The Oscars (2013 TV Special)

Seth MacFarlane: Self - Host, Nominee & Performer, Ted - Presenter (voice)

Quotes 

• Seth MacFarlane : Daniel Day Lewis, not the first actor to be nominated for playing Lincoln. Raymond Massey portrayed him in 1940's Abe Lincoln in Illinois. This is true.

  [crowd applauds] 

  Seth MacFarlane : I would argue, however, that the actor who *really* got inside Lincoln's head was John Wilkes Booth.

  [crowd groans] 

  Seth MacFarlane : Really, a hundred and fifty years, and it's still too soon, huh?

  [crowd laughs] 

  Seth MacFarlane : I got some Napoleon jokes coming up, you guys are gonna be SO mad! Oh, my god!

• Ted : [Performing the voice of "Ted", who is digitally-inserted into the broadcast]  Boy, this is pretty cool, huh? You and me at the Academy Awards!

  Mark Wahlberg - Presenter: Best Sound Mixing & Best Sound Editing : This is insane, dude.

  Ted : Heh, look at all this talent. All this talent in one spot! There's, uh, there's Daniel Day-Lewis... There's Alan Arkin... There's Joaquin Phoenix. And you know what's interesting? All those actors I just named are part-Jewish.

  Mark Wahlberg - Presenter: Best Sound Mixing & Best Sound Editing : Oh, okay...

  Ted : What about you? You got a "berg" on the end of your name, are you Jewish?

  Mark Wahlberg - Presenter: Best Sound Mixing & Best Sound Editing : Am I Jewish? No, actually I'm Catholic.

  Ted : [Whispering]  Uh, wrong answer. Try again!

  Mark Wahlberg - Presenter: Best Sound Mixing & Best Sound Editing : What?

  Ted : Look, you wanna work in this town or don't ya?

  [speaking aloud to the audience] 

  Ted : Uh, that's interesting, uh, Mark, because I am Jewish.

  Mark Wahlberg - Presenter: Best Sound Mixing & Best Sound Editing : No you're not!

  Ted : I am! I am! I was born "Theodore Shapiro", and I would like to donate money to Israel and continue to work in Hollywood forever. Thank you, I am Jewish.

  Mark Wahlberg - Presenter: Best Sound Mixing & Best Sound Editing : You're an idiot.

  Ted : Oh, well, we'll see who the idiot is when they give me my private plane at the next secret synagogue meeting.

  Mark Wahlberg - Presenter: Best Sound Mixing & Best Sound Editing : Look, I'm not doing a sequel with you, okay? And the nominees for Best Sound Editing are:

  [Ted reads the nominees] 

  Mark Wahlberg - Presenter: Best Sound Mixing & Best Sound Editing : And the Oscar goes to...

  [opens envelope and looks back up at audience] 

  Mark Wahlberg - Presenter: Best Sound Mixing & Best Sound Editing : We have a tie... No BS, we have a tie.

  [announces the winners] 

• Himself - Emcee , Herself - Performer : We saw your boobs // We saw your boobs / We saw your boobs / In the movie that we saw, we saw your boobs. // Meryl Streep, we saw your boobs in "Silkwood" / Naomi Watts' in "Mulholland Drive" / Angelina Jolie, we saw your boobs in "Gia" / They made us feel excited and alive. // Anne Hathaway, we saw your boobs in "Brokeback Mountain" / Halle Berry, we saw them in "Monster's Ball" / Nicole Kidman in "Eyes Wide Shut" / Marisa Tomei in "The Wrestler," but / We haven't seen Jennifer Lawrence's boobs at all. // We saw your boobs / We saw your boobs / In the movie that we saw, we saw your boobs. // Kristen Stewart, we saw your boobs in "On the Road" / And in "Monster" we saw Charlize Theron's / Helen Hunt, we saw them in "The Sessions" / And Scarlett Johansson, we saw them on our phones. // Jessica Chastain, we saw your boobs in "Lawless" / Jodie Foster in "The Accused" / Hilary Swank in "Boys Don't Cry" / Penelope Cruz in "Vanilla Sky." // And Kate Winslet in "Heavenly Creatures" and "Jude" / And "Hamlet" and "Titanic" / And "Iris" and "Little Children" / And "The Reader / And whatever you're shooting right now. // We saw your boobs / We saw your boobs. Here's to the losers // Here's to all the losing works of art from "Lincoln" to "Amour", / To the disappointed actors wondering what they dressed up for. / Now the real performance starts with phony smiles at the ball. / Here's to the losers, God bless them all. // Here's to nominee Quvenzhané, lift up that little head. / You'll be at the future Oscars when the rest of us are dead. / You have all Tom Cruise's talent and you're equally as tall. / Here's to the losers, God bless them all. // Oh poor Bradley Cooper, get your chin off the floor. / Here's your silver lining: You'll do "Hangover 4"! // Amy Adams, Jackie Weaver, Sally Field and Helen Hunt / Have to wait to smooch their Oscar, but you think that girl's adorable. / Time to pour a glass of 92 and curl up in a ball. / Here's to the losers, God bless them all. // Hey Seth, it's OK. All that movies will still be remembered forever. - / Oh yeah? What movies lost to "Chicago"? - Oh look, it's time to sing again! // Here's to Seth MacFarlane,

  ["Lincoln"! "Lincoln"!] 

  Himself - Emcee , Herself - Performer : it's your Oscar farewell /

  [Well, we messed that up. That's why it's live. It's a live song] 

  Himself - Emcee , Herself - Performer : // Here's the last toast of the evening,

  [Thank God!] 

  Himself - Emcee , Herself - Performer : it's to those who still believe / All the losers will be winners, all the givers shall receive. / Here's to trouble-free tomorrow, may your sorrows all be small. / Here's to the losers, here's to the losers, / Here's to the losers, God bless them all.

• Seth MacFarlane : Congratulations, you five ladies no longer have to pretend to be attracted to Harvey Weinstein.