she's happy "Parent Trap" worked. Her parents protest, saying it was just a kiss and it meant nothing.
When Cece interjects, Joan blames her for scratching her van when she and Jess were kids. Cece says it only happened because Jess was high as a kite. Her parents start yelling about her smoking pot and ask if she's selling her body to pay and rent and other ridiculousness.
Jess shuts everybody up and says she just wants to be a family.
"Jess, you have a family. Your father and I are not getting back together," her mom says. "Ever," says her dad.
Jess makes a sad face, picks up the turkey and dumps it in the sink. The Schmidts chug their wine.
Joan visits Jess in her room. She says she and Bob are happier apart. Jess worries that because they're alone, she's going to be alone.
"You're not going to be alone. And even if you are, you can always move in with me. Get a condo in Miami, start solving crimes together. You have to lighten up, Jess. It's just life" Joan says.
"We could definitely 'Grey Gardens' the crap out of a condo in Miami. I can't wait to eat cat food with you," Jess says.
Joan assures Jess she's OK and so is her dad.
Out in the living room, Winston is just trying to enjoy his dinner when the Schmidts start circling. Schmidt bails because Winston's face "smells like a dude's face." Schmidt 2 balks but then goes for it.
He admits he miss Krista, "she had a little mustache, too." The Schmidts wish each other a happy Thanksgiving.
Joan hugs Cece good-bye. "Give my little girl drugs again and I will end you," she whispers.
Joan and Bob leave together. In the elevator, Joan tells him she won't tell if he doesn't. She jumps into his arms to smooch.
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